NOVEMBER 4, 2004. So many things have happened the past couple of weeks and I rarely had time to update my blog. For one, it is another four year term for Mr. Bush. Expect the war on terror campaign to nudge another level. A more aggresive campaign and I don't think the Americans will ever leave IRAQ as long as Mr. Bush is the Head of the most powerful state in the world. Especially now that he feels/thinks that he has the support of his fellowmen. Four years of war. I hope it won't escalate. Spare us Mr. Bush.

WHERE WILL I BE FOUR YEARS FROM NOW? hmmmmm... i don't want to think about it yet. I have so many concerns and pressing matters that to add another, unnecessary thought and push my brain to the limit is like suicide. I'm like a rally car right now. Going through rough terrain. Off road, muddy tracks, brakes and brakes but forging on to my goal. I hope I will reach the end still in one piece. I am sure I will.

Another busy Monday

BUSY AS EVER. It's non-stop. There are just too many thing to do this day (just like last week). I like it though. The only disturbing ingredient of this unsual activities is the fact that.......never mind. Life is really like that after all. Eversince! Aside from my work, we are also very busy with our wedding preparation as we are reaching peak of it plus I have to consider my car and where we will stay after we get married. My mind is processing so many different information all at the same time and honestly I find it better than having nothing to do.

SINGLES NIGHT. Don't get me wrong. I still want to attend the prayer meeting every Monday and maybe soon I will be able to attend the corporate worship. Two weeks ago, God gave His assurance as He affirms His blessings. Last week, it was reminding me about being faithful and living a prayerful life. What will it be tonight? Goodthing I was able to go to confession yesterday. Not my intention to do so. It was pure grace! I hope to hear God's word for me and tomorrow I will try to share it. I'm sure there is.

I woke at about six o clock am. Too lazy to stand but what a beautiful morning. Outside I see snowflakes and it is really starting to get cold. My wife as usual is still in wonderland looking for the rabit and she has no time to wake up. Let her be. Alright, Mr. Agustin it is time to stretch those muscles. Up, up up up...........what would I like to have for breakfast this fine Saturday morning? Coffee of course!! Brewed that is. I will surprise my wife with pan cakes with strawberry jam. I must eat something first before I drink my coffee and prepare the pan cakes. I will settle for these cookies we bought the other week.

Look at that. It is November and the leaves of the trees are starting to fall. Orange leaves. This is such a lovely place. Our first month in US and I am enjoying every minute of it. Last week, we went to this park and there were so many people. Smiling, laughing, whispering, reading newspaper, chattering, walking with their dogs. While we were just observing and cherishing each other presence. This is what we wanted and it feels so good that we are here. Oooops, my coffee is calling me now. For sure my beautiful wife will smell this and wake her up. She hates the smell of coffee. Where are we going today aside from the mall? I want to do a project. What will it be? I'm sure she will be excited by this. There she is now. I told you she will be complaining about this coffee. : )
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Thirteen Minutes

I need a change here in my work. However, I will wait upon the Lord to tell me what to do. I am starting to get depress day by day. What's keeping me sane is our wedding and my community life. I will not be afraid the Lord is beside me and I trust His plans for me. I know He has. He's not yet finished. Counting your blessings everyday will help fight depression. Not just the big ones but you have to see the small ones which occur everyday. Like for example, that freak accident I had. The blessing is that I have a friend doctor who gave me a free anti tetanus shot. See. I had a problem with the battery of my car. It's been like that since late last week but nothing serious happened to me, no accident or just stopping somewhere in the wee hours of the morning. Praise God. My brother is very good with cars so he took time to check my car. What else? Being able to attend the prayer meeting and seeing my friends last night. That's a blessing, isn't it? Work is just a tiny part of my life and I will not allow myself to be so affected by what is happening. God, let me see your plans for me with my work. Please. : )

I got to go.

God's voice

I stepped on a pin. A freak accident but could have been prevented. Who would use a chair as a pin cushion? Who on earth would be able to see that pin. Careless!!

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"I will bless you. The things you are asking for and for those you've hidden from me. I will bless them,Marvin"

That hit me straight in my heart. Not that I do not want God to bless me but recently I felt that I've been asking too much from Him that I always find myself asking from Him. I was shocked to hear from Him during last week single's night. But I did ask for it. I mean I wondering that night what would be God's message for me that night. I seldom have that thought so I knew He will tell me something. I was happy to hear from Him especially in moments like this. It was good to hear an affirmation from God that He will bless my plans. That our wedding plans are in good hands. What a lovely thought, isn't it? It was like a fresh air that I inhaled that night. It was like I was standing at that moment on a beach sand while the gentle morning breeze touches my face. Very peaceful. How could I explain the feeling I had when I heard God telling me that He will bless also the plans I am afraid to tell Him. That would be the condo unit Josephine and I eyed and fell in love with the first we saw it. I got sad though when I found out the owner had other potential tenants who actually inquired ahead of us. I was sad and I think the saddest part of it was not being able to share it with God because in the first place I didn't ask His guidance. Then that night changed everything, He just affirmed me that everything will turn out fine. Several days after that, my friend told me that they chose us. Blessed be God.

Got to go.

Short

IM SICK AGAIN FOR THE Nth TIME. This is a sickly year for me. It is not the wedding preparation but really the stress in going home late at night and having to wake up early the following day. Having to drive from Makati to Paranaque then to Marikina. Too tiring and stressful. Just imagine, having to sleep for just four hours a day. Crazy man. I have to go back and take my vitamins and let me see how it would help. But definitely, by December everything will change. I truly hope so. Amen!

COUNTDOWN. Less than two months to go and I will have a new life. : ). I could count in weeks and it is so near. It is very near. I can smell it. I can feel it. *sigh* Just a little more patience. I know there are still a lot of things to do. Like the invitations. We still have to produce one. The clothes, giveaways, church requirements, etc etc., all of these will eventually be finished. It will be over and a new life will spring forth.

Short

IM SICK AGAIN FOR THE Nth TIME. This is a sickly year for me. It is not the wedding preparation but really the stress in going home late at night and having to wake up early the following day. Having to drive from Makati to Paranaque then to Marikina. Too tiring and stressful. Just imagine, having to sleep for just four hours a day. Crazy man. I have to go back and take my vitamins and let me see how it would help. But definitely, by December everything will change. I truly hope so. Amen!

COUNTDOWN. Less than two months to go and I will have a new life. : ). I could count in weeks and it is so near. It is very near. I can smell it. I can feel it. *sigh* Just a little more patience. I know there are still a lot of things to do. Like the invitations. We still have to produce one. The clothes, giveaways, church requirements, etc etc., all of these will eventually be finished. It will be over and a new life will spring forth.

UAAP

DLSU IS THE 2004 UAAP CHAMPION. It was a great finish and a what a ball game to end the final. Neither team dominated the game from start to finish. Imagine at end of each quarter, the score was always even steven. FEU almost nailed it if not for the three point shot of JV Casio. As if the game was scripted and the ending was the most dramatic. That magical shot made JV a certified veteran. He will use and need it next season. FEU had the chance also to win back the lead during the dying seconds. Not once but two opportunities were given to them. Not just to any player also but to their greatest players. Mytical member D.Miranda missed an uncontested simple back the board shot. choked. Then the best rebounding, defensive player of the year, mythical member and the MVP of UAAP 2004 missed a put back shot which he always made but that moment he too succumbed to the pressure or plainly the luck wasn't on his side. The final score was made by MAC Cardona who was denied of the MVP award (though, A.Santos was really more deserving). Two free throws which he sunk cooly. Because of his resurrection in the second hlaf of the season and his consistent play in the finals , MAC was named MVP Finals. Also, F.Pumaren finally pocketed the Coach of the Year award after leading the Archers to six out of seven finals appearance and winning five championship trophies! He truly deserves to be the COY. That could be the last hurrah for F.Pumaren. Though, many in the sport's world who announced retirement would often come back fo r another shot. Franz maybe you just need a one year break then I am sure your passion for basketball will once again call you. Thank you Mr. Pumaren for showing us how to stay focused and how to win games and be crowned at the end. The feeling was great after JV made the shot. We all knew that DLSU Archers will be the 2004 UAAP Champions.

Alright. End of UAAP season 67. See you next year...
..............................NBA season is just about to start... ; )

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My Mind Speaking

I say a lot even if my lips are tightly sealed
Everything I could think of, no boundaries
Just me and my thought
Freedom

Some thoughts are useful and inspiring
While others are totally garbage
Some thoughts see the future
While others linger and cherish the past

Talk to yourself from time to time
Call it crazy
Call it weird
Call it everything
It is still needed

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I don't know where that it going. Today is the last day of the month of September. Wow. Two months to go and it will be the biggest event of my life. I am tying the know with my Fiancee. Yahooo.Yes!!! I am not nervous nor worried about leaving my bachelor life. Actually, I want to leave it and start a new life. I'm done being single. I don't find joy nor any satisfaction anymore. Time to move on and I am blessed that it is about to happen.

Life is a cycle. I've already witnessed the different stages and even eperienced the early stages of life (obviously).

FIRST STAGE : Birth. FINAL STAGE : DEATH. That's about it. It's what you did between the two stages that will define your life. (As a Catholic, I do believe in life after death and our true destiny is to be with our Creator.) If my life span is around 70 years. then I only have less than 40 years to live. hmmmmm. not bad it is far but I'm already reaching half of my life. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....
There is always a possibility that life could end abruptly. Sickness, accident or being victim of crimes. We have a short life here on earth, come to think of it. It is just right therefore to enjoy every minute you have. Because it would be a waste of time to indulge on things that wouldn't add value to your life.(my thought).

hey, i started something here that should be given proper concentration.... i don't have that now, so i will stop this. sorry.

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NEXT PLEASE. Tomorrow maybe

Not an ordinary day

The World is crying in pain and in surrender
Look around and you will see why
Wait, can you still see and feel it?

Can you see the children in the street
Begging for anything just to survive?
Sadly, it is happening everywhere

Wars, why can't they just stop
and make life more valuable than any principle or belief
Aren't we tired of fighting and for what?
Stop! even for one day

Are we afraid of peace so much that we set it aside?
Focusing more on development
But what about peace?
Why can't nation work together to attain it

I envision a day without fighting
Children smiling, playing freely
I see people holding hands
Creating bridges rather than burning one

There is hope. A better tomorrow for everyone to see
Love yourself. Love the person in side your own home.
Love your neighbor. Love the sick. Love the lonely
Love the poor and the needy.

Let's start walking hand in hand
Let's eat together as one family
Let's heal the world with this love
We all have it inside our heart

See it for yourself

Pure Joy

NO LONGER NEEDED. Two months from now, I will no longer need to sleep in my car in the morning or evening while waiting for Josephine. I mentioned this in my previous entry. I can't help it. I mean like this morning I had a two hours of sleep inside my car. It's color coding today so I had no choice but to go to the office early. Man. I went home at two in the morning. I realized that for so many years I have deprived myself of good, long quality sleep. This is about to change. Thank goodness. I will no longer need to drive since the condo is just about two blocks away from our office. No more need to experience the morning rush hour. Imagine if everyday I spend like three hours of driving which translates to twenty one hours a week or a good eighty four hours a month. Imagine that's also three and half days a month multiply by twelve that's a good forty two days of driving. Inefficient. Isn't it? You can do so much in forty two days. Wasted time. I can also give my car a deserving rest. I don't have to worry so much of driving home in the wee hours of the morning feeling so sleepy. Sometimes when I am driving the things around me aren't real. It's like I am dreaming. What else? I don't have to wait for Josephine. I can go home early and watch tv maybe. If she goes home very late then I just have to drive a very short distance. Wow! I also do not have wake up too early on weekends unless it is needed. My Josephine will be with me. so no more driving from Marikina to Paranaque which consume so much gasoline.

Nothing to say

NINE TWENTY FOUR AM. That's the exact time I arrived today. Better. Better. I left at around eight am and I already surrendered to the fact that I was going to be late again today. Miracle of miracles, I didn't. (Was I able to unplug my celfone charger? -oooohh mr. forgetful me. but i think i did.) There was really no heavy traffic except when i entered the central business district. important thing is that im on time and that's about it.

X MARKS ON MY CALENDAR. ok it wasn't my own idea. I saw my colleague doing it and it looked.....nothing. i just want to write something on my table calendar. If I didn't then it will be just thrown away at the end of the year as if it wasn't used at all. Then my calendar would have lead a boring life. A clean calendar isn't beautiful but if you put notes, signs and other codes then you've transformed it to something else. what am I discussing???? It helps to see how many days are left in a given month and how many days have passed and how many more days to go before our wedding. Only nine days left and September 2004 is over. that's what my calendar is telling me. When October comes....

BADMINTON FEVER. We did fine last night. I enjoyed the game. I don't have the slightest idea whether im stil improving or not. of course i did if i compare it on how i played last year but it seems i reached plateau. there is a change in my mental attitude. before it was just playing and i didn't care much whether i win or not. i just played the game. Today it is not, i want to win every game which means i have to focus and i have to help my partner but sometimes it does irritate me when my partner commits unforced error. it is a good exercise physically. it burns calories for sure and a lot cheaper than going to gimmicks every friday.

The same thing

TEN TWENTY FIVE AM. Here we go again. Another day. And Im already irritated and stressed! How I hate my Marikina. The traffic could kill you instantly what's more bothering is that the longer you stay in my Marikina the heavier the traffic would be in other locations. How I look forward to the day when I am free to leave my Marikina. Freedom! It is near! November 27 to be exact. Just the thought of it gives a certain high. That's how badly I want to leave my Marikina. Don't get me wrong. Marikina has changed and improved a lot. Cleaner, safer good roads(?) but but but but I've been living in Marikina for so long and maybe I am really bored with the community.

TWELVE TWELVE PM. Now is the time to eat. : )

ONE FIFTY EIGHT PM. Im back from a good lunch. Fair enough. The weather is quite crazy. Sunny, rainy and sunny again then it rains. What could I expect, it's still rainy season. I am keen on trasnfering but it must be somewhere I feel I would grow. Right now, right here I can't see anything in the coming future. Just the same thing every given day. I am again sleepy like yesterday. I hope it wouldn't be that bad just the feeling but I can still function normally. A few more hours and I will leave this crappy place. How could I improve my attitude? This predicament is negatively affecting me. I don't know how to get out of this slum except through transfering to another department. Where? Please tell me.

Random Thoughts

BECAUSE of stupidity I lost my entry for this day. HR asked me to open our corporate website ASAP. So I did only to find out that it had to launch on the same window where my blog is. I had no choice. When I went back my entry has already been erased. I lost one whole page. Now I have to start again somewhere.

CHRISTMAS was the last topic I wrote I think. Yes, it is Christmas and for me it would be a different one. I will be sharing it with someone already. I mean before it was all family and friends but now it will be with a wife. Yes! A different Christmas. I am excited in a way because we can spend it according to what we want and how we want to spend it. It won't be how our immediate family usually celebrate Christmas. Of course, we will still go to family gathering. I also like that. We will see. The sun is different during when Christmas comes. His ray doesn't hurt nor is it annoying in ones eye. The obvious indicator that it is Christmas is of course how cold it is during morning. Just a day ago I can sleep stright without a blanket but now I have to reach out for one. It is starting to get cold. Then the Christmas decor all around will make sure that you won't forget a single day that Christmas is near. I like Christmas because most people are happy especially the children. A time when people are willing to spend just to buy gift for people closest to their heart (or gifts for everybody as along as you extra money)

SUPER SLEEPY. Lack of sleep and too much activity last weekend. Now I am fighting to stay awake. Welcome back Marvin from the land of wonderland. I am waking up slowly. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....... it is 2:30pm

FANTASTIC. We visited a condo unit last Friday and it was really beautiful. I like it. We both like it. Our friend also gave us a good price so I guess we would at least spend a year living in a condo unit. No problem. It's actually a dream come true. I mean your home, just a few blocks away from your office. I don't need to bring the car. I don't have to wake up early to go to work. I don't have to bear the morning and late afternoon rush hour. I don't have to go home very late and not feeling relax in my own bed. It is near my favorite mall, a church etc etc etc. In other word, it is perfect. I will be living there starting November 27 and on December 2 I will be with my wife. Yahooooooo..: ) I don't have to sleep alone anymore. Though, I don't mean to say that I have an issue sleeping alone but to sleep and live life with the person whom you love. That's something else! What a life! This would be the best Christmas in my life so far. We will have another visit tomorrow. The first one caught us unprepared. I mean we were drooling because we were so awed that we would actually lived in that beautiful unit. By the way, maybe for some it would something ordinary but for us it won'tbe. Because, that would be the first time that me and Josephine would be living together under the same roof. This start is good.

BE PATIENT. I should stop myself from visiting other blogs even for curiosity sake. Why? Because theirs are created with artistic sense. Mine, a layout from somewhere. How can they do that? It frustrates me really. I have no time now but later on I will learn how to do it. Sme features are easy since I only have to download it but to create something on your on which could speak for you. In which other people could feel your character, personality. One day I will be able to do so.

FOUR THIRTEEN PM. You know what it means. It means I've written long enough and I am not doing anything. hehehehehehe... Oh, Im starting to hate this job. Save me somebody please! That's a different topic. Two hours and seventeen minutes to go and work is over here at SMART. Thank God Monday is finish! I will attend the prayer meeting tonight. I think I missed three already which means I haven't seen the people for quite sometime already. I like being in a community though I am not that committed but I still want to be part of it. Time to give worship to God. I hope I will hear Him tonight and see what He wants from me.

OH, MY JOB MY JOB. I have so much to say about what is happening in my career right now. I have many stories, blah blah and blah but maybe I won't say it. All Im hoping is that something happens to me in the coming weeks or months. I can forsee the future in this group. Though the task isn't challenging still it is not in my best interest to celebrate a not so challenging job. I feel I will just rot and get old in what Im doing now but the thing is Im still young. There is a slim chance of transfering back to Marketing where all the action are. I hope God would grant my request. There a chance but if God doesn't want me to move then I suppose it is good to stay here. I will leave it up to faith. I like to transfer if you ask me. I will not deny it. Right now, Im craving for something new in my job. I have done my part looking for new places but at the end I still want that God would bless what ever happens. That is more important to me than anything else. Nothing happened to me in this position this year. Wala. Zero. Nothing. I didn't gain anything, worst I feel I lost so many things. Even my simple place I don't have it. Ihad to swallow my pride and hoping it wont choke me. But the situation is killing me. My job is not a job.

END.

Thirty One Entries

The more I write here the more I am enjoying it.

Im 90% healthy. What an ordeal that I had to bear for several days! I thought I was dying as I was already thingking of terrible things. It gave me a hard time sleeping because at the back of my mind I was thinking I might not wake up anymore. Foolish.

I just saw the under 40 rich people of America. Men, how could they do that? It would probably take me a lifetime just to earn USD1,000,000.00. Maybe I won't. Though I am challenged by it. It is like, you know the usual cliche "If they can do it so can I..". I just need one good break, great timing and lots of perseverance. Im sure I will. I will I will I will I will I will I will I will.

I just need these two words to guide me all through out. But above all I will always ask for God's guidance. The day will come eventually. To be rich in something I want to do and in a way that could positively influence others in the long run.

Just two and half months to go and I will be married! *smiling* I like the thought of being married and I wouldn't mind spending countless hours discussing from non sense matters to what the meaning of life. I wouldn't mind holding her hands each day and each night for years and years to come. Nor would I mind getting old just being with her. I love her and I wouldn't trade my place to anyone or for anyone.

Im getting bored with job. I admit it fair and square.

Next year it will be a debt free year! No more loans except for the car which I still have to pay for the next three years. Other than that I will not incur anymore debts but I will rather look on ways how to expand my resources. I am tired having so many loans to take care of. Though, I appreciate experiencing it and learning from it. But I will change focus instead. I must learn how to find ways of earning other than my monnthly pay. I did earn something significant this year but I want it to be more consistent. No more debts I promise! It would be save and save and just save!

Sick poor me

Ive been sick since Tuesday and I hate every minute of it. I don't like being sick. It deprives me of so many activities and it is so frustrating. But why am I sick? Too tired, lack of rest, over fatigue, stressed. I think it is just my body telling me to STOP. Alright. But I do not want to be sick forever. May be a day or two is ok more than that Im going to be insane. Especially now that it Friday. Under normal circumtances, im suppose to play badminto tonight. Obviously, I can't. Then it is really hard for me to drive myself home so I had to ask my sister to drive for me which also means I can't wait for Josephine. See how being sick could ruin your schedule.

Im lost. I admit it. I don't know what direction to follow with my career. There is nothing much to do here except the thing I want to do. I mean no more projects or anything new. Same old crap. I thirst for new challenges. What keeps me going of course is the fact that I have to go on whether I like it or not. This is far more better than doing nothing. At the same time, Im going to be married soon. Im really looking forward. It would be a change and maybe that I am longing for right now. Two months from now and it would be the greatest event of my life after graduating from college. : )

Should we rent a condo near our office or do we dilegently go home to Marikina everynight! Those who vote for a condo, raise your hand!!! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!!
I just can't imagine myself living there in our old Marikina. I've been there for so many years and there is nothing in it really. The traffic is something else, bad roads and our house itself. Full of negativity. I must go so let's see.

got to go now.

Train Station 2

Comfort zone.

When we stay on a certain place or situation that it doesn't stimulate us to think or trigger a burst of energy, when we sit comfortably for too long and liking it, when an activity it becomes a routine and still liking it then you are in a zone of complacency. A place where growth is slow but you won't notice it by yourself. Is it wrong? Yes and no. If it is your final destination and maybe it is then go ahead and enjoy the fruits of your labor BUT if it is just one of the stations of your life. Wake up! Slap your face to see the reality. This is where your purpose, your vision will help you. That's why you should write your vision statement down. This will help you gauge where you are. What station you are currently staying, how much you have accomplished. It is like a map where it can pinpoint where you are.

If by chance you linger in a certain station, just check if you are already satisfied with your accomplishment. Evaluate yourself. If you want to stay there go ahead and if the end isn't that important to you as much as where you are currently standing then you don't have to move a foot. Most probably, you won't. Don't undersell and cheat yourself . You might be destined to greater heights. Your original vision statement will help you.

Train station

What if we have five (5) rest days and just two (2) working days? Lazy thought, unmotivated, nothing to do, uninterested, burnt out or plainly non sense.

Motivation starts in ones mind. Is it something that can be done instantaneously? Yeah, maybe but in this case how long will it last? It could disappear as fast as Siberian Tigers are disappearing. I don’t think a pure thought of being motivated could sustain it. Shallow. Then how could I make myself go back on track. Like any railroad track it ends somewhere. It may have several stations along the way but it will end eventually. If you ride a train just for the thrill of it, your interest and excitement will carry you through. The first station will be amazing… there is a wow experience but as hours pass by you might decide to disembark and quit. It is ok to stop there of course especially that’s all you want. After the emotions have dwindled and left you, there is nothing more to do but change and look for something interesting again. To do this every year of your life I am sure your inner being will be like longing for something, searching for a higher purpose than being driven by temporary satisfaction. What is it then?

Let’s go back to the train station and see it as your life and the journey would be like a train ride. Wow, a train ride of your life. A journey. Do you just want to have a journey? Or would you prefer a destination? Hmmmm.. you can’t choose only one. I think it has to be both but the destination for me destination is more important. Before you go on a journey, see your end destination. See it. Imagine it. Every detail, smell it right under your nose though it is still far. Visualize being there and imagine carefully how you would feel if you have reached the end. Close your eyes and imagine what is happening when you are there in your destination. Feel the excitement even before you reach it. Then as the door of the train opens, focus on your feelings (again). Are you about to cry out of joy? Make your first step as you go out. Then look around you and picture every detail of you want to see. Happy people around, clean surrounding, beautiful colors, sense the aura. Imagine if there will be people who will welcome you, see the happiness in their eyes, and feel the warmth of their embraces. That’s your destiny. Bottom line, visualize it up to the last detail.

What am I driving at? First, know where you want to go. This is always a personal decision. No one can make this for you. Write them down. Everything. Then to add flavor, make sure to include all the feelings. Im sure through the visualization exercise there would be different emotions so write them as well. Of course, you can do this to any of your goal or project. Along the way, there will be some distractions and lot of challenges. Part of the game. This thing that you have written will help you out.

Ok. Now I know what I should do. I have to clear the webs in my mind, cut the tall grasses and see once again the track I have prepared for my self and renew my commitment.

Next….. What to do while in the station?

When I am exhausted, I feel loose and disoriented.I know it. I drop things, my room becomes untidy, I have no time to not clean my car, I am so disorganized and yet I do not seem to care. AND, I don't like it. I hate it when things turn out this way. Because of this my mood is also affected. The more I am hating it now. I wish I can do something. Yeah, I know I must rest and stop for a while. maybe I will do that on Sunday. Wait, on top of these my spiritual life is on a downhill. Im losing myself. BUSY- Being Under Satan's Yoke. That's what my HS teacher used to say.

Bottom line, I have to act and address this unlikely scenario. Where should I start? That would be the first struggle. I have gather enough strength from within to overcome this. The Lord will help me and I will start with the Lord. Go to confession! Always start from within and it will fuel enough heat to propel to be above water again. Nevermind, if after few days I might fall again. That does not matter. I will focus on what I have to do now.

Yesterday, we watched Eternal Sunshine...blah blah. That was a different Jim Carrey. Not that deep but enough to stir some emotions especially for those who can relate to the story. Those whose relationship has ended, about to end or being tested. Memory of love was being erased through a computer....but at the end (like in any love story) love prevailed. I was with my Honey (Josephine) then with our Happy People friends Carla, Gayle Rochelle and Eric. After the movie, we ate at Italliani's. The food was good but the bill wasn't.. : ). Ok, it was all worth it, to spend time with good friends from time to time.

They got the 6:40pm schedule and instead of being excited we all got tensed and pressured. Because none of was really sure if we would be free by that time. Funny how we tried to squeeze the schedule. We decided to laugh at it. Yes, we missed the first few minutes of the movie.

Chapter 31 verse 2

Everyday, Im getting old. I already reached the 31st chapter of my life. All of us make his or her own story. Every story is unique and interesting and it would really depend on how you read it. But no one should judge others stories.

Seven days after

We were so busy that we didn’t enjoy the passing of our birthdays. Josephine was busier than I am of course. Last Sunday, we had a quiet simple dinner with the family and maybe that was enough. There was nothing that had happened in my birthday that is worth remembering. Maybe that was it. I admit that I got so tired that I wasn’t really expecting or even planned anything. Come what may.  Saturday evening we went to The Spa. That was something different and expensive too. I needed that massage and I can say it was better than the previous ones we had.

Going back to being 31 years old. One is always good, huh. It signifies a start of something. It is refreshing. Hmmmmm… where was I ten years ago? Why, still studying and about to graduate. I met Josephine ten years ago though there was no immediate attraction. It was just casual. I guess we started slowly because after awhile we started talking to each other and became friends and then good friends and then more than friends and then a couple and months from now as husband and wife. Ok, back to where I am again. This year I will be married. See, a start again. We were transferred to a totally new group and boss. It is good that it feels like that I mean a start of something new. I know my self very well that sometimes I just want to end something and start something new again. Like if it is somewhere in November I would wish that it would be a January soon. It has always been like that. I always tend to look forward to a new start a chance to break free an old root and be reborn and fly away somewhere different. An insatiable thirst to open a new chapter. The nearer it gets that harder to avoid focusing on it. (We also have a new term for our President). The waiting sometimes is killing me. There is this feeling of restlessness because I sometimes am paralyzed by my own doing. Waiting waiting but eventually it will come. Whether you wait or not, you become impatient or not, avoid it or not it will come in its own time.

Maybe I have to do something in my job, like changing it. Hahahahaha. Just to be consistent with myself. Right now, I don’t have a specific plan for my career. That part is what I do not like. For the past three years, it seemed that I was not able to focus on my career. First, was because of my car, last year was because of my car and my sister who was hospitalized and then this year I am more focus with our wedding preparation. There is a little bit of guilt in me because of this. I know I know my job shouldn’t be compromised but must be given proper attention also. I’m not saying through I’m being complacent but still I feel I could do more. Booh booh me. There will be better days.

It will be August next week, a new month another beginning of something.. : ) Good. Good. I will maybe start on something. Yeah, I just need to anchor on something and it will let me focus and stay in one place and be able to do properly. Aaaaaaaarggghhhhh….maybe it is because I don’t have enough motivation or not enough challenge and I am not push to the limit. Wait, about August. I wish it would end soon. Hahahahaha… it will be the feast of Assumption, we will attend the caravan and we scheduled our first wedding seminar. Still not enough activity for me. Hmmmmm… before this week ends, I will jot down what I want to do this August which would include my work.

Im still the same person that I am seven days ago. Still funny. Sometimes I want to spend a day without smiling or making others laugh or letting them feel good inside. I feel vulnerable at times because I talk too much for my own good. That’s according to me. Or I am afraid that people might not take me seriously. Hey, what else would I want to attain that’s a problem. I should ask God for help. Otherwise, I might be happy outside but deep inside I would feel hollow and without meaning. I don’t want that to happen.

I’ve started taking multivitamins with Iron, STRESSTABS!!! I’m curios to find out its effect but I am also concerned that it would make me fat. Lets see what will happen after a month of observation. I do lack sleep and Im sure my iron level is insufficient. I play basketball and badminton. That would surely burn my excess fats. I’ve cut down my carbo intake. I also have reduced significantly the bottle of softdrink I take. But for coffee. I am so sorry I can’t stop it! I still love drinking coffee. However, I am now eating my breakfast regularly. Who wouldn’t???? After being hospitalized for ulcer, whoa I do not want to have that pain anymore. Too painful.

My last day as a 30 year old

 
Yes. 30 years of living. I've been here in this planet for 30 years. Is it an end or a start of something special for me? I do not know but I will place my bet on the special side.  Right now, I am so tired that I can't even focus on the fact that it is my bday tomorrow.  Hey, Im fit and it brings happiness deep inside.  Three years ago when I decided to lose some pounds I thought then that it would be impossible to be fit. I was on the borderline from being overweight to being obese. When I realized that I was out of shape, i never imagined how I allowed my self to be out of shape. Denial. Thank goodness Im now in my ideal weight but of course I still plan to lose 5 to 10 pounds more. The gym helped me control weight and at the same time helped me to increase my metabolism. Just a few more weeks or months I suppose and I will be ok already.

Hmmm so let's see where I am as a 30 year old guy.

1. I have a stable job that pays well (though I wish I could earn more..: ) ).
2. This is the job that I want
3. I have a car
4. I have  little savings but it has a potential to grow through the years
5. I have a cell phone
6. I have many shoes and clothes
7. I have credit cards
hahahahahaha.....I am being materialistic here
8. I belong to a Catholic Community
9. I have a very beautiful fiancee
10. My relationship with my family has improved a lot
11. I was able to go to Paris and Belgium for free
12. I am 150lbs
13. I can still play basketball and now badminton
14. I have friends all around the world
15. I have very good friends here in my country
16. We now belong to a different department and this set-up is better
17. I am college graduate
18. I never have committed any crime
19. I am more confident as a person
20. I know God loves me more than I love Him. Faithfully.

that's about it for the mean time.

 

 

 

Time to move on

Stop looking back.
The longer you stare at the unchangeable yesterday
The more you will stay where you are
No movement except that time will leave you behind
Years will pass by but your mind is stuck.
To a time that has long been gone.
Pitiful!

If looking back makes you sad and regretful
Stop. Say farewell. Act and forgive your yesterday.
Stop whining and blaming others.
Don't allow it to control you every single day.
Day after day it will just be heavier and heavier.
Think of how many years you've been carrying this
baggage.
Stand up!

It is not worth it. You are alive.
A full life ahead to enjoy and it is all yours.
Just decide today that's all you need to do.
Don't plan to change anything from your past.
You can't but you can dictate your future by
accepting the past.
Look ahead!

Go and try a small step.Wake up and move your feet.
Day by day you will understand why people can smile
You are free now. The chains that bind you has been
broken.
The curtains on your eyes has been removed.
Realize it.

Aha! Now, see it is not that difficult afterall.
Get used to being happy. Don't take life too
seriously.
Smile your cares away. You are the greatest of all
God's creation.
You are a son/daughter of God.
A God who is victorious and all mighty.
Believe it!

He has prepared something special for you and me.
That's where we will all go. To God's Kingdom.
That's our destiny regardless where we came from.
So, what are you waiting for?
Move....

What, Where and How am I doing?

But just floating somewhere in the past, present and future.
My feet hardly stand on a solid ground
Why? I am lost in this cycle of changes.
One day, all things are concrete then just in a blink, things have changed. One day, I finally reached the final lap. or is it?

Then again a new door has opened
There in that place just behind that door
Something new, something unknown, something different waiting for me. I don't want to come in yet ...........

I have decided to float in between the next level and an end. Looking behind makes me smile but it is fading rather quickly. Those are things of the past and all of them I treasured in my heart. Memories which will serve me right as I start to move my frozen feet.

But I am not yet ready to stand and go on.
I want to stop. If only I can stop the world from spinning too. To simply just stop and be quiet.
I know I must move on but I am tired.

Too tired and yet the world keeps on spinning.
Day and then night and then day again.
It is like I am in the center and all are moving except me.

Sometimes I would like to grasp a moment and let it freeze in time. A moment when time does not exist nor the season that sometimes bring sadness in my heart. I will hold tightly in my palm the gentle wind that blew joyful and happy memories in my face. I love it tough it also makes me feel sad too sometimes.

Stop and wait.
My feet are heavy and the load on my shoulder..... I dropped.
I don't care. Please understand.
See me exist. I will stand soon.
But not just yet.

I am not afraid.
God is with me even in this world,
a corner where I would remain seated.
Until God tells me to let my life choose its own meaning.
For now, I will let myself shed tears in God's shoulders.

Silent Awakening

Silent Awakening

I remember the sleepless nights
not knowing where to go, not caring for tomorrow
I remember crying myself to sleep
only to wake up crying once more
I remember being so afraid, so uncertain
sitting on a corner of the room with no one but fears in my heart
I remember the betrayal and the hurt
hopeless, desperate just me and my troubles
I remember how depression took control of my only "self"
anger , bitterness mixed with intensity
I remember the dark nights and gloomy mornings
painful silence covered my life
I remember staring the ceiling for hours
wishing to end it all. a sudden end. I was tired and spent. I remember........ ending it all that night
Listening to myself I was defeated, shamed and humbled.
Listening to myself I didn't want to go on.
Not the sun of a new day can brighten my life
Not even a smile of a child
My life stood still.Halted. Time seemed unimportant
Life was just plain breathing in and out.
Closing my eyes every night only to open it with sadness
The spirit was dead just the body moved on.
I never questioned or threw it to someone. It was just like that. Life. Then one day it was over.
Today, I remember this chapter of my story with great respect. I respect the person going through the moment of agony and constant sorrow. I respect what it was like being defeated and humbled.
I can see clearly now. It wasn't really a tragedy but a life in metamorphosis.
A change needed and it happened within. There, I had something new as if I earned a pair of wings. I will not forget my past for it was there that God showed me how much He loves me.
Touch of God in all things seen and unseen. He held me tight though I struggled to be set free. He didn't let go. I saw how He sent all His angels to comfort and cheer me when I can not endure the pain any longer.
Yes, I remember. The moment when I wanted to die God gave me my life.
I remember and never will I forget. God loves me.
p.s. He loves you too.

Josephine and I watched HP 3 last night. It's almost like a horror movie. Not for kids anymore. As a matter of fact, there was a child behind our seat who got scared and cried. It was too long. I can't really comment about the differences between the first two and this one. It ended at 12:30 am and I got home again at around 2:30am. Well, it was ok just for my Josephine.

Josephine informed me yesterday that she was able to finally solved the problem she has. That's a big relief. Though, it couldn't be reserved. Such an expensive learning. I she learned from it because it could really weaken any knees.

binch writing

Just came out of a tiring leave. I was supposed to rest but I think I wasted it by watching tv and DVD. Plus the fact that I almost was not able to get the car out of the house. I needed to remove the front spoiler so I can drive it out of our garage. Lastly, I went home at almost 2am. So in effect, it was all the same. Except that I was able to see how the Lakers lost (don't want to elaborate further. i received several calls and sms just to inform me about this game. ridiculous!).

It was BLD's 19th foundation day. I am happy to be a part of a community. It is very helpful indeed and to see so many people in the community is a welcome sight for me. I mean, it just mean that we belong to a bigger family as we are striving and helping each other to be God's instruments.

With little more than five months it will be our wedding day. I am excited and can't wait. It is taking too long. But I am also concerned with the pace on how we are doing things. I am not sure if we are doing it right. Are we slow or just about right. I have to do something. I have to take a look at our plans and finances. I don't like this nagging feeling. I feel that I am being warned right now and we have to move. planning planning planning......


I signified my interest to explore a job opening here. I am just being open and let's see. May the Lord guide me all through out.

Thank goodness. Josephine was able to stop the bleeding in her salary. It was very very very costly but there is really nothing we can do anymore. At least, it is over. Finally.


The readings in the Bible for the past few days were all about enemies and forgiveness. I wonder why I've noticed this. Who are my enemies Lord? Who should I forgive?

Too much to say

Finally, I can write something here after days of disappearance. Im just doing fine with additional spices now. But I know I will be ok. Changes suck and pleasant all at the same time. It is quite confusing because of different emotions attached to it. No choice. Either accept the change and move on or be swallowed and linger with the overwhelming feeling. Is it really overwhelming? I think not. It is just my mind creating an exagerrated picture, trying to convince me that there are so many reasons for me to worry. It is 20% successful and 80% failure. I welcome change in my life. I guess it is just a matter of how to handle the emotions. Work with it or be burdened.

LAKERS 1-3 vs Pistons: Oh well. they've placed themselves in a pit. If they will be able to overcome this then they will earn a place in professional sports. Who knows.

Financially, I am challenged. How to create more money is one of the mysteries I am trying to uncover. I am not really satisfied with my pay. Not because it is small but it it's because it is something I can predict, project, compute easily. I want to have money outside my work. So far, I only managed to generate Php5,000.00. Pity me. Right now though, I am looking forward to close a deal. It has a future and hopefully I will be able to close it tonight. I hope I will.

Im still thinking of something. I don't know what it would be. Im sure if God is on my side, He will grant it. So, I better ask Him for guidance all throughout. Im sure He will one day give it. But as I've said it should be something that the Lord wants me to do. Otherwise, it wouldn't bloom.


The Singles Ministry will have its first outing ever. I'm heading the preparation and I am happy for the support. I hope it will push through. We officialy launch it last night. So far so good. We pegged Php20K for this event. Though, we project too that we will be able to lessen the cost. The launch was hilarous. hahaahahahaha. Let's see, what will it be next week.

I've been thinking.No, not exactly. Right now, I am open to see how it would be like to transfer to another group. This too shall need God's stamp. I will not move without Him agreeing. That's for sure.

I am not feeling well. Not that I have a fever or colds or cough. It just that I have difficulty breathing. It seems I need more air and it is hard to fill up my lungs. I've been like this since last week. I hate the feeling. Trying to catch my breathe. I need a rest. The last time I felt like this, I remember I just took a day off and slept the whole day. The following day I was ok. I hope I would be able to rest tomorrow.

I created a yahoogroup for international roaming. I have no idea where it will lead but for me it is a good idea for us to be able to see the lighter side of counterparts and to be able to discuss more other than the roaming business. Though,we could still discuss it there.

What can I say about the new people around me. I don't know what to say. Should I care? Honestly, I don't. The thing is I also have to consider how the others see me. Should I care? no, again. But I must maintain a low profile here and just wait for the proper time that I could be part of the main stream. That is if I ever want to. I would know as time goes by.

oooooooooooh. im starting to be sleepy again. I hate it really. I think I should take vitamins already.then let's see if it really has an effect on me.

He let him lived, that old man.
On the couch all day he sit still
Waiting for the sun to wave goodbye

His life is waiting nowhere to go
Life not that precious
Wounds that never heals
Horror of life past remain

He isn't here? just went back
What do you think?
Should he too disappear?
No.

But the son shouted inside
For all the memories that was never expressed
Anger swept in until the man is old
Now, the tide has turn.

Kill. or for the first this will be done
I do not want to see
He just waited when there is no more strength
He pulled the gun and let him rest.

Happily Defeated

Finally, I had my confession awhile ago and though it wasn't really hard but the absence of struggle made me delayed it for quite sometime. I am happy that God never gave up for me. He kept on reminding me to go and be cleansed. He never let my spirit rest until I surrender myself unto Him.

He did. He humbled me in a different way. I didn't suffer like encountering big problems or dilema, lost of something or someone, sadness depression or anything near these situations I mentioned. God just opened my eyes that there a lot of things in my life that I can not control. That if I allow Him to handle it, there will be peace within me. I realized that I've been avoiding a lot of things because yeah they overwhelmed me too much. I also thought that confession is just a matter of schedule. It isn't.

When I realised these things last week, it sparked something inside me and I felt lighter and I was more than willing to lift everything to God. It made sense.

Okay. One day at a time but I feel I am ready to move now. Not only that, it is having this motivation that wants me to go and lift my foot. My hands are actually full though I neglegted it for quite sometime.

Let me do what I want and what I should be doing. I am aware of it but I stalled. Let me finish them and handle them one at a time.

You are wrong

Mark 12:27

That's what strucked me when I read the gospel for today. What is it? Is it an answer to a question I have not asked yet? Does it refer to how I lead my life? Or just a simple reminder since I postponed my confession for tomorrow.

I'm sorry Lord for my stubborn ways. I thank you for the grace of allowing me to read your word since it's truly something that I need and should do everyday. Your guidance I seek, Father.

What do I imagine how I should live my life? Just the everyday activities. Let me see how low or high my standard is and if what I am doing about it.


1. Prayer and meditation before sleeping.
2. Wake up 30 mins earlier than usual for my morning prayer.
3. 15-20min of exercise in the morning.
4. Visit the Blessed Sacrament before going to office.
5. Discipline in work by not surfing too much.
6. Ready plans/schedules for the day.
7. Good financial management.
8. Never hesitate to help someone
9. Help with sincerity
10. Read good books
11. Study languages, English, French and German
12. Attend prayer mtgs and Sunday masses
13. Pay in time and according to terms
14. Learn to motivate myself
15. Never be an arrogant person
16. Create friendships
17. Always include family in prayers
18. Allow God to make decisions for me

Hmmmmm......i will include points here next time. I just realized that I am not doing most of the things I listed and maybe that's the reason why I am somewhat bothered or feeling confused lately. Why? I don't know. There is nothing wrong with my life. No struggles or too much problem that could cripple me but somehow deep inside I know I am living a life the way I want it to be. I feel I have shortchanged myself a little bit but I want to end it before it totally lead to mediocrity and lukewarmness in my spiritual life. Everyday is important.

Yes, I am wrong. Let me see what will it be tomorrow.

Ciao

just nothing

Visiting other blog sites is like trekking the UNKNOWN. I am surpised at how many have came up with their own. Yeah, I know I am late here. My trip inside the cyber is quite interesting. There are a lot of good writers and they are dedicated to their on line journals. Me. I am a beginner. I don't know if the the few posts I made are enough to form the person that I am. I am not sure if I was able to develop the character or something like that. This is challenging. Make your reader visualize or create a mental image of who you are. It could be someone you are not (that's more difficult because you have to be consistent) or remain true to yourself. Me, I would just be myself as much as I want to show a different persona, nah, it is not me and I am not a writer myself.

It is been a month since I created this blog. I say, it helps but sometimes I am pressured to write something. That's because I have visited other's sites and I want to reach that level. But I am new.

Yes, if you are new, you have to be patient and maintain a low profile.

hmmmm...

Time Machine

Time really flies so fast. It is faster now than when my world was revolving around school and our house. Even the problems then were simplier but nope during my wonderyears I thought, My God why have you forsaken me. Little that I know, the problems I sometimes face now are x times more serious than before but I guess Im more equipped now. Thanks to God, really. I don't go around a problem and delay it. I don't fret much (though my human nature still prevails) because I've met God before and I've encountered a lot with God. All of them were victorious. I agree that I don't get what I usually want but God gives me more than that. I receive His love in everything and if He humbles me, I thank God because He allows me to see it and why it has to be.

A few months from now, I/we will step into another level of this life. Yeah, it is totally different from what I have now or what I have seen before. It would be living with another being. A commitment blessed by God. I really do not know what to expect though I prefer to just welcome this new life with open hands and mind. What ever it will offer, I will accept. I haven't been there. A new world maybe. for bot of us.

There are moments when I really just want the world to stand still and stop spinning. Give me a break. Freeze a moment and cherish it. No morning nor evening. Smell the roses, watch the birds, dive in an ocean of living colours, stand and feel the softness of sand under my bare feet, be enveloped with the cold wind,or let the rain fall upon my face. I don't want to move. Let me breathe. Let me dream. Let me see. Let me feel. Just stop. No, I am not tired but sometimes I just want to see the same picture a cloud has to offer. Please don't change it. I want it. Ah yes, the gift of memory. Given to us to store anything we please so that everytime we want to return we only have to close our eyes and see what was once before, smell once again those precious times. No. that's not what I want. I wish people could stop for awhile and just talk to each other, ask each other about life. Forget the hatred, bitterness, failures, but only happiness be spared of the cruelty of this world.

In heaven maybe.

Daily thing

Here comes school. Some have started and others will slowly follow then it's back to normal. I now have to wake up an hour earlier so I wouldn't be caught with the daily traffic grind. traffic traffic traffic. How I hate it. I would really prefer to be relocated near our office. Let may car just rest and walk to my office every morning and in the afternoon to go home. But no no no... I have to go though this stupid traffic. The earlier you go home, the more horrible the traffic is...

So it is final, we will be transferred to a new department. Good. because I really think even before that we should really be part of the group and not some technical people. Also, we will have a direction finally. Bad. well, not really but you know people about changes. there will be adjustment because of new leaders, new people around etc etc.,.. part of life.

tomorrow will be the deliberation for my upgrade. that is something good of course. a welcome news for us. thank God thank God.

about God, Im really sorry Lord. I've been postponing my date with You. I admit it's because of my laziness and the thought that I am not ready to commit. I hear you everyday calling me and I know that deep inside me I want to follow your voice and yet I delay it... tsk tsk tsk..Please grant me the strength, the discipline to follow you Lord. I ask that you Humble me Father. It is only through humility that I can do this. Father, let me come to You. I want to be near you. Help me feel it.

We are going to watch shrek 2 tonight (i really hope so) because Josephine is still in a mtg.

I saw the link of the one beheaded in Iraq. I have no guts to view it though and I don't think I need to see such gruesome killing. It might also cause nightmares. May your soul rest in peace together with God in Heaven, brother.

another disturbing news is that of Sef. How unfotunate and it was really unbelievable that he did it. May the God forgive you and may ask for forgiveness from your family, relatinces and God. I pray for the souls of your family.

Freaky Wednesday

This week is turning out to be a disaster. Not that I have a big problem or I am being pressured or something. Somehow, I realized that Im slowly being pulled down by my boredom. I see myself right now as someone who doesn't care but hey, goodthing I suddenly saw my predicament. Im being drown by mediocrity without knowing it. The challenge now is to get up and be excited about things again. To be more specific with work. Gee...Im unmotivated, uninspired, apathetic..grrrrr. but there is really no fire inside me. I can blame our group's situation of course,there is no clear direction, no plans we are just like floating, in limbo, wonderland.But why should I? I must carry myself well in this kind of situation. It didn't just happen overnight I know. While the people around us have so many projects to handle everyday, I am left with just monitoring activities. Okay now Marvin.

In order for someone to change, one must realize first what has to change. Acknowledge that hey, Im in deep S***. Otherwise, nothing......just nothing will ever happen. What a waste. Opening your eyes and figuring out when to close it again.How boring can you get. I can't see. I can't move.I can't do anything. My mind played tricks on me as if there is nothing wrong but my heart made me feel the coldness, the lack of activities on my part.

I watched Kobe played and really he sucks during the first half of the game. He was just flowing with the game and not really participating. Sure, he was passing the ball, defending but he's role in the team is to shoot. Nope, he tried once but he did because time was running out. Second half came, slowly he picked himself up. Kobe started shooting though he made some mistakes but you could see his struggle and how he wanted to join the team. He did it excellently! 21 points at the end of the game, all in 2nd half.. Wow! hahahahha, Yup, maybe that's life telling me how to do it. Shout to ref and get a technical foul to ignite the fire within. So what stupid thing must I do to this cold body.

Honestly, I really don't get this guy. His becoming a nasty crab everyday. Pushing people away including me. tsk tsk tsk. He used to be liked by all groups but the manner of how he speaks now has earn him a bad reputation and the way it looks, it won't change. Either, he has limited vocabulary or he really doesn't care. That's sucks man.

There is a driver who almost hit us. Stupid. We were already in the middle of the road and he never slowed down and I didn't either. He stop of course and I gave him the stare. Stupid stupid just like the driver I encounter the other day... Ahhhhhhhhhhh..... we have so many fools behind the wheels. Man, you don't own the street. Sometimes, following road courtesy could lead you to accident here because of these fools especially bus drivers!!!


Okay, our Head boldy told us that I am going to be promoted and that we are going to be transferred to a new department. well........got to go.

Rain Rain Rain.........

With the rain comes flooded streets, dirty cars, dirty shoes, wet jeans, jackets, colorful umbrella, hot coffee, sleeping season, opening of schools, traffic traffic traffic everywhere, stranded, cold office, no more beaches or swimming, colds, fever, drizzles, fast winds, calamity, death overflowing of dams, closure of roads, improvised walk ways in flooded streets, pedicabs, stalled vehicles, moonless and starless nighrts, fallen leaves everywhere, thrash, blankets, rising rivers, no work, cancelled classes, children playing in the rain, mud, cookies, hot chocolates,lazy days, lazy weekends..... many many more.

What, Where and How am I doing?

(originally written last Aug, 2002)

But just floating somewhere in the past, present and future.
My feet hardly stand on a solid ground
Why? I am lost in this cycle of change.
One day, all things are concrete then just in a blink, things have changed. One day, I finally reached the final lap. or is it?

Then again a new door has opened
There in that place just behind that door
Something new, something unknown, something different waiting for me. I don't want to come in yet ...........

I have decided to float in between the next level and an end. Looking behind makes me smile but it is fading rather quickly. Those are things of the past and all of them I treasured in my heart. Memories which will serve me right as I start to move my frozen feet.

But I am not yet ready to stand and go on.
I want to stop. If only I can stop the world from spinning too. To simply just stop and be quiet.
I know I must move on but I am tired.

Too tired and yet the world keeps on spinning.
Day and then night and then day again.
It is like I am I the center and all are moving except me.

Sometimes I would like to grasp a moment and let it freeze in time. A moment when time does not exist nor the season that sometimes bring sadness in my heart. I will hold tightly in my palm the gentle wind that blew joyful and happy memories in my face. I love it tough it also makes me feel sad too sometimes.

Stop and wait.
My feet are heavy and the load on my shoulder..... I dropped.
I don't care. Please understand.
See me exist. I will stand soon.
But not just yet.

I am not afraid.
God is with me even in this world,
a corner where I would remain seated.
Until God tells me to let my life choose its own meaning.
For now, I will let myself shed tears in God's shoulders.

Affirmed by Myself

Are you sad?
Don't worry it is ok to be sad.
Are you lonely?
Put a smile on your face, you have a friend in me.
Are you mad?
Tell me all about it, I will listen.
Are you lost?
Look beside you, I am just here.
Are you happy?
I am so glad to hear that from you.

You don't have to hide yourself, show yourself maybe not to the whole world
but your friends are enough.
Trust that you are accepted as you are, the whole you.
From where you have been to what you are going through right at this
moment.

No one will pass judgement on you but will just stay by your side until you
are ready to stand up once more.
Be yourself.

Don't be afraid of the troubles in this world.
Divide it with the number of friends you have and believe that God even took
the biggest portion of the trials then what do you have? Accept the pains
for it teaches compassion. Accept the hardships because it humbles. Accept the
memories and it will help you appreciate life. Accept anger and it will
teach you to forgive.
Let it be.

No need to say anything, ssshhhhhh. Let the tears flow and let the heart
speaks.
Don't be conscious of my presence. I will just allow you to cry. I won't say
anything.
I will not even touch you. You may close your eyes. Acknowledge and feel the
pains you have.
Cry and let go.

When you are ready, you can say what you want Dont worry about me. I will
just listen to you.
Don't condemn yourself while bravely sharing to me your thought just be who
you are and what your emotions are telling you.
I understand. You don't have to rationalize. You do not have to defend the
person or people who brought you pain.
Just be true.

You are important. You are not a bad person. The world will not be the same
with out you. God created the unique you and I can attest to that. He has
breathe life to you and through you. Don't ever think that no one ever looks
at you. I see you and I smile whenever I see you. Don't let life's burden
clouds your perception of yourself because the truth is you are beautifully
and carefully created. I embrace the real person in you. Someone here sees
not only the mask but also the one wearing it. It is time to stop hiding and
just be yourself.
Be free.

Can you smile now? What a blessing that is! I rejoice with you and share
with your happiness. Today, you are are now you eversince you have been
created. You are not changed not someone new. You just became the person you
ought to be without the pretensions, defenses but just simply you. You
deserve to show the world who you are.
You are loved.

Finally, forgive.

nothing to do

when i give my heart
it will be completely
or I'll never give my heart
and the moment
that I feel that
you feel that way too
is when I fall in love with you..............

Part 1. Single no more......very soon.

I've met her but I wasn't paying attention. I was five years older than her and about to graduate while she just started her college life. We shared some stories, hi and hello, talked about the weather. Small stuff friends share to each other. That was who we were then. Just two normal friends, no attachment, no romantic chemistry, nothing deep, no nothing. One day it was time to leave my dear university.

I was at that time committed to someone. My life revolved around my eX, my problems at work, direction in life, struggling Catholic, problems with family but the end of the day it was always about my eX. She was my world.

I received an invitation to work for my beloved alma mater. I accepted and there I was back in the academic community. My relationship with my eX was starting to melt down. We fought almost everyday and I was pained to see how little commitment she has for us. After almost two years, she wanted to end it. I tried my best to hold on. So much tears flowed. Was it real or just a bad dream? It hurt me so much then I felt numb and lost. When I thought that I could still pursue her, she entered a new relationship with another. Double dead. No where to go.I was pulled out of my comfort zone.

My only consolation was that I knew that I could always turn to God. I cried endlessly for God to take away the unbearable pain. I thought about death but God's love was more powerful than anything. I knew He felt my pain and He was there with me every night. Slowly, I begun to see things differently. I started to find my self and have given my self a deadline. Yup, a deadline on how long I would sulk. True enough, I was able to walk again and I even made a promise to my self that I will find ways to forgive my eX and release her. Both emotionally and spiritually. It worked.

That was the point when I noticed her. The woman whom I will exchange vows with this December to love and care for the rest of my life.

Be Silly sometimes.........or most of the time

This NBA-playoff-finals-fever is testing my multi tasking skills...hahahaha. Checking the latest scores, the new articles while doing my work. After the NBA, it would be the PBA finals and then at last it's UAAP once again... That would be the climax of my baskbetall season. Here we go again to ARANETA where you can shout anything against anyone especially to the person beside you who keeps on doing the same thing whenever his/her team made a goal. I, of course, would like to see my team win all the way this year. They fell short but no one dared to predict that our team would even reach the play-off. So, there we were with so many rookies playing against the Blues. Yeah, we lost but somehow I smiled silently when they lost to FEU..: ) Well,a new drama will unfold this season. Will DLSU be the host for this season? answer me please.................
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Yesterday, I spent so much time trying to learn this "blog". It was really, really, really, frustrating especially after visiting some blog sites. I don't have any slightest idea how to improve mine even with all those cheats tag. It looks complicated. Talk about contradictory. Wanting something that I don't have..let me settle down and just put into words all my frustrations instead.
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Half of my life (even more), I was perceived as someone so serious especially during college days. What was odd was that I smiled a lot and made people laugh until they can't laugh anymore. Something was definitely wrong with me.I would sometime talk and talk and talk at how the world was maltreating me. I was also too sensitive for my own good. I was also like this and like that. Good thing and great gifts, I was surrounded by friends who could bite their lips or patiently listen to my rants.

Until one day, I got tired of it. I was analyzing my self too much. Man, that could drain all your cells out of your brain. Maybe that helped me, flushing out parts of my brain. God was a big part of it. He showed how to be silly with myself. Instead of trying so hard to make others laugh I slowly learned to laugh at myself.Oh,yes I can! If ever I have a chance to meet the Marvin before I will laugh at him because he was so serious and it made him so ugly.hahahaha. The greatest lesson for me was to know how to lift all to God and enjoy life.

So, if you chance upon someone here in Makati laughing with noone, that could be me. But don't you dare point that to me because Im sensitive...hahahahaha.just kidding. Be silly and you will live a longer life. You will attract other people too who need some silly therapies. Give them to me, Im Dr. Silly. hahahaha.. corny!

Hey friends, thank you very much for accepting me for who I was and I thank you for who I am today. It wasn't easy for you maybe as it wasn't easy for me too. You are all my greatest gifts from God and I treasure you all.

back to work, Marvin.

Life is what it is

I often catch myself wanting something that I don't have. There's nothing wrong with that but if it paralyzes me then that's a cue that thinking for something more isn't healthy anymore.Beep beep beep beep beep...tic tac tic, im wasting time then.

My first grade teacher guided us on how to solve mathematical problems. She would often pointed to us the following steps 1. Read the problem (statement) carefully. What is it saying? 2.What is it looking for or what the heck is the problem?. 3. Identify what is "given" 4. From what is given analyzed what else you can extract from it 5. Finally, solve the problem. 6. Yup, there is a six. Evaluate your answer and think of how you can make other believe that what you have is the correct way of solving the problem (though, this was the last step I almost forgot to consider in life).

Well,well, well do you have any problems right now? Why don't you try this one. Work on the given. Work on what you have right now and derive what else you can use in order to solve your problem. BUT hey, If I needed my first grade teacher to show it to me, I needed GOD to guide me with my life's problem. Try it, it is free!

Screaming for rest.

It was physically exhausting yesterday. We played basketball again with the kids. 10 years younger than us, I think. Just try to imagine how we tried our damn best to outrun them or outsmart them. We failed big time of course. Before, basketball was to win, now it is more for fitness sake. Most of us were out of shape. We could run maybe up to a minute and then just take a walk on defense. Though, I can say that I think I can run side by side with the kids because I have been exercising for quite sometime already and somehow built my endurance and stamina. My stomach is slowly losing its stubborn fats. Not so easy, Im telling you. It took me 2 years just to have this result and I am not happy yet. More work to come.

Anyway, we played for two hours. After that, I had to wait for my fiancee to finish her work. Good ness, I stayed inside the car for three long hours. She finished at around 2:30am and then I had to bring her to their house. We ate and I left at around 3:30am.

I got home at 4:00am. My brother was about to leave for work. See the picture. I slept and woke up at around 6:30am and now here I am trying to work....so tired.

It is Friday and that helps me relax a bit and I will have three days rest. Election on Monday.

Tonight, even though Im tired I am still looking forward to play badminton and sweat it out again. Here, I can be as competitive as I want. Not as physically demanding as basketball. I want to win here. Wish me well.

my miracle: im fit. i've lost my love handles. Yahoo....I thought before that it was impossible.

Mommy, happy birthday!

Hi there my dear Mother, happy birthday! Allow me to pray for you.

I pray for your well being everyday wherever will you be or what ever you will be doing. May the Lord bless your heart with peace and love and understanding. May He bless your hands that all those you would touch today will be enlightened.

May you find comfort in knowing that your children are doing fine. You have raised four kids and we are blessed with our life today because of you. I lift up all your worries to God that He will take care of them. All of them. I believe in my heart that God is doing something special for you. He will grant your heart's desire.

I pray for good health and that may you be sorrounded by love from the people around you and those who are miles away from you.

May you continue to live life to glorify our one true God. Amen

I miss the Lord

I remember being a student in a not so distant past. I was in love with the Lord then. I remember running after stepping out of our car just to get to the chapel. I mean it. I long for it to come again. Though, I can not say that I have totally forgotten what it is like to be with the Lord. I still do enjoy being with God and communing with Him.

I thank Him. For His patience and guidance because after all these years, I still find myself longing for Him more and more. I surrender and I hope I could do it everyday and every moment of my life.

My First entry

This morning I woke up tired on my first sight. I was lost and not wanting to be found. Just be there in the center or corner or above or below. Nowhere. I disappeared and didn't raise my hand for someone to see. Until I heard my celfone. I chose to be lost. Im sorry........Not for any reason but just leave me alone.

And so I walked silently in our empty house. Nope. You can't see me. hahahaha..but the sudden splash of water changed everything. My senses have come alive.

You are in charge of your life. Not the person beside you, not the boss you feared most, not your parents and most especially not your past. You may choose everything and anything... be free. do what you want in life. Be silly sometimes without explaining yourself. be yourself even if others force you to be someone else. Take courage!