Life is Breeze

one day it was summer. people rushing to find activities to do while the sun is shining. long days short nights. everything is fast. then it is autumn.life once again is slowing down. i think of my boys. Paolo and Nicolo. five and two. still young but in one big blink time will warp to the fullest speed. but not today. everyday it is sbout watching them grow up, enjoy their childhood and guide them as least as I can and let them figure up about this world. Though, as all fathers perhaps this is not so easy to do. to give everything and everything as much as you could. i know it shouldnt be. I believe that life is a breeze and I accept it. to remain commited. to remain strong. to remain in love. to remain faithful. everything can change in time but these will not. so get up and continue the work that has begun and its end. because above all God remains.

gettin back to write

finally. I have been wanting to write something and I always what the experience be like using an ipad. so yes, this is my first ipad blog entry.. I have to say this.This is alson the first time that Nicolo came to the room and decided on his own to sleep beside me. july 10. 3 more days and our Luxembourg born baby will be turning 2. i have never been this expressive and completely relying on God. after dropping off Polo to school, i recite the rosary from school to my office and everyday claiming God's rule and victory. i then focus on how exciting the day would be and that I would learn a lot. everyday. indeed im learning so muc from this Luxembourg Vodafone experience. the things ive read before are the things i am applying now especially about self motivation. full experience and nothing theoretical. so i have a coach, i am starting to learn a new organizational skill, i play golf, i swim and spend some forest walk time everyweek. i am doing what i want to do for this year and snd there are still a lot more to accomplish. I am truly blessed to have married Josephine. plus now that we have two adorable boys. two years and three months in living a full life in luxembourg. so many things are yet to happen but we know we will manage because God is with us here. not only in our house but to where ever we are. God is with us. amen

Merciful Father

Last night, I asked Polo about the things that make me upset. I had said the main thing that upsets me before I asked to make sure that he understood. He then said, "when I shout at night or in the morning, when I wake up Nicolo, when I don't pack away my toys, when I throw my toys...." and many more things. I was surprised. I wanted to stop him but I just kept on asking him. He knows. then, I imagine myself an ogre... :( All I wanted to tell him was I get upset when doesn't follow my instruction.

I told him then that being makulit is not a problem. He can be makulit but he only follow instruction and we are cool. I remember a nephew telling me as well that I was so strict!

I want to teach my children to do things properly but at the same time not to rob them of their child like ways. I feel bady today and yet I am not sure what to do. I also want to empower and equip them but not to discourage. To learn how to respect but not to fear people esp the ones with authority. I want to discipline them but not to cripple their self image. And above all, I want them to learn how to love.

I dont know what to do. I am hurt that maybe I am hurting my son's emotional health. I dont know. I know this is all part of parenting and it is surely not easy. How can I separate my own experience as well to their experience but not everything was wrong but how can I check myself.


I want to be a cool dad but to make sure that they are disciplined. I dont know.

Triumphs

August 22 Monday:
Out of the blue, somebody out of the office gave me an affirmation about how I am working. It felt good and made me smile.
After several minutes, an executive of our company congratulated me and my boss for our contribution that led to a great deal for the organization.
Lunch time, we celebrated a partnership that my company has been trying to woo for years and finally has signed.
I received a msg from my brother about his current job and it made me smile because I know it is something that he truly like doing.
Our friends are willing to help us on Thursday w/c was a dilemna for us and now they are God sent.
Lastly, I got home and see my lovely wife and two adorable happy kids.

August 23, Tuesday
there were other good things that had happened but above them all, I met our filipino friend and for the first time I was able to share my/our struggles in Luxembourg (and we spoke in Tagalog) and how for the first time was able to share my faith with somebody else. It was a great blessing.
Oh, I stepped out of the office early because for the fact that we need to get out of the building because of some electrical installation. That was intervention alright. Because if not, I would have stayed a little bit longer and might have missed seeing my friend above. Who would thought?? :)

Praise God!

Oh, it's me!

Too bad I missed so many days and have not written for quite awhile. I went through an xtreme ride and I wasn't able to capture my thought while going through a rough one. Hi and low and around. It felt like I was pushed to the wall so much that my guts were about to come out. Painful, stressfull and awful.

I dont say I am a good writer but writing is one of my ways to cope with stress. And that was a problem in the process of going through a whirlwind, I lost my self in the process. Maybe also it was time to get out of my comfortzones thus I experienced those. I will take it. I felt raw emotions. Fear. Frustrations. Anger. Doubt. Tensions. All ingredients of an internal TNT explosives.

I was trying to reach out for someone. (Good thing I have a wonderful wife). I guess everybody just see the what it seems an "easy" life for us. I beg to differ. We still experience suffering and trials. At the end, nobody responded and maybe 1. they cant believe me that I was really suffering. 2. Do not know how to help me 3. I looked ungrateful considering the life we have now. 4. It was our decision afterall to be away from everybody so deal with it.

Well, what can I say..... I think everything will pass by eventually. Like now, I feel better. It is just in those low points that sometimes I want others to see me also as having a down point.

But ok. In a proper perspective sans emotion, I believed and trusted that God was and is with us. He performed several miracles in my work. I have never been so dependent on Him. I prayed whenever I can. Not for Him to take me out but for me to be able to endure this. He was there alright!

to be continued.....

Manila 2011

Who would thought that I would be back in the Philippines this year? Ah, my Philippines my beloved country but not my home. Home is where your family is... Strange that instead of feeling the nearness of the destination in the plane's flight update, I can only distance apart from my family. How far I am to them and it triggers sadness that I have never felt before. Family.

Really, I have asked God several times why we are in Luxembourg. What he wants me to do and what we have to do. I was thinking that there might be a grand mission or something but all the time the message is just the same. Family. Be the father that I am ought to be. A husband that I am being molded to be and a family member. But most of all the first one, be a father. I needed to worry too much about work or about how we will survive in Luxembourg or what the future we will have. It isn't my concern as God has already promised that we will basically be ok and that He is with us. With that, it means more than the four words but it is simple as that. God is with us. I only have to strive to be the best Christian father to my children. That's all. That's all, Lord? Is it just me? but based on my personal experiences with God's messages, I submit myself to this. I will be a father.

I miss my family so much and I cant imagine that I can love like this. It is so strong. So alive. Praise God and I thank God for letting me feel this way.

Well, the title has nothing to do with the substance. It is just a title to remind me that I am here in Manila and it meant that I am missing my family. My family. My mission in life.

Nothing to write

I didn't like the strategy. It was not thorough. Now, I have to do something about it. I dont like it at all. But, yeah.. take ownership. There can be several issues in a company and you will get to know them. Sometimes, all of them. You may get an idea on how to solve one or two.. then go ahead and give and share your ideas. No issues. It will become an issue if these "resolutions" your primary objectives everyday and you tend to set aside your real job. That's a problem in itself. Trying to solve a problem but you became a problem. Not good. Or sometimes, the issue is bigger than you which would need a lot of consideration, planning and management support then instead of just putting your feet to work... try talking to your boss first and see how they see things. I've learned that sometimes, big bosses know some critical information that make sense for something that doesnt make sense at first glance.

My point is. First, know why you are in that position. Your true real job. That's the priority then support the team especially if you yourself will benefit in the process so at the end you are still doing your job. The dangerous thing to do is to beinvolved in something that is out of your function without the go signal from your line manager. Be Careful. No matter how pationate you are in this virtual project.. it is not the reason why you got hired. Focus.


I still have a lot to learn that's for sure. I understand the language but still I need to know the processes, get information, understand the organization, and see how the leaders are doing it. Have an open mind and allow yourself to teach others as well.

Tomorrow, I will bring Polo to the creche. That's a new activity for me here in Luxembourg. I will send him there and leave him for three hours. Getting him on board a system, which even in the Philippines would apply. So, it is nothing extraordinary. Though, in Manila, I am sure that we ask his Yaya to wait for him until he finishes his class. Here, it is different. Teach them to have their own world and introduced them to other children. So, he will make friends now. Exciting life ahead of you, Polo. Same with Baby Nicolo. :) Go boys! Your parents will support you all the way! we will have disagreements, successes, frustrations, victories, disappointments, happy activities.. everything. We will experience and face everything as a family. :) Go boys!! woohooo!!!!

Swimming in Summer

Today is a new day. I want to go to work at 8am. That's it. I like it and I will get into the habit of going to office that early. No issue. No chance for politics. At least in that aspect. But people who go to work early has that psychological advantage (just my opinion). You are settled early. You feel fresh. You come in first. You can go home early without caring of what others might say because they can not take it against you. So many rather than being in a hurry. Coming in last. Then, at the same time, time seems to run faster when you arrive late. Ok. But I am not late at 9am if we talk about company policy. 9am is acceptable then go home at 6pm. but for me it is late.Thoughe everybody say it is ok to come what ever time you want.. but i know people will start noticing it. I dont like it. So cut it short, I will just go to work early.

That is just my personality. I work through momentum. Sometimes, it takes a while. I mean I am not at my best if I start with my work right away. I need a little bit of momentum so I can tackle the big issues. That's why I dont like back to back mtgs in the morning. It confuses my momentum. Others strive in getting their hands dirty right away, while I need to prepare myself and then I have no issue getting my hands dirty also.


Today, we had lunch in an itallian restaurant. Great food. Quite hot because there is no aircon but the food compensates for that. After eating, we went to Quick for a cup of coffee and to let Polo play in the indoor and outdoor playground. I see myself in Polo sometimes. He wants to play but sometimes he stops himself when he sees other kids playing.He can just sit patiently and wait for the kids to leave. Poor Polo. I dont think he will have a public playground all for himself. He just cant. I wanted to push him. Or even accompany him but I can't. Im not allowed and at the same time, I let him handle this situation. Ok, that's like me. I mean throw me i a crowd and I will not mind if I dont mingle with others. I will not get bored or concious. I cant patiently wait until I am ready or if someone approaches me. But, if there is no intervention, I could probably go home without talking to anyone. Wow. Yeah, I am that and sometimes I can see where Polo got his social behavior though I never told him to be like that. I even sometimes encourage him to play with others. Though, I know that he will get over it. Like me. Also, especially now that he will be in a day care, he will now be exposed to other kids at least and by himself. Good for him. Go Polo! Im excited to meet his first friend in Luxembourg. A friend he made not because of us. Not because, the kid's parents are our friends and they end up being friends. But here, he will meet kids of his age and become buddies.

He is indeed growing up. I can't believe it is so fast. He is now 3 years old and 4 months. Wow! Everybody even thinks he is actually 4 yrs old because of how he talk and his height.

After Quick, we went home just to change clothes and off we went to a nearby indoor swimming pool. What a great location to live! We are blessed. We can run outside, bike, play basketball, football, tennis, etc etc.. and then swimming. We can swim everyday if we want to.

Baby Nicolo is coming to town very soon!!!! :)

Another development sad but also good

The boys are left at home. Naturally, Polo cried seeing his mum leaving without him.But, we've been through it so I didn't panic. A chocolate can soothe anything indeed.Plus ice cream and some chips then a nice funny movie. There, he isn't crying anymore.

Then, we spilled the ice cream, chips and coffee on the carpet... hahahaha.. just minutes after the mommy has been away.. here we are boys. messy messy..

Bad and good with my former team. It was inevitable and it started happening since the day he said yes to the position. He had chances to evolve and develop the needed skills but from our eyes and most of the people around.. he didn't. So, here he is. He had to go. Though, maybe it was also good for him. He is a millionaire so not to much worries financially unless he has huge debts. He can go back to his core competencies and succeed. He can get more money and apply somewhere or maybe he will be offered a position that he can succeed. He should have asked for help. The stress I imagined maybe was too much for him for so many years. So this is kinda good also. Freedom. Not the way he wanted it to end but it should happen. He will be okay. Good for hima and good for the company as well.

As for me, I realize that we really have to continue evolving and learning and be aware of why you have and what other skills you need. Self awareness. Self inventory. Especially if you are assigned a new job or has been promoted for sure there are always room for improvement and learning. Continuous.

6 items in one day

It was stressful but I liked it. It wasn't perfect still I liked it. I was grilled and scutinized. yup, Iliked it. I was challenged and I liked the adrenalin rush perhaps. But I think I will be careful next time on how projects I should present. For me, it was too much that the quality suffered. Though, I felt it was necessary. Well, that will be my life now in Vodafone so I welcome it.

I just changed my car. From the Mercedez Benz B180 to Ford Mondero(?). I was surprised that I felt a little attachment with the Benz. It was the first car I have driven in Europe. The benz I may say. I was already comfortable with it and it has brought us safely to so many places. But, I think it isn't big enough to fit all stuff of my kids. That's the first decision I made for baby Nicolo. To be honest, of course, I would want to drive a Benz vs a Ford. There is a prestige attached to it whether it shared by others or completely just mine but the thought of two strollers, two car seats, lots of bags, plus groceries from time to time made me realized that the benz was really too small. It was like our Honda City and we used it when Polo was born and we brought our clothes to Marikina with that car plus Polo's baby things. It was really really packed.


I dont want that anymore and I want my boys and wife to be comfortable as much as possible. There is a time for struggles, discomfort but if it isn't needed then why force the issue. I am just concerned that I have never driven a car like this ever. The Tucson was a first as well so I can manage.


I cant think of topics that could be interesting to write here. The fact that it is also 12 midnight made it harder. But I think starting to write again whether it has value or none, it still a good start. I want to go back and write and write again.

Ok. Got to go.

Our new life.

Time has passed. Many things have happened. From me struggling but enjoying my early career life in Smart, living and learning a Christian life, being with Josephine and learning to love each other more then deciding to get married, moving up the ladder, a miscarriage, living with in-laws, having Polo, getting promoted, then here we are in Luxembourg and I'm a manager of one if not the biggest Telco group in the world. Wow. indeed. Praise God.

From Marikina to Makati to Paranaque and now to Walferdange Luxembourg. Life is not stopping. Literally. We will have baby Nicolo joining this simple family very very very soon.

Sad. I lost most of my journals in the flood. Now, this blog that I kept for many years is the only one that keeps what I have been through, what I going through and what I will go through. Somehow. My life keeps on moving. I can read it here. C'est ici! I am thankful. so much. to God. He is the reason for everything.

We are blessed. I am blessed. I have Josephine first of all. Then Polo and then Baby Nicolo. I have a wonderful job that can support us and our families in the Philippines and in the USA. I don't mind really. We just need to manage our finances and somehow, we are learning and enjoying it.

I know and accept that it was different when Polo was about to be born. Yeah, we were like doing everything to accept our first child. It is different now with Nicolo. Gone were the crazy preparation. We know already a thing or two about birth and caring for new born. Of course easier to say but actually we are more relaxed. But the circumstance then was different from today. I believe baby nicolo will have a different experience. He will have the full attention of his mother. A great team of doctors. Modern hospital. Free birth. He will receive allowances from the government. Of course, he is the only Agustin to be born in Europe! Wow. Amazing for him. I am excited for him and even Polo for the opportunities that they can have here. I do pray for guidance that we will be able to lead them to the right direction. In God's name, I claim we will.


I seldom write here. I can blame facebook because I usually spend my surfing hours in it and by the time I feel I should write something on my blog, the interest has left me. Maybe also, I don't feel so much stressed and there is nothing to expressed in written form whether to pick my self up, to see things differently, to vent, to just free my self from any negative feelings, to share positive events as well, my thought etc., etc.,

Yes. I feel better and fulfilled that I dont see any reason to complain or any reason to be sad, depressed etc., Probably, it is time to reach out. I am healed and well taken care of, then I need to stretch my self and be of service to others. Not just with our family but even to total strangers.

Everyday, I thank God for his goodness.

Fully Booked

I always find myself going inside a bookstore everytime I'm in mall. Not clothes, watches or accessories or shoes or gadgets but books triggers a strong positive feeling within me. It makes me feel alive and inspired (church of course provokes a more powerful feeling). The downside... It is addicting and I have to control myself from buying books (as if I can really do that). I made a pack that I will not buy it unless I finish what I am currently reading. Right now, I'm reading two books, the success principles and parenting by grace. Good books.

I like to read though I cant claim yet that I am a book worm or even a good reader.

Yes, Lux im still here with Phil.

I never questioned whether I made the right decision or not. I knew and still believe it is. Everything that is happening now is for its fulfillment. It is really just not that easy waiting especially now the Im out of job and financial worries start to creep in. I dont worry if I will have the job or not. Again, it is the waiting that is making me feel crazy.... We've prayed every single step and followed instructions. So, I know we are just doing fine but I never imagined that waiting could this be tormenting. Everything happens for a reason and here I am immersed totally in this moment of unending thinking. What good came out in this stage.

1. 100% Polo. i think this will be the only time of my life I will be able to enjoy every waking moment and doing activities with and for Polo. Having breakfast with him. Playing and watching tv. Having lunch. Bathing him. Being there when he wakes up and calling my name. Singing and dancing. Going out to parks and playgrounds. Talking with him as if he is already a big boy. Of course, receiving his kisses, hugs and most of all hearing him say that he loves me. Seeing him smile, laugh and even cry. Hearing his funny uncomprehensible stories... And so much much more.

Before I resigned, I think this was on top of my mind. To establish that connection with my first son before we embark to the greatest adventure of our your young family life. By default, he is already that close to his mother and Im sure once we are in Luxembourg their relationship will be nourished more. So I still have to secure him of his place in my life and not leave time to tell him how much he means to me. Yes, it will go on wherever we are but I want to start it right, right now. See, somehow I got to know him better. He already has his own personality and I'm happy that he can already say what he wants and whatt doesn't interest him. Simple things but meaningful. He knows when he wants to do things his way or when he needs helps. Im proud of him.

His Yaya just had 3 wks of vacation, which gave me exclusive time to attend to all his needs. How happy I am that I can bring him to the mall without anyone. It is possible and achievable and rewarding! Father and son time. One of my visions before. And when the other kid comes out, I will find time to spend alone with him or her. I will let him/her know special he/she is to me. My two kids and a beautiful, kind, intelligent wife. Blessing indeed.

2. No Helper means I had to do some house duties.

I think my training in helping out during my growing up years helped me to be sensitive and accept the fact that I have to be a part of the working crew. No sweat. Mopping the floor, washing the dishes, ironing (polo's) clothes, cooking, sweeping, waking up for the garbage truck, running errands, etc., I think these are not too much and considering that this duty is just temporary. A humbling experience and funny that sometimes it triggers negative and unwanted emotions, which is still good since I had time to reflect why I was feeling that way.

Jopay's Mom's world revolve around these everyday for so many years already. It ain't easy. Or maybe because I'm not used to it. Maybe. But I've learned to appreciate and respect what she has done. Sometimes we tend to forget their roles that when we get home we expect to get this and that, eat this or that, we justify that we are tired and deserve some relaxing time BUT being at home and actively making sure that everything is clean and we have warm food to eat are not easy man. It is also tiring and stressful at times.

We will be in Europe. A western country where you do things on your own. Rich and poor alike. Unless, you are willing to pay for a price. Asians are accustomed to having helpers around. There is merit but at the same time, it deprives you of some basic lessons and skills. First, if they can do it, why can't we? A chance to teach kids to help in the house and do not grow up feeling privileged or too entitled.

I guess this is a refresher course for me then. Getting ready specially that Josephine is pregnant.

3. No work related stress.

Wow! No revenue to think about. No plans or goals, no customer complaints, no meetings, no bosses, no gossips or politics.... Of course, I will have to deal with these things very soon but for now, I am happy that I do not need to think too corporate. Rest. Simplifying my life. I'm happy too that I have not gained weight so far. I plan to lose at least 10lbs more starting tomorrow. I have been eating oatmeal and I hope I'm getting something good about it because it really taste awful. I've learned not to eat too much and my body isn't craving for anything except coffee. That is an exception. I'm healthy. I do want to be healthy and be with my children physically in their activities. I do not need to be awake early in the morning just to finish a rush report or analysis. I do not need to deal with people I dont like to work with. Just for now, later on, I will be ready with a smile.

4. Time for myself.

I thought I will have control of my time when January came. Our helper took a VL so there you go. I didnt want to be selfish but I just let myself be part of a family. Though, I had tome to read books, reflect and sometimes go out like right now but to be honest I miss my son. I will still choose to be with him. I just needed to do something and also grab this opportunity to spend some time with my wife. A date.

I need to have this time to reflect and plan. i will do just that.


Got to go

scaredy cat

There are so many twists in every turn. Im exhausted mentally and emotionally. Whew! Whew! Whew! In the name of pursuing a dream. You have to bleed and be tormented for awhile. It is quite a challenge and really difficult to manage. The process is long... Very long. Stay positive and keep the faith alive. That's all I can do for now. Fight. Fight. Fight. Yeah, giving up is always a thought that keeps only knocking on my door. But can I, really?

I have trusted God long enough and it will also be the same in this case. I will obey. Yes, Lord I am here. I will follow and simply obey. Go go go. My concerns and worries.. Take it Lord! We are in this together!

2010. A different beginning!

Thank you 2009. It was challenging and we will take everything in it. Except the resentments, regrets, frustrations, failures, pains and everything that we will not need. Goodbye!

It's a new year and literally new for me. For us. For our little family. I will let excitement to slowly get out of the bag to help me battle any negative thoughts or other similar concerns. Be excited!

I wish to know and learn so many things in life. I am excited that I will be outside of my world and the adventures of my life will begin. Same goes with Josephine. We approach the horizon with great anticipation with eyes wide open. We become students of life once again. The whole world is our classroom. No time to define our limits but we are here to let our imagination conquer what our mind can think of.

It will be our first time to be alone as a family. To run a household by ourselves. To look after each other. To create a home and not just a house. A time to let our taste come out. Our personalities will be the main colors of our lives. We can try now and be free entirely of who we want to be and what we want to be. We can shape our future by our decisions. The right ones and even the mistakes we might make. Entirely our own. Independence. Interdependence. The Great Life. And then we still have families spread across different continents. But the best of all, WE HAVE JESUS WITH US WHERE EVER WE WILL GO. That's His promise that will not be broken for generations to come. In Him, we find our strength and courage.

Where will we begin? We start by praising our God and we ask the He will reveal to us His plans for us. Life is truly amazing. I am not afraid and I will move forward. New year. My eyes will open to a tomorrow of a different light. I will smile. I will kiss my wife. I will kiss my son. I will kiss our baby in the womb. I breathe and smile back to the Giver.

cool change. No. Freezing change

Tired. Done with Christmas shopping. I was the designated shopper as Josephine would just like to take it easy. I am not sure which is easier. Driving during Christmas season or shopping!!! Both I believe have the same level of craziness. Imagine. More than an hour had passed while i was inside the chaotic world of greenhills AND I still didnt know what to buy. The longer I stayed the more stressful it was for me. Moral lesson. Let your wife shop and do not complain. She is happy doing it while you can spend time in a coffee shop waiting for her. Shopping is both an art and a science. Especially math!

My work permit is on its way. A visa then off we go. I still can't absorb what is happening. Imagine. I AM NOT WORKING IN SMART anymore. Freaking weird. Sad because I might not be able to see my friends there anymore. Though, thank God FB was created. Precisely for this purpose. I am truly grateful that I spent more than eight years there where multi tasking is practised seriously. Part of the culture. Well, to be honest I can't see myself working more than 10 years in Smart but I never thought that I will not reach ten. Thank you truly. I can say that I have given my best there. I know that I also contributed. It is just the right thing. Work, serve and be paid and received other incentives.

But for a couple of years, my attitude has changed. I felt I wasn't learning anymore. I was looking for something beyond financial satisfaction. I wanted to learn. I knew it is something personal but i felt the struggle. I wasn't getting any inputs anymore while I was still stretched. I sensed that this struggle was starting to affect my values in work. I was fighting but I remained uninspired. To work excellently but unmotivated isn't an ideal scenario. I was there for my staff. I was happy sharing whatever I know about our job but that's about. I hated the fact that we had to endure three hours of meeting every other week, we had so many thing going on and yet a big portion of our activity has no impact in our goal. We were so disorganized! Always engaged in putting out fires instead of cultivating soils for growth. We were like a ship going in circle in a storm because we can not see the lighthouse. It has been like that. I wanted to help and be part of a change. I guess somebody threw an anchor and its weight is too much to bear. (This is just how I see things and I could be wrong.)

I didn't expect to be given a chance to grow more somewhere so I thank God for this miracle. He had to pluck me out immediately because it wasn't healthy for me anymore. I really welcome and embrace this change. A breathe of fresh air. The risk of staying in Smart would be more challenging that what we could be probably encountering in a new environment. Again, I only speak for myself. I wasn't happy anymore and I wasn't growing, A change was needed and change it was. Nope. It was like I just jumped out and made a compulsive decision. We prayed and asked guidance from our love ones. We weigh everything and I guess everything is aligned to our wish as a family. It was God's gift for us that we follow and not because of my dissatisfaction. Because, if somehow we saw that it wasnt for us (through prayers and family's wisdom) then we wouldn't pursue it and we would still be in Smart.

I believe in God. He made all of this possible. So, I will learn to let go of Smart and when I look back I will see it as God's gift for us as well. He was the reason why I accepted to work in Smart after all.

Abe

The food is great. One of the best in town. The service is exceptional as well. The problem is, this place is too crowded. Obviously, they maximized every square inch. I dont like it very much. I cant enjoy the good food without noticing how full this restaurant is. So uncomfortable for a claustrophobic person like me.

Trust in the Lord forever!

This is exactly how it should be right now. I find it more challenging when you are waiting for something that is about to happen. You know, when something is so near but you don’t know when exactly it will happen. I want to see, smell and touch it. But there is this clear glass separating me from what I am waiting for. I want to do something to make it happen faster. Nope. There is really nothing to do but wait. Seated in a corner watching and waiting for things to unfold. From time to time, I do check if it is about to open. Waiting like waiting for your child to be born. It’s the 9th month and you know he is about to come any day soon. You can’t force it though. But patiently wait it to happen.

Then things just become more difficult as negative thoughts start to stir up your emotions. Emotions that will also challenge your mental toughness. You start to verbalize with so many what ifs or what will happen if. Pressure comes in and will try to pull you down but again… pressure can lift you up as well. It would depend where you want to be.

How to combat such negative thoughts? By faith and trust in the Lord and a lot of positive thoughts. This way, you will not give in to any negativity. It is a discipline. You can get such attitude overnight. It takes years to be positive and years of testing as well. BUT trusting in God can happen in an instant. By His grace, it can be done. Positive thoughts need practice and time for you to know if you have it. But to trust in God, you just need to pray and pray and pray and surrender everyday. God will shield you away from the negativity or anything that will try to put you down. Surrender to God.

I am not saying that you will not experience hardship or pains if you are with God. You will. Jesus Himself experienced it. Though, He also showed His full trust. He showed us the way. By doing so, we are saved.

Last night, I just woke up and I noticed immediately that I was having a mild panic attack. I can’t sleep. I was having trouble breathing as if the room is so cluttered. I went out of the room and tried to read a magazine. I still can not sleep so I decided to confront what it was that kept me awake. Obviously, it was my impending last day in SMART. That would December 15, 2009. Dooms day it seemed to me. You know, I will be without work and I have given up so much in terms of security. Basic salary, bonuses, incentives, car, gas allowance, free parking, medical insurance etc., Then God gently reminded me that I wasn’t giving up something for nothing. I just needed to wait for Him and allow Him to finish His plans for us. He also let me see what had transpired for the past months. It was Him who gave us direction and we decided to do things according to His instructions so why should I be worried? It was Him who showed me the different miracles and blessings that had happened while waiting like the “suspected asthma of Polo” which ended like that a suspected diagnosis but it wasn’t. That miracle happened instantly. Also the successful operation of Josephine and the biopsy was negative for any cancer cells. He was there alright.

After recalling these events, I read the reading for today and in the gospel Jesus asked the two blind men, “Do you think I can do this?” as if He was asking me directly if I can trust Him with this plan. I said, “Of course, Lord. You can do it. Nothing is impossible with You. I believe.” Praise God. After that I was able to sleep even though I was already hearing airplanes arriving which meant that it was already past 4am.

Yes, Lord. I put my full trust in You alone. Amen.

Faith to move a mountain

If only you can control everything in your plans. There will always be "unexpected events" to challenge it. Sometimes it can wipe out every single bit of positive energy/outlook you have. This type can be too demoralizing and it will bite your confidence up to the bones. Not for the weak of heart and mind! It will give you restless nights and palpitating days. Then, there are nuances. Still it can ruin your certified gold plans. It is like it is not that important but you still have to consider them in your schedule of things. Some challenges are exciting because it triggers creativity or opens promises, which we all like to have. Among the three, I am definitely sure we all want the third type. But the greatest lesson is buried deep in the first type. It is not just to dig the treasure but you must also cover the holes properly. Otherwise, you might step into it.

As for me, there are several loopholes. But can you exercise faith if you are a "sigurista"? Everything I did here, I try my best to make sure that I'm guided by my true Boss. I pray and pray and read the bible. Yes, I'm fortunate that God is guiding me. I draw my strength from Him. It is like opening a complicated gadget. I am following every word in the guide provided. I don't skip anything. Sometimes there is a tremendous urge to assume some items. I simply ignore the temptation but just to remain patient. If there are 100 steps, I guess I'm already in the 80Th. Whew! It is near and yet I must be patient and not to fall into a trap of discouragement. Difficult level already. I guess I admit that this is the most difficult because I sometimes doubt if I made the right decision. That decision part is step 10 I think. That's too far to let affect step 80. That's the thing. Again, I draw my strength from God.

Stressful emotion is in the highest level right now or nearing the top. I'm confused. I'm supposed to be happy and not feeling afraid. My mind knows that but my heart is thinking more. Tsk tsk tsk... I'm worried. There are what ifs trying to control me. It isn't easy to just set it aside but a change in perspective can help a lot in managing this. First thing first, I must identify what is causing me to feel this way. Fear? Doubt? Loss? Adjustment? Undefined territory?

In the gospel today, a widow gave up her precious possessions. I am sure that before she let go of the two copper coins, she encountered so many questions in her mind, I am sure she also thought of her child and what they will eat. What made her gave up her everything when I'm sure God will understand if she didn't. She obeyed. Jesus saw her and acknowledged that she did the most noble thing . I am sure also that even if she has given up her only possessions, she left the place with a smile on her heart

God just acknowledged my sacrifice and told me to just let go. while, I am trusting Him, I am also like holding too tight and He is telling me to let Him do the wonders. By His grace, I will let go...

December blues

It happened a long time ago. I was still too young to understand but I wasn't spared. It was quick and in a whiff of the wind something within me changed. I can feel its effect until today. I felt so sad. It was strong and it was the first time I felt that way. Sadness suddenly overwhelmed my young mind and heart. The thing is, I was too young to understand. There was no one beside me who helped me understand what I was going through.


I still feel it even today. Like the other day while walking alone in the street. The wind blew and it made me stared at a tree for a few seconds.Viola.. there it was. That feeling! I stopped and inhaled. I felt the little boy in me who experienced sadness for the first time. Even if I got sad, I just smiled and remember the good old days.

I was close to my cousins back then. My world revolved around them even if they were older than me. Kuya Paul, Kuya Noel and Ate Imelda. Yeah, they werent perfect but for a young boy I had no judgement. All I know was that I had fun with them around. Not only them of course. I also had other cousins and so our house was full of laughters, cries, mess and everything. I never felt different.

Then one day they left. I was caught unprepared. I didnt know what happened. But just one day they were packing and then they left for the airport. So they joined their parents in US. BAM!!! I just found myself all alone. I didn't know what I was feeling. I was in our once very noisy room but the whole house was too quiet that day and I can hear my heart beating so slow.

I still had Mamang then and at least as a lola's boy, I was still comforted of her presence and of her voice. But then one day, I dont know what month it was,she too migrated to US. I was left alone. Yes, I was with my family. Back then, I wasn't that too close with them and I still had so many issues. It was devastating.

In 1992, Mariel came into our lives. She was an angel sent from heaven. I was struggling with my studies and with my family when she came. Then there she was. She made me smile once again. It was the first time that a family member made me smile. Somehow her presence touched my heart and brought healing. With so many issues, I always run away and be with my friends to find comfort. Mariel changed it. I felt wanting to be by herside. Always. I got busy. I should've followed the desire of my heart to be with her as much as I could. I was already living away from my family then and I only see her once in a while. I was still spending too much time with my friends. Yes, that strong feeling helped me create time for her. I would picked her up on Saturdays and we be together in Makati just to have fun. We watched movies, read in powerbooks, eat, shop and at the end of the day I felt happy seeing her happy and contented as she would sleep on my shoulder going home. The following day, I would leave and she would say goodbye and she would ask me when will I go home again. It breaks my heart. As I walked away, I knew that she has taken over a portion of my being. She did.

That's why when they left for US in 2003, I was devastated. This couldn't be happening all over again. All these people have left me. I went with them in the airport and that was the last time I saw my sister Mariel. I waved goodbye and I knew then that it will not be easy to see her again. I also knew that I will miss her so much and I will never allow anyone to occupy her position in my life.

Six years have passed. Six long years. I have my own family now. I still respect that feeling my December blues because it reminds me of them. I understand also that many things have changed. Still. I love them. One day, I will see all of them. I hope God will help me visit them next year.

Yes, this year there will be another kind of sadness that will be introduced. This time, it will be us who are going to leave. Family and good friends will be left behind. But this time, I will not be alone. I will be with the two most important people in my life. My wife and my son.

I will see you next year America.