cool change. No. Freezing change

Tired. Done with Christmas shopping. I was the designated shopper as Josephine would just like to take it easy. I am not sure which is easier. Driving during Christmas season or shopping!!! Both I believe have the same level of craziness. Imagine. More than an hour had passed while i was inside the chaotic world of greenhills AND I still didnt know what to buy. The longer I stayed the more stressful it was for me. Moral lesson. Let your wife shop and do not complain. She is happy doing it while you can spend time in a coffee shop waiting for her. Shopping is both an art and a science. Especially math!

My work permit is on its way. A visa then off we go. I still can't absorb what is happening. Imagine. I AM NOT WORKING IN SMART anymore. Freaking weird. Sad because I might not be able to see my friends there anymore. Though, thank God FB was created. Precisely for this purpose. I am truly grateful that I spent more than eight years there where multi tasking is practised seriously. Part of the culture. Well, to be honest I can't see myself working more than 10 years in Smart but I never thought that I will not reach ten. Thank you truly. I can say that I have given my best there. I know that I also contributed. It is just the right thing. Work, serve and be paid and received other incentives.

But for a couple of years, my attitude has changed. I felt I wasn't learning anymore. I was looking for something beyond financial satisfaction. I wanted to learn. I knew it is something personal but i felt the struggle. I wasn't getting any inputs anymore while I was still stretched. I sensed that this struggle was starting to affect my values in work. I was fighting but I remained uninspired. To work excellently but unmotivated isn't an ideal scenario. I was there for my staff. I was happy sharing whatever I know about our job but that's about. I hated the fact that we had to endure three hours of meeting every other week, we had so many thing going on and yet a big portion of our activity has no impact in our goal. We were so disorganized! Always engaged in putting out fires instead of cultivating soils for growth. We were like a ship going in circle in a storm because we can not see the lighthouse. It has been like that. I wanted to help and be part of a change. I guess somebody threw an anchor and its weight is too much to bear. (This is just how I see things and I could be wrong.)

I didn't expect to be given a chance to grow more somewhere so I thank God for this miracle. He had to pluck me out immediately because it wasn't healthy for me anymore. I really welcome and embrace this change. A breathe of fresh air. The risk of staying in Smart would be more challenging that what we could be probably encountering in a new environment. Again, I only speak for myself. I wasn't happy anymore and I wasn't growing, A change was needed and change it was. Nope. It was like I just jumped out and made a compulsive decision. We prayed and asked guidance from our love ones. We weigh everything and I guess everything is aligned to our wish as a family. It was God's gift for us that we follow and not because of my dissatisfaction. Because, if somehow we saw that it wasnt for us (through prayers and family's wisdom) then we wouldn't pursue it and we would still be in Smart.

I believe in God. He made all of this possible. So, I will learn to let go of Smart and when I look back I will see it as God's gift for us as well. He was the reason why I accepted to work in Smart after all.

Abe

The food is great. One of the best in town. The service is exceptional as well. The problem is, this place is too crowded. Obviously, they maximized every square inch. I dont like it very much. I cant enjoy the good food without noticing how full this restaurant is. So uncomfortable for a claustrophobic person like me.

Trust in the Lord forever!

This is exactly how it should be right now. I find it more challenging when you are waiting for something that is about to happen. You know, when something is so near but you don’t know when exactly it will happen. I want to see, smell and touch it. But there is this clear glass separating me from what I am waiting for. I want to do something to make it happen faster. Nope. There is really nothing to do but wait. Seated in a corner watching and waiting for things to unfold. From time to time, I do check if it is about to open. Waiting like waiting for your child to be born. It’s the 9th month and you know he is about to come any day soon. You can’t force it though. But patiently wait it to happen.

Then things just become more difficult as negative thoughts start to stir up your emotions. Emotions that will also challenge your mental toughness. You start to verbalize with so many what ifs or what will happen if. Pressure comes in and will try to pull you down but again… pressure can lift you up as well. It would depend where you want to be.

How to combat such negative thoughts? By faith and trust in the Lord and a lot of positive thoughts. This way, you will not give in to any negativity. It is a discipline. You can get such attitude overnight. It takes years to be positive and years of testing as well. BUT trusting in God can happen in an instant. By His grace, it can be done. Positive thoughts need practice and time for you to know if you have it. But to trust in God, you just need to pray and pray and pray and surrender everyday. God will shield you away from the negativity or anything that will try to put you down. Surrender to God.

I am not saying that you will not experience hardship or pains if you are with God. You will. Jesus Himself experienced it. Though, He also showed His full trust. He showed us the way. By doing so, we are saved.

Last night, I just woke up and I noticed immediately that I was having a mild panic attack. I can’t sleep. I was having trouble breathing as if the room is so cluttered. I went out of the room and tried to read a magazine. I still can not sleep so I decided to confront what it was that kept me awake. Obviously, it was my impending last day in SMART. That would December 15, 2009. Dooms day it seemed to me. You know, I will be without work and I have given up so much in terms of security. Basic salary, bonuses, incentives, car, gas allowance, free parking, medical insurance etc., Then God gently reminded me that I wasn’t giving up something for nothing. I just needed to wait for Him and allow Him to finish His plans for us. He also let me see what had transpired for the past months. It was Him who gave us direction and we decided to do things according to His instructions so why should I be worried? It was Him who showed me the different miracles and blessings that had happened while waiting like the “suspected asthma of Polo” which ended like that a suspected diagnosis but it wasn’t. That miracle happened instantly. Also the successful operation of Josephine and the biopsy was negative for any cancer cells. He was there alright.

After recalling these events, I read the reading for today and in the gospel Jesus asked the two blind men, “Do you think I can do this?” as if He was asking me directly if I can trust Him with this plan. I said, “Of course, Lord. You can do it. Nothing is impossible with You. I believe.” Praise God. After that I was able to sleep even though I was already hearing airplanes arriving which meant that it was already past 4am.

Yes, Lord. I put my full trust in You alone. Amen.