Random Thoughts

It's nearing the end of March 2005. Three months of 2005 have already passed. Looks like 2005 has so many things in store for everybody. So many things are happening. I can say that these first three months have taught me a lot about life and how fast sometimes life can be. At first, I felt being on top of the world after getting married last December 2004 and a welcome news that my wife got pregnant and that finally I was out of former boss' shadows. Then, one fateful night my life crushed so fast that I wasn't able to hang on to anything. It was like falling from a skyscrapper and landing solidly. We lost our first child due to miscarriage. It hurts.

God rescued me, us from this situation. The difficulty we experienced was replaced with love. We saw the outpouring support and concern of our families and friends. I experienced feeling so helpless and yet under the loving arms of God. I knew then that everything will be alright. That we have a little angel in Heaven watching over us.

I realized yesterday that good isn't enough. I mean, we should always strive for excellence. It should be the best that we can be. Like, in the eyes of the world it may not the what they are expecting but you, in your heart and soul you knew that you've tried your darn best then that would be the "best".

Why am I saying this? I feel like living in mediocrity. I am just fine in everything and yet I feel unchallenged. I don't want to drift too far to the point that I will be complacent. I still want to achieve things. Develop new skills. Move up the ladder. etc etc etc... I know I could do it but there is this big gap separating me from these goals to where I am now. I must go up or else If I stay long enough in this state I would not notice being stuck or something.

It would make the skills I already have rusty. Hmmmmm.. I think I must make sure that still use these life skills.

Everytime my mother calls, she always shares their difficulties in US. Not that I am have no concern just that the pressure is sometimes distracting me. Do we really want to be there? Yes, but sometimes the beauty of things are being hidden by fears, pressures, worries.... I just realized she hasn't shared something positive. Especially, on what we are going to there. I don't feel so desperate to the point that I will set aside our goals and plans and yet there is feeling of being trapped. Go there and then what??? Ok. they will get what they want then what? I don't think I dream of diving into suffering when it is not even neccesary. Why have decided to be there?? *uurgh* I don't like this thought. I got to be free...