Time Machine

Time really flies so fast. It is faster now than when my world was revolving around school and our house. Even the problems then were simplier but nope during my wonderyears I thought, My God why have you forsaken me. Little that I know, the problems I sometimes face now are x times more serious than before but I guess Im more equipped now. Thanks to God, really. I don't go around a problem and delay it. I don't fret much (though my human nature still prevails) because I've met God before and I've encountered a lot with God. All of them were victorious. I agree that I don't get what I usually want but God gives me more than that. I receive His love in everything and if He humbles me, I thank God because He allows me to see it and why it has to be.

A few months from now, I/we will step into another level of this life. Yeah, it is totally different from what I have now or what I have seen before. It would be living with another being. A commitment blessed by God. I really do not know what to expect though I prefer to just welcome this new life with open hands and mind. What ever it will offer, I will accept. I haven't been there. A new world maybe. for bot of us.

There are moments when I really just want the world to stand still and stop spinning. Give me a break. Freeze a moment and cherish it. No morning nor evening. Smell the roses, watch the birds, dive in an ocean of living colours, stand and feel the softness of sand under my bare feet, be enveloped with the cold wind,or let the rain fall upon my face. I don't want to move. Let me breathe. Let me dream. Let me see. Let me feel. Just stop. No, I am not tired but sometimes I just want to see the same picture a cloud has to offer. Please don't change it. I want it. Ah yes, the gift of memory. Given to us to store anything we please so that everytime we want to return we only have to close our eyes and see what was once before, smell once again those precious times. No. that's not what I want. I wish people could stop for awhile and just talk to each other, ask each other about life. Forget the hatred, bitterness, failures, but only happiness be spared of the cruelty of this world.

In heaven maybe.

Daily thing

Here comes school. Some have started and others will slowly follow then it's back to normal. I now have to wake up an hour earlier so I wouldn't be caught with the daily traffic grind. traffic traffic traffic. How I hate it. I would really prefer to be relocated near our office. Let may car just rest and walk to my office every morning and in the afternoon to go home. But no no no... I have to go though this stupid traffic. The earlier you go home, the more horrible the traffic is...

So it is final, we will be transferred to a new department. Good. because I really think even before that we should really be part of the group and not some technical people. Also, we will have a direction finally. Bad. well, not really but you know people about changes. there will be adjustment because of new leaders, new people around etc etc.,.. part of life.

tomorrow will be the deliberation for my upgrade. that is something good of course. a welcome news for us. thank God thank God.

about God, Im really sorry Lord. I've been postponing my date with You. I admit it's because of my laziness and the thought that I am not ready to commit. I hear you everyday calling me and I know that deep inside me I want to follow your voice and yet I delay it... tsk tsk tsk..Please grant me the strength, the discipline to follow you Lord. I ask that you Humble me Father. It is only through humility that I can do this. Father, let me come to You. I want to be near you. Help me feel it.

We are going to watch shrek 2 tonight (i really hope so) because Josephine is still in a mtg.

I saw the link of the one beheaded in Iraq. I have no guts to view it though and I don't think I need to see such gruesome killing. It might also cause nightmares. May your soul rest in peace together with God in Heaven, brother.

another disturbing news is that of Sef. How unfotunate and it was really unbelievable that he did it. May the God forgive you and may ask for forgiveness from your family, relatinces and God. I pray for the souls of your family.

Freaky Wednesday

This week is turning out to be a disaster. Not that I have a big problem or I am being pressured or something. Somehow, I realized that Im slowly being pulled down by my boredom. I see myself right now as someone who doesn't care but hey, goodthing I suddenly saw my predicament. Im being drown by mediocrity without knowing it. The challenge now is to get up and be excited about things again. To be more specific with work. Gee...Im unmotivated, uninspired, apathetic..grrrrr. but there is really no fire inside me. I can blame our group's situation of course,there is no clear direction, no plans we are just like floating, in limbo, wonderland.But why should I? I must carry myself well in this kind of situation. It didn't just happen overnight I know. While the people around us have so many projects to handle everyday, I am left with just monitoring activities. Okay now Marvin.

In order for someone to change, one must realize first what has to change. Acknowledge that hey, Im in deep S***. Otherwise, nothing......just nothing will ever happen. What a waste. Opening your eyes and figuring out when to close it again.How boring can you get. I can't see. I can't move.I can't do anything. My mind played tricks on me as if there is nothing wrong but my heart made me feel the coldness, the lack of activities on my part.

I watched Kobe played and really he sucks during the first half of the game. He was just flowing with the game and not really participating. Sure, he was passing the ball, defending but he's role in the team is to shoot. Nope, he tried once but he did because time was running out. Second half came, slowly he picked himself up. Kobe started shooting though he made some mistakes but you could see his struggle and how he wanted to join the team. He did it excellently! 21 points at the end of the game, all in 2nd half.. Wow! hahahahha, Yup, maybe that's life telling me how to do it. Shout to ref and get a technical foul to ignite the fire within. So what stupid thing must I do to this cold body.

Honestly, I really don't get this guy. His becoming a nasty crab everyday. Pushing people away including me. tsk tsk tsk. He used to be liked by all groups but the manner of how he speaks now has earn him a bad reputation and the way it looks, it won't change. Either, he has limited vocabulary or he really doesn't care. That's sucks man.

There is a driver who almost hit us. Stupid. We were already in the middle of the road and he never slowed down and I didn't either. He stop of course and I gave him the stare. Stupid stupid just like the driver I encounter the other day... Ahhhhhhhhhhh..... we have so many fools behind the wheels. Man, you don't own the street. Sometimes, following road courtesy could lead you to accident here because of these fools especially bus drivers!!!


Okay, our Head boldy told us that I am going to be promoted and that we are going to be transferred to a new department. well........got to go.

Rain Rain Rain.........

With the rain comes flooded streets, dirty cars, dirty shoes, wet jeans, jackets, colorful umbrella, hot coffee, sleeping season, opening of schools, traffic traffic traffic everywhere, stranded, cold office, no more beaches or swimming, colds, fever, drizzles, fast winds, calamity, death overflowing of dams, closure of roads, improvised walk ways in flooded streets, pedicabs, stalled vehicles, moonless and starless nighrts, fallen leaves everywhere, thrash, blankets, rising rivers, no work, cancelled classes, children playing in the rain, mud, cookies, hot chocolates,lazy days, lazy weekends..... many many more.

What, Where and How am I doing?

(originally written last Aug, 2002)

But just floating somewhere in the past, present and future.
My feet hardly stand on a solid ground
Why? I am lost in this cycle of change.
One day, all things are concrete then just in a blink, things have changed. One day, I finally reached the final lap. or is it?

Then again a new door has opened
There in that place just behind that door
Something new, something unknown, something different waiting for me. I don't want to come in yet ...........

I have decided to float in between the next level and an end. Looking behind makes me smile but it is fading rather quickly. Those are things of the past and all of them I treasured in my heart. Memories which will serve me right as I start to move my frozen feet.

But I am not yet ready to stand and go on.
I want to stop. If only I can stop the world from spinning too. To simply just stop and be quiet.
I know I must move on but I am tired.

Too tired and yet the world keeps on spinning.
Day and then night and then day again.
It is like I am I the center and all are moving except me.

Sometimes I would like to grasp a moment and let it freeze in time. A moment when time does not exist nor the season that sometimes bring sadness in my heart. I will hold tightly in my palm the gentle wind that blew joyful and happy memories in my face. I love it tough it also makes me feel sad too sometimes.

Stop and wait.
My feet are heavy and the load on my shoulder..... I dropped.
I don't care. Please understand.
See me exist. I will stand soon.
But not just yet.

I am not afraid.
God is with me even in this world,
a corner where I would remain seated.
Until God tells me to let my life choose its own meaning.
For now, I will let myself shed tears in God's shoulders.

Affirmed by Myself

Are you sad?
Don't worry it is ok to be sad.
Are you lonely?
Put a smile on your face, you have a friend in me.
Are you mad?
Tell me all about it, I will listen.
Are you lost?
Look beside you, I am just here.
Are you happy?
I am so glad to hear that from you.

You don't have to hide yourself, show yourself maybe not to the whole world
but your friends are enough.
Trust that you are accepted as you are, the whole you.
From where you have been to what you are going through right at this
moment.

No one will pass judgement on you but will just stay by your side until you
are ready to stand up once more.
Be yourself.

Don't be afraid of the troubles in this world.
Divide it with the number of friends you have and believe that God even took
the biggest portion of the trials then what do you have? Accept the pains
for it teaches compassion. Accept the hardships because it humbles. Accept the
memories and it will help you appreciate life. Accept anger and it will
teach you to forgive.
Let it be.

No need to say anything, ssshhhhhh. Let the tears flow and let the heart
speaks.
Don't be conscious of my presence. I will just allow you to cry. I won't say
anything.
I will not even touch you. You may close your eyes. Acknowledge and feel the
pains you have.
Cry and let go.

When you are ready, you can say what you want Dont worry about me. I will
just listen to you.
Don't condemn yourself while bravely sharing to me your thought just be who
you are and what your emotions are telling you.
I understand. You don't have to rationalize. You do not have to defend the
person or people who brought you pain.
Just be true.

You are important. You are not a bad person. The world will not be the same
with out you. God created the unique you and I can attest to that. He has
breathe life to you and through you. Don't ever think that no one ever looks
at you. I see you and I smile whenever I see you. Don't let life's burden
clouds your perception of yourself because the truth is you are beautifully
and carefully created. I embrace the real person in you. Someone here sees
not only the mask but also the one wearing it. It is time to stop hiding and
just be yourself.
Be free.

Can you smile now? What a blessing that is! I rejoice with you and share
with your happiness. Today, you are are now you eversince you have been
created. You are not changed not someone new. You just became the person you
ought to be without the pretensions, defenses but just simply you. You
deserve to show the world who you are.
You are loved.

Finally, forgive.

nothing to do

when i give my heart
it will be completely
or I'll never give my heart
and the moment
that I feel that
you feel that way too
is when I fall in love with you..............

Part 1. Single no more......very soon.

I've met her but I wasn't paying attention. I was five years older than her and about to graduate while she just started her college life. We shared some stories, hi and hello, talked about the weather. Small stuff friends share to each other. That was who we were then. Just two normal friends, no attachment, no romantic chemistry, nothing deep, no nothing. One day it was time to leave my dear university.

I was at that time committed to someone. My life revolved around my eX, my problems at work, direction in life, struggling Catholic, problems with family but the end of the day it was always about my eX. She was my world.

I received an invitation to work for my beloved alma mater. I accepted and there I was back in the academic community. My relationship with my eX was starting to melt down. We fought almost everyday and I was pained to see how little commitment she has for us. After almost two years, she wanted to end it. I tried my best to hold on. So much tears flowed. Was it real or just a bad dream? It hurt me so much then I felt numb and lost. When I thought that I could still pursue her, she entered a new relationship with another. Double dead. No where to go.I was pulled out of my comfort zone.

My only consolation was that I knew that I could always turn to God. I cried endlessly for God to take away the unbearable pain. I thought about death but God's love was more powerful than anything. I knew He felt my pain and He was there with me every night. Slowly, I begun to see things differently. I started to find my self and have given my self a deadline. Yup, a deadline on how long I would sulk. True enough, I was able to walk again and I even made a promise to my self that I will find ways to forgive my eX and release her. Both emotionally and spiritually. It worked.

That was the point when I noticed her. The woman whom I will exchange vows with this December to love and care for the rest of my life.

Be Silly sometimes.........or most of the time

This NBA-playoff-finals-fever is testing my multi tasking skills...hahahaha. Checking the latest scores, the new articles while doing my work. After the NBA, it would be the PBA finals and then at last it's UAAP once again... That would be the climax of my baskbetall season. Here we go again to ARANETA where you can shout anything against anyone especially to the person beside you who keeps on doing the same thing whenever his/her team made a goal. I, of course, would like to see my team win all the way this year. They fell short but no one dared to predict that our team would even reach the play-off. So, there we were with so many rookies playing against the Blues. Yeah, we lost but somehow I smiled silently when they lost to FEU..: ) Well,a new drama will unfold this season. Will DLSU be the host for this season? answer me please.................
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Yesterday, I spent so much time trying to learn this "blog". It was really, really, really, frustrating especially after visiting some blog sites. I don't have any slightest idea how to improve mine even with all those cheats tag. It looks complicated. Talk about contradictory. Wanting something that I don't have..let me settle down and just put into words all my frustrations instead.
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Half of my life (even more), I was perceived as someone so serious especially during college days. What was odd was that I smiled a lot and made people laugh until they can't laugh anymore. Something was definitely wrong with me.I would sometime talk and talk and talk at how the world was maltreating me. I was also too sensitive for my own good. I was also like this and like that. Good thing and great gifts, I was surrounded by friends who could bite their lips or patiently listen to my rants.

Until one day, I got tired of it. I was analyzing my self too much. Man, that could drain all your cells out of your brain. Maybe that helped me, flushing out parts of my brain. God was a big part of it. He showed how to be silly with myself. Instead of trying so hard to make others laugh I slowly learned to laugh at myself.Oh,yes I can! If ever I have a chance to meet the Marvin before I will laugh at him because he was so serious and it made him so ugly.hahahaha. The greatest lesson for me was to know how to lift all to God and enjoy life.

So, if you chance upon someone here in Makati laughing with noone, that could be me. But don't you dare point that to me because Im sensitive...hahahahaha.just kidding. Be silly and you will live a longer life. You will attract other people too who need some silly therapies. Give them to me, Im Dr. Silly. hahahaha.. corny!

Hey friends, thank you very much for accepting me for who I was and I thank you for who I am today. It wasn't easy for you maybe as it wasn't easy for me too. You are all my greatest gifts from God and I treasure you all.

back to work, Marvin.

Life is what it is

I often catch myself wanting something that I don't have. There's nothing wrong with that but if it paralyzes me then that's a cue that thinking for something more isn't healthy anymore.Beep beep beep beep beep...tic tac tic, im wasting time then.

My first grade teacher guided us on how to solve mathematical problems. She would often pointed to us the following steps 1. Read the problem (statement) carefully. What is it saying? 2.What is it looking for or what the heck is the problem?. 3. Identify what is "given" 4. From what is given analyzed what else you can extract from it 5. Finally, solve the problem. 6. Yup, there is a six. Evaluate your answer and think of how you can make other believe that what you have is the correct way of solving the problem (though, this was the last step I almost forgot to consider in life).

Well,well, well do you have any problems right now? Why don't you try this one. Work on the given. Work on what you have right now and derive what else you can use in order to solve your problem. BUT hey, If I needed my first grade teacher to show it to me, I needed GOD to guide me with my life's problem. Try it, it is free!

Screaming for rest.

It was physically exhausting yesterday. We played basketball again with the kids. 10 years younger than us, I think. Just try to imagine how we tried our damn best to outrun them or outsmart them. We failed big time of course. Before, basketball was to win, now it is more for fitness sake. Most of us were out of shape. We could run maybe up to a minute and then just take a walk on defense. Though, I can say that I think I can run side by side with the kids because I have been exercising for quite sometime already and somehow built my endurance and stamina. My stomach is slowly losing its stubborn fats. Not so easy, Im telling you. It took me 2 years just to have this result and I am not happy yet. More work to come.

Anyway, we played for two hours. After that, I had to wait for my fiancee to finish her work. Good ness, I stayed inside the car for three long hours. She finished at around 2:30am and then I had to bring her to their house. We ate and I left at around 3:30am.

I got home at 4:00am. My brother was about to leave for work. See the picture. I slept and woke up at around 6:30am and now here I am trying to work....so tired.

It is Friday and that helps me relax a bit and I will have three days rest. Election on Monday.

Tonight, even though Im tired I am still looking forward to play badminton and sweat it out again. Here, I can be as competitive as I want. Not as physically demanding as basketball. I want to win here. Wish me well.

my miracle: im fit. i've lost my love handles. Yahoo....I thought before that it was impossible.

Mommy, happy birthday!

Hi there my dear Mother, happy birthday! Allow me to pray for you.

I pray for your well being everyday wherever will you be or what ever you will be doing. May the Lord bless your heart with peace and love and understanding. May He bless your hands that all those you would touch today will be enlightened.

May you find comfort in knowing that your children are doing fine. You have raised four kids and we are blessed with our life today because of you. I lift up all your worries to God that He will take care of them. All of them. I believe in my heart that God is doing something special for you. He will grant your heart's desire.

I pray for good health and that may you be sorrounded by love from the people around you and those who are miles away from you.

May you continue to live life to glorify our one true God. Amen

I miss the Lord

I remember being a student in a not so distant past. I was in love with the Lord then. I remember running after stepping out of our car just to get to the chapel. I mean it. I long for it to come again. Though, I can not say that I have totally forgotten what it is like to be with the Lord. I still do enjoy being with God and communing with Him.

I thank Him. For His patience and guidance because after all these years, I still find myself longing for Him more and more. I surrender and I hope I could do it everyday and every moment of my life.

My First entry

This morning I woke up tired on my first sight. I was lost and not wanting to be found. Just be there in the center or corner or above or below. Nowhere. I disappeared and didn't raise my hand for someone to see. Until I heard my celfone. I chose to be lost. Im sorry........Not for any reason but just leave me alone.

And so I walked silently in our empty house. Nope. You can't see me. hahahaha..but the sudden splash of water changed everything. My senses have come alive.

You are in charge of your life. Not the person beside you, not the boss you feared most, not your parents and most especially not your past. You may choose everything and anything... be free. do what you want in life. Be silly sometimes without explaining yourself. be yourself even if others force you to be someone else. Take courage!