Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Child in Me

I looked back and there was nothing. Just the wind sweeping dusty ground. Dead leaves flying. Other than that, it was silent and eerie. Nothing. Dark clouds loom in the horizon, a heavy downpour is about to wash away all that remain here. What's going on? It couldn't be like this! Deprived of nourishment for years. Taken for granted that there was a precious life waiting to scream out of this place. In spite of this, faith and hope persevered and made it live.................

If I look back at my life, to the earliest memory I can recall. I can see a happy child with his grandmother and cousins. Pampered. Playful. Contented. Then I remember my parents coming to the picture and everything went blank.

I do not have any (not even one until now) good memories being with either of them when I was still a child. Especially one on one moments.

Last Sunday, I saw a boy being carried by his father. He must be around five or six years old. Sometimes his mother would fix his hair and kiss him on his cheeks and the boy would just rest his head on his father's shoulder.

What must his feeling be? What was he thinking right there and then? Does he know the significance of his parents gesture? I'm sure that he doesn't think so much about it. Though emotionally he is getting his moemnt of nourishment. I smiled knowing that this young boy will grow up to be a good person. That's what I prayed for in the moment.

Me, I have no idea. Believe me or not, the real embrace that I received when I felt whole and not awkward was when my wife gave me a brotherly embrace when were still in college. I wasn't envious of that boy. I was just forced back to my childhood years and I felt.....

Sad.

Simple as that. I had no anger towards my parents because I have forgiven them a few years ago. I wasn't asking any "Whys" anymore because I know it wouldn't change a thing. I'm just sad that I don't have any memory of them in my past except the harsh words I got from them especially from my mom. The feeling of being unwanted. Hearing unconstructive criticism that I refused to accept. I said that to myself when I was in highschool. My peers respected me and I hear good compliments from these people. So again, I refused to believe what my mom has said of who she think I was. This started my rebellious years which lasted for more than a decade.

I didn't believe them and the more I got hurt the more I didn't accept their words. I did my best to protect myself from harm. I wasn't that successful of course since my hatred lasted so many years and it really separated me from my family.

One day (through my wife) God instructed me to go back to my family. What?? Prior to that I prayed for their conversion, and this was how God answered me? It was so hard to swallow my pride. Why me? I followed and really I thank God for His grace that made me followed Him.

Anyway, I was still feeling sad because I can no longer go back and create new memories of my past so I was stuck with "nothing" and painful memories which I have surrendered already.

Imagine, I felt like that and it was an opportunity for God to tell me how much He loves me. It was during the prayer meeting when He assured me of His love. The message for me was " So whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come" 2 Corinthians 5:17.

The prayer even prayed for God to heal our painful past and that all these things be replaced by His image. Whoa!!!. Remember what I said in my previous about Jesus being my light in a dark cave? That I remember Jesus in my past. I may not have memories of my parents in my past but I do have so many memories of Jesus in my past. When I first attended a school wide day of prayer when I elementary, when my grandmother taught us how to recite a rosary, when I was assigned to lead the rosary (Highschool) and my classmates laughed because I didn't know how but my teacher intervened and was proud of me for being brave.

Jesus was with me when I felt really hurt that I could not even understand why so I left the house one afternoon when I had no one to talk to and felt so lonely. I got my bike and went to a secluded place where it was just me and the trees and clouds surrounded me. Jesus was there alright, comforting me.

When I went to a hill all by myself. Didn't bring any friends or anyone. The hill was all mine. I remember being happy. I wasn't exactly alone. Jesus was there.

All through out my college days. I struggled in schools because of my whirlwind emotion. Looking for something to make it calm. Jesus calmed me. I was really about to lose myself because of all the forces in all direction that seemed to be against me. God protected me.

Until now, I see Jesus working in me. He isn't finished yet. I am amazed on how faithful He is to me. He is the most faithful I have encountered in my life given that He doesn't back out even if I become stray away. He wants to do something and He will do it. He is my Father who takes care of me.

Right now, He has promised me something. It's a surprise so I am not sure what it is but He says that it will be revealed by July or August. Very soon. God really is cool. :)

Once I receive this special gift, I will share it hear.

God bless to us all!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Jesus,my light

Last summer, we were in Palawan and had an awesome experience when we went to St Paul Mountain. Here lies the longest underground river of 'tem ol! At first, it meant nothing to me because I don't like to be inside a cave. I felt trapped and helpless and then my mind started creating its own worst scenarios. Presence of crocodiles, snakes, our little boat might sink and the current will pull us beneath the river (around 70meters deep), or an earthquake and we would be buried..aaaargh..

Well, I just found myself wearing a helmet and a lifevest. There were about 8 of us in a small boat.I hid my fears with my jokes which also made the others comfortable as we entered the cave. The opening of a cave is nothing to marvel at nor the stalactites/stalagmites that greeted. I've been to a cave before. But as we grow deeper my impression of this great cave changed. I was covered with awe. Look at this place! Bigger and wider that the Manila Cathedral. We've been sailing for almost an hour and yet we can't see the end of this river. Then we had to turn back. We were not allowed anymore to go beyond a certain pointunless we a have permit to do so.

Anyway, what can I say.

There was a time when we turned off the light for a while. Just to see how it was like. It was total darkness. No matter how hard my eyes tried to adjust to the darkness, I didn't see anything. It was pure black. Then the light was on again.

Hmmm... imagine, all the images I kept in me about this cave were from the light we were holding. I mean from the entrance until the end, if not for the light I would not be able to comment on anything. It would just be blank and maybe my imagination will create one for me.
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God had been my light for many years. I think I surrendered myself when I was in second year college. If I look back (even beyond this), I can now see God's hand at work. I give God all the credits that I got. I can not say now that I was able to overcome the difficult challenges I experienced so far if not for Him. I met Josephine and married her because of Jesus. My realationship with my family changed for the better because of Him, I graduated from college because Him again, I am in BLD, here in SMART because of Jesus. And so many many many more. Jesus healed my memories and He is not done yet.

He was and is my light until now. I am sometimes (though I find myself worrying too much already) bothered by our future. Jesus never fails to assure me. I can't see what's ahead of us. All I know is that will lead us to a the future where we ought to be. A place of love and peace. He is there, I just have to follow the light He brings to me. One day, I will be there.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Just some things

Fill in the blanks. Choose the correct letter that correspond to what you are feeling today.

1. I am _____ today. Though, the day started just fine, it has dawn on me the magnitude of what I am suppose to do. Here at work and personal matters. I look forward to overcome all obstacles whether physical, mental or spiritual in nature.


2. In a few months, time I will change the landscape. I will rock my self out of complaceny which I do not wish to blame against me or anyone in particular. It is just happening and I must do something to stir the calm water which if look closely is somewhat murky. It can not easily be seen because it is dark here and sometimes when the sun is up, the unlikely color appears. Not yet though, but it is time to flush it out. I would (a). actively pursue an international job. (b). I will suck in all I have now and find a way to be more organized. (c). Request to be unloaded. Too much thing to do is really paralazying me. (d) All of the above. I don't have the answer but God does. I'm bent with my knees and pray to God for the much needed direction.

3. In my mind, I can do it but I can't see any result. I am starting to be heavy. I will try to ________ more and more. I don't want to grow old and grow big literally. I see myself healthy as I add days and years. __________ is the number key to achieve this. I know because I usually give in whenever an __________ presented itself. I gulped an entire forest to satisfy my appetite. It has ended a month ago and I am more ______________ about it.

4. I acknowledge that where I am right now is the fruit of God's patience all throughout and right at this very moment He remains faithful to me. Making sure, that I am ok. There are times, actually many times I allow myself to drift and float aimlessly and there is Jesus. Casting a rope, where I can hold and pulling me closer to Him. How could I repay such persistence? Evedyday I spend more than 10 hours working but _______________. Go go go go!! No time to be in a _____________________ mood. Just put on your shoes and run.


5. (a) Don't I have a role model, a mentor to guide me? (b) Who is this person in my life?
Is it ____________ or _________ or __________? (c) Do I need one? Yes, I do. I long to have a mentor. While I am adult and has knowledge how to decide on life matters, I see the need for someone who can pinpoint to me what I am doing right and what I could improve on. In sear\of a mentor. Any candidates? First and foremost he should be a Man of God. Living a balanced life.

6. Financial savings, wedding photo album, loans and credit cards, financial assistance to family and friends, plans for the future, commmunity life, personal programs.....etc., arrrrrgh!!!! Given all these, I feel _____________________. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! What if God is allowing these things to happen all at the same time because He ______________? Maybe? Look at fruits at the end and then adjust accordingly. I am aware and everyday and night I see myself being cut thinly of the responsibilities controling my life right now. Ah? that's the point. Should I control or leave it alone and let it control me? The answer is pretty ____________.

Polo: Different Moods

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