cool change. No. Freezing change

Tired. Done with Christmas shopping. I was the designated shopper as Josephine would just like to take it easy. I am not sure which is easier. Driving during Christmas season or shopping!!! Both I believe have the same level of craziness. Imagine. More than an hour had passed while i was inside the chaotic world of greenhills AND I still didnt know what to buy. The longer I stayed the more stressful it was for me. Moral lesson. Let your wife shop and do not complain. She is happy doing it while you can spend time in a coffee shop waiting for her. Shopping is both an art and a science. Especially math!

My work permit is on its way. A visa then off we go. I still can't absorb what is happening. Imagine. I AM NOT WORKING IN SMART anymore. Freaking weird. Sad because I might not be able to see my friends there anymore. Though, thank God FB was created. Precisely for this purpose. I am truly grateful that I spent more than eight years there where multi tasking is practised seriously. Part of the culture. Well, to be honest I can't see myself working more than 10 years in Smart but I never thought that I will not reach ten. Thank you truly. I can say that I have given my best there. I know that I also contributed. It is just the right thing. Work, serve and be paid and received other incentives.

But for a couple of years, my attitude has changed. I felt I wasn't learning anymore. I was looking for something beyond financial satisfaction. I wanted to learn. I knew it is something personal but i felt the struggle. I wasn't getting any inputs anymore while I was still stretched. I sensed that this struggle was starting to affect my values in work. I was fighting but I remained uninspired. To work excellently but unmotivated isn't an ideal scenario. I was there for my staff. I was happy sharing whatever I know about our job but that's about. I hated the fact that we had to endure three hours of meeting every other week, we had so many thing going on and yet a big portion of our activity has no impact in our goal. We were so disorganized! Always engaged in putting out fires instead of cultivating soils for growth. We were like a ship going in circle in a storm because we can not see the lighthouse. It has been like that. I wanted to help and be part of a change. I guess somebody threw an anchor and its weight is too much to bear. (This is just how I see things and I could be wrong.)

I didn't expect to be given a chance to grow more somewhere so I thank God for this miracle. He had to pluck me out immediately because it wasn't healthy for me anymore. I really welcome and embrace this change. A breathe of fresh air. The risk of staying in Smart would be more challenging that what we could be probably encountering in a new environment. Again, I only speak for myself. I wasn't happy anymore and I wasn't growing, A change was needed and change it was. Nope. It was like I just jumped out and made a compulsive decision. We prayed and asked guidance from our love ones. We weigh everything and I guess everything is aligned to our wish as a family. It was God's gift for us that we follow and not because of my dissatisfaction. Because, if somehow we saw that it wasnt for us (through prayers and family's wisdom) then we wouldn't pursue it and we would still be in Smart.

I believe in God. He made all of this possible. So, I will learn to let go of Smart and when I look back I will see it as God's gift for us as well. He was the reason why I accepted to work in Smart after all.

Abe

The food is great. One of the best in town. The service is exceptional as well. The problem is, this place is too crowded. Obviously, they maximized every square inch. I dont like it very much. I cant enjoy the good food without noticing how full this restaurant is. So uncomfortable for a claustrophobic person like me.

Trust in the Lord forever!

This is exactly how it should be right now. I find it more challenging when you are waiting for something that is about to happen. You know, when something is so near but you don’t know when exactly it will happen. I want to see, smell and touch it. But there is this clear glass separating me from what I am waiting for. I want to do something to make it happen faster. Nope. There is really nothing to do but wait. Seated in a corner watching and waiting for things to unfold. From time to time, I do check if it is about to open. Waiting like waiting for your child to be born. It’s the 9th month and you know he is about to come any day soon. You can’t force it though. But patiently wait it to happen.

Then things just become more difficult as negative thoughts start to stir up your emotions. Emotions that will also challenge your mental toughness. You start to verbalize with so many what ifs or what will happen if. Pressure comes in and will try to pull you down but again… pressure can lift you up as well. It would depend where you want to be.

How to combat such negative thoughts? By faith and trust in the Lord and a lot of positive thoughts. This way, you will not give in to any negativity. It is a discipline. You can get such attitude overnight. It takes years to be positive and years of testing as well. BUT trusting in God can happen in an instant. By His grace, it can be done. Positive thoughts need practice and time for you to know if you have it. But to trust in God, you just need to pray and pray and pray and surrender everyday. God will shield you away from the negativity or anything that will try to put you down. Surrender to God.

I am not saying that you will not experience hardship or pains if you are with God. You will. Jesus Himself experienced it. Though, He also showed His full trust. He showed us the way. By doing so, we are saved.

Last night, I just woke up and I noticed immediately that I was having a mild panic attack. I can’t sleep. I was having trouble breathing as if the room is so cluttered. I went out of the room and tried to read a magazine. I still can not sleep so I decided to confront what it was that kept me awake. Obviously, it was my impending last day in SMART. That would December 15, 2009. Dooms day it seemed to me. You know, I will be without work and I have given up so much in terms of security. Basic salary, bonuses, incentives, car, gas allowance, free parking, medical insurance etc., Then God gently reminded me that I wasn’t giving up something for nothing. I just needed to wait for Him and allow Him to finish His plans for us. He also let me see what had transpired for the past months. It was Him who gave us direction and we decided to do things according to His instructions so why should I be worried? It was Him who showed me the different miracles and blessings that had happened while waiting like the “suspected asthma of Polo” which ended like that a suspected diagnosis but it wasn’t. That miracle happened instantly. Also the successful operation of Josephine and the biopsy was negative for any cancer cells. He was there alright.

After recalling these events, I read the reading for today and in the gospel Jesus asked the two blind men, “Do you think I can do this?” as if He was asking me directly if I can trust Him with this plan. I said, “Of course, Lord. You can do it. Nothing is impossible with You. I believe.” Praise God. After that I was able to sleep even though I was already hearing airplanes arriving which meant that it was already past 4am.

Yes, Lord. I put my full trust in You alone. Amen.

Faith to move a mountain

If only you can control everything in your plans. There will always be "unexpected events" to challenge it. Sometimes it can wipe out every single bit of positive energy/outlook you have. This type can be too demoralizing and it will bite your confidence up to the bones. Not for the weak of heart and mind! It will give you restless nights and palpitating days. Then, there are nuances. Still it can ruin your certified gold plans. It is like it is not that important but you still have to consider them in your schedule of things. Some challenges are exciting because it triggers creativity or opens promises, which we all like to have. Among the three, I am definitely sure we all want the third type. But the greatest lesson is buried deep in the first type. It is not just to dig the treasure but you must also cover the holes properly. Otherwise, you might step into it.

As for me, there are several loopholes. But can you exercise faith if you are a "sigurista"? Everything I did here, I try my best to make sure that I'm guided by my true Boss. I pray and pray and read the bible. Yes, I'm fortunate that God is guiding me. I draw my strength from Him. It is like opening a complicated gadget. I am following every word in the guide provided. I don't skip anything. Sometimes there is a tremendous urge to assume some items. I simply ignore the temptation but just to remain patient. If there are 100 steps, I guess I'm already in the 80Th. Whew! It is near and yet I must be patient and not to fall into a trap of discouragement. Difficult level already. I guess I admit that this is the most difficult because I sometimes doubt if I made the right decision. That decision part is step 10 I think. That's too far to let affect step 80. That's the thing. Again, I draw my strength from God.

Stressful emotion is in the highest level right now or nearing the top. I'm confused. I'm supposed to be happy and not feeling afraid. My mind knows that but my heart is thinking more. Tsk tsk tsk... I'm worried. There are what ifs trying to control me. It isn't easy to just set it aside but a change in perspective can help a lot in managing this. First thing first, I must identify what is causing me to feel this way. Fear? Doubt? Loss? Adjustment? Undefined territory?

In the gospel today, a widow gave up her precious possessions. I am sure that before she let go of the two copper coins, she encountered so many questions in her mind, I am sure she also thought of her child and what they will eat. What made her gave up her everything when I'm sure God will understand if she didn't. She obeyed. Jesus saw her and acknowledged that she did the most noble thing . I am sure also that even if she has given up her only possessions, she left the place with a smile on her heart

God just acknowledged my sacrifice and told me to just let go. while, I am trusting Him, I am also like holding too tight and He is telling me to let Him do the wonders. By His grace, I will let go...

December blues

It happened a long time ago. I was still too young to understand but I wasn't spared. It was quick and in a whiff of the wind something within me changed. I can feel its effect until today. I felt so sad. It was strong and it was the first time I felt that way. Sadness suddenly overwhelmed my young mind and heart. The thing is, I was too young to understand. There was no one beside me who helped me understand what I was going through.


I still feel it even today. Like the other day while walking alone in the street. The wind blew and it made me stared at a tree for a few seconds.Viola.. there it was. That feeling! I stopped and inhaled. I felt the little boy in me who experienced sadness for the first time. Even if I got sad, I just smiled and remember the good old days.

I was close to my cousins back then. My world revolved around them even if they were older than me. Kuya Paul, Kuya Noel and Ate Imelda. Yeah, they werent perfect but for a young boy I had no judgement. All I know was that I had fun with them around. Not only them of course. I also had other cousins and so our house was full of laughters, cries, mess and everything. I never felt different.

Then one day they left. I was caught unprepared. I didnt know what happened. But just one day they were packing and then they left for the airport. So they joined their parents in US. BAM!!! I just found myself all alone. I didn't know what I was feeling. I was in our once very noisy room but the whole house was too quiet that day and I can hear my heart beating so slow.

I still had Mamang then and at least as a lola's boy, I was still comforted of her presence and of her voice. But then one day, I dont know what month it was,she too migrated to US. I was left alone. Yes, I was with my family. Back then, I wasn't that too close with them and I still had so many issues. It was devastating.

In 1992, Mariel came into our lives. She was an angel sent from heaven. I was struggling with my studies and with my family when she came. Then there she was. She made me smile once again. It was the first time that a family member made me smile. Somehow her presence touched my heart and brought healing. With so many issues, I always run away and be with my friends to find comfort. Mariel changed it. I felt wanting to be by herside. Always. I got busy. I should've followed the desire of my heart to be with her as much as I could. I was already living away from my family then and I only see her once in a while. I was still spending too much time with my friends. Yes, that strong feeling helped me create time for her. I would picked her up on Saturdays and we be together in Makati just to have fun. We watched movies, read in powerbooks, eat, shop and at the end of the day I felt happy seeing her happy and contented as she would sleep on my shoulder going home. The following day, I would leave and she would say goodbye and she would ask me when will I go home again. It breaks my heart. As I walked away, I knew that she has taken over a portion of my being. She did.

That's why when they left for US in 2003, I was devastated. This couldn't be happening all over again. All these people have left me. I went with them in the airport and that was the last time I saw my sister Mariel. I waved goodbye and I knew then that it will not be easy to see her again. I also knew that I will miss her so much and I will never allow anyone to occupy her position in my life.

Six years have passed. Six long years. I have my own family now. I still respect that feeling my December blues because it reminds me of them. I understand also that many things have changed. Still. I love them. One day, I will see all of them. I hope God will help me visit them next year.

Yes, this year there will be another kind of sadness that will be introduced. This time, it will be us who are going to leave. Family and good friends will be left behind. But this time, I will not be alone. I will be with the two most important people in my life. My wife and my son.

I will see you next year America.

Latest Scoop in Marvinville Town

How many posts do I have as of now? I think seven. What?!! I blame fb for this since I never had time to visit my blog anymore. The thing is, I am not that comfortable just sharing my thought in there unlike here. Also, only a few knows I have this account.

Because of the flood, I had to throw my journals. :( Years of reflections were washed off. I can only sigh. I thought in the future I will still have the chance to see what I've written. They are permanently gone now. Maybe I do not need to see it anymore. I still have this blog though. Four years old.

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Last year when me and my colleague were in Vienna, he asked me if I can see myself living in Europe. I said yes provided I am with my family. I love Europe. It has something that I can not easily explain. I've been to Europe two times already. I saw Belgium, France, Slovakia and then Vienna. It is formal which suits me. People seem not too friendly but that's only because not everybody you meet will say hello. But really, how can you label them as snobbish or something when you dont know the people or understand them at all. Anyway, I honestly am not that comfortable with people who are too friendly. :) That's why I love Europe. There is this personal space that people will respect. Also, Europe has been Europe for so long. I feel like all the things I want to learn are there and that's what excites me the most. Just one look at a building that has been standing there for so long already creates images in my mind. What has transpired there? How many people have gone through that place? Important events that happened in that building.

I remember preferring to walk going back to my hotel (not all throughout of course but maybe half of it). I didnt care. I like the feel of the cold air against my face. Being too small beside huge historical buildings. Walking along roads made of bricks. I like the smell of the surroundings. Old churches, castles and other monuments made me to stop and be at awe. I like it. When I was in America, I love it as well though I said I only like to spend a vacation but not to actually live there. Unlike in Europe. The first time I stepped and saw Belgium I felt it. I would loved to have a chance to live in Europe. Then to be in Paris and then Vienna just strengthen that longing. I am in love.

We can go to US if we want to since Josephine is an American so there is that big possibility. The thing is, I can not see myself (before and right now but who knows maybe in the future) living in US. But in Europe there is this feeling of just wanting to be there forever. :)

So that last year when my friend asked me if I can live in Europe, it was easy for me to say yes. The only consideration I had is that I would there with my family. That's it.

Fast forward. November 12, 2009. Wow! I am now just waiting for my work permit and my family and I will be moving to Luxembourg. It is near. It is within our grasp. Months ago when I learned that I got accepted, I naturally got excited. Who wouldn't?! Though, I also knew that it would still take several months to process everything so I had to control my excitement since I hate that strong feeling of wanting something but can't get it yet. As I have said, now it is a grasp away. Wow. It is so near and I am starting to get excited. Yes, I love to go there now. Yes, I can't wait. Whew! It can happen next month or maybe in January. All I care about is that our move is closer thant it was in July.

I am so happy and I am aware that there will be hardships, adjustments, maybe confusions and what have you. I have God though. :) So may family and I are confident that we will be ok. It is because God is on our side. I am not afraid because God will go with us. Very exciting indeed. Amen!

Extreme September

September started with a lot of promises and when it begun we knew it would be great month. First week with a friend's wedding then the following another good friend tied the knot. We all went to Boracay which was very memorable becuse it was also the first of many things for our little boy. Being in airport thrilled him especially when he started seeing planes. Riding an airplane. Riding a bus. Riding a boat. Riding a zorb ball and finally his first in Boracay. It was a total bliss seeing everybody happy and relaxing under a hiding sun. It was even first to swim in pool while raining. Then we went home tired but satisfied and refreshed. The first half of September.

The second half. Polo's cough was getting worse every single day. He coughs every morning and we all wake up. We brought him to two pedias who said that it "could be". Hmmmmm, now it seems to me that they based it because of family history and that was their conclusion. Tsk tsk tsk... He didn't have a wheezing cough, which at least could have been a good indicator of asthma, he remains active and didn't just cough when he becomes so active. He is breathing properly. But then the two prescribed anti asthma meds. We followed. We had to wake him up at two and six in the morning. But then his cough didn't subside nor we notice any good effects after the nebulize session. It was tiring even for Polo. He wasn't cooperative at all so his sleep was disturbed everyday. No effect and the doctor suggested to nebulize him more and advised us to be prepared and buy anti asthma apparatus. Then one night his coughing was terrible and different. I was no doctor and we were afraid that it could an asthma attack so we gave him more dosage of nebulize as instructed. That didnt do the trick. His cough worsen. Coughing non stop. I decided to bring him to the ER because we were not equipped to handle asthma attack. Polo was still playful but coughing so it was weird. While driving it seemed ro us that he has trouble breathing because he can't cough. So so so stressful and to hear him say that he wanted to cough was so horrible for us. We really thought he cant breathe anymore. By God's grace, it led us to pray. We did and we asked God for instant miracle and his sickness isn't asthma, that I will drive safely and that the doctors are good natured. So funny that, Polo managed to make fun of his coughing so even he threw up it was for us an answered prayer. The ER doctors said it was asthma but because of the asthma meds, it made his throat so dry and that was the reason why he was coughing. Whew! No asthma. Praise God. He nebulized salinase and his cough stopped. We went home smile.

The third week

Luxembourg countdown

Excited and worried. The clock is ticking and I'm starting to think deeper about our move to Luxembourg. It is going to happen in just a matter of two or three months and our lives as a family will change direction. What am I thinking? We are already comfortable here in Manila and both of us have stable jobs, we have the support of family and friends, familiarity of everything around us, we follow routines that make life easy and we have a community to spiritually guide us. What will happen soon?

We gave these up. It is not like we are desperate. I am sure we can live our lives with these comforts. We will go to a place where we do not know anyone. A very very very far country that in case we wish to go back and make us sane, it wouldnt be that easy. There will be no one to give us encouragement when we are burdened. Even the weather is extremely different from our tropical orientation. And talk about the languages that we need to learn. Three difficult languages french, german and luxemburgish. Or even the culture that we have to embrace and where we would see our son slowly making it his own. Raising a family will solely rest on us. We can not anymore depend on our family to help us. We can only bring what we have learned from them.

I see these but we have not nor will we change our decision. I have no doubt that we are doing the right thing. Not because, we figured it out or we have perfected our plans and details. Only because we are going there with God. He is with us. It is His grace that we have faith in Him.

Are we ready? No. But it will happen whether we are or not. I dont even think that we can even really say that we are ready. I can choose to let the worst thought overwhelm me but I choose to look at God. All the time. Praise be to God for His faithfulness and His love for us.

a little bit

Work is a pressure cooker but do your best not to make you soft! Burst or hang on? I think pressure in work shouldn't kill you because at the end of the day it isn't your end all. For me, it is God first. If there is the pressure cooker, He is the one getting the steam off me. My family second. People can make me smile no matter who cruel my work day ended. To be embraced by a child and by a wife. Hmmmmm.. how refreshing, isn't it? Then my friends. These are the one who can sometimes absorb the pressure of the day. Let you vent out or critize anyone without hearing them judging you. It helps a lot to be able to share to people what you are going through.
Then, you with these I learn how to love my work. :) Sometimes, it acts as a glue to me me closer to God, family and friends. Then again, my work is God's blessings and gifts. It is better to be pressured because of work than be pressured because you dont have one.

Realization in September

I have visited the Dentist five (5) times in a span of one month. I find that strange! Maybe it is about conquering my fears. I have never imagined that I would visit a dentist this much in my entire life. Tap tap tap! Good job Mr. Agustin. To be honest, the sight of a dentist makes me shiver inside. Even a simple procedure like cleaning is already a night mare for me. So, to finally agree to install braces for my teeth, cleaning, adjustment and a pasta for me are accomplishments that deserved to be applauded. Woohooo!


I've been asked by a Doctor to temporarily (at least four (4) weeks) to stop drinking coffee and other drinks and food that could worsen my stomach acidity. Apparently, I was already having a heart burn and all along I thought I just needed muscle relaxant. GERD was the initial diagnoses but she made go to the laboratory for an ECG. Whoa!! What is happening?! Of course, I was concerned. It was my heart that she wanted to check. I obeyed without question and without delay. I had the ECG and that same day I gave her the result of the ECG. Whew! Thank God. The result was normal and so it was GERD. BUT, yeah I still had a cup of coffee a day. Except for this day. My excuse? Excrutiating headache!! hahaahah.. But it is true and it is part of the effect for stopping coffee abruptly. Though, I already started drinking Tea and so far so good. Ok, lets see..



I went to the gym for a year and I've lost 15lbs! from 165lbs down to 150lbs. That's another feather on my cap. When I thought it can't be done, I did it. It wasn't easy. It was difficult and it did push me to the limit. Why? Cardio exercises like treadmill and cycling classes??? That was tough, man. I did though, I just saw my weight going down and it motivated me more. I also naturally had to support it with a disciplined diet. That's the formula. Always. No shortcut. Sweat it out and not to pig out. Eat in moderation though a day of just eating wouldn't hurt provided you know when to stop. I did it. I am happy about it.



We've sent Polo to playschool so he would at least have an idea what it is like being around other children and listening to teachers. It is all worth it. He is responding well and is well liked by his teachers. Next stop would be to enrol him to Kindermusic and French lesson as well.


I didnt obey God last year because I can't actually understand why He wanted me to study French. If only I obeyed. Why? Now, I need to learn French in 120 hours only. hahahaahaaahahaha... Goodluck. Imagine if I studied last year then for sure at least I can understand a little or talk a little of French. Amazing. Isn't it? There are really things that God would ask of you to do but you wouldn't understand the reason at that moment and you just have to obey blindly. This is just a simple example of why we should obey God and there are a lot more examples that I can think of. Some of them are more complicated and too difficult to follow and yet at the end it will always be for the best. That's God's way.

Obviously, God is prepping us for a life changing moment. At least this one, Mr. God is making sure we are prepared. That would be tomorrow or some other time.. :)

my living saint

You have the purest of heart. I have known you for more than a decade already and never have I felt that you are hiding anything from me nor from others. Your intention is always for the welfare of others. Really. Your genuine care for others isn't pretensions nor for any other reason but it just that. You are concern. Sometimes I can’t catch up with you but it doesn’t deter you from serving. You are generous more than you think you are and I see it. Sometimes, I want to give up on people, I want to think for myself ourselves, or get angry at you for giving without limits. Yet, the word of God always struck me and become my basis for your actions. I follow. I know it is God who is moving you.Just weeks ago, we were trying to decide whether to give money or not. Though, I guess I was the only one who was trying to decide since you already have an answer. You didn’t push the issue nor give me a litany of whys... But God spoke directly as he said that we help as much as we could without thinking of what we can get out of it. He has given us enough and we will never have less or more. True. So, I followed. Then God also mentioned about the thorn in the flesh and that made me realize why we have to do be in some situations when sometimes I want to get out of it. I know you know what I mean.Going back to you. You are a good person. very good. I am blessed that you are my wife. I am forever grateful to God that we are together in this life. I am humbled by your heart that is cut for service. I have read about saints or people who are good example of living a Christian life but now, I realized that I have that person beside me. A good wife, mother, daughter and friend. You want to give as much as you can and that is the reason why our life together is blessed as well.Yeah, that's the reason why I let you buy something for yourself. I know that if I say no, you will follow me. I know that if someone ask you to help them, you will give rather buy something for yourself. That's the reason why you keep on asking me if you can buy this or that because you are not used to it. It is easier for you to give than to think for your self. I see that so I give you a chance to have what ever you want as long as we can afford it. You treat it as a gift for you and it has more meaning that way.You are an inspiration to me. I see in you how it should be to be a good family person. That family comes first no matter what. That if there is someone who knocks, we should let the person in and help. You inspire me to be clear with my intention and be sincere. I sometimes read books to be inspired and learn from great men/women who are showing the way. But here you are my dearest wife. I am a witness to these great things. I see you and what you have done and why you are doing it. Definitely, one can only continue to show generosity if one possesses a pure and sincere heart.Thank you for being a light to me and allowing me to see Christ in you.

Two Leaves Falling

I stood there with all the memories rushing to come back
The exact ground where we throw our marbles or bottle caps
The corners where we hid on cloudless but moon lit nights playing hide and seek.


I walked and remembered where we used to run endlessly
Where we sometimes gather and exchange our amazing stories
I can still see the different animals that had been part of our childhood


I sat underneath a tree where we spent our afternoon
The trees that provided us,children food during summer breaks

The trees that witnessed the changes that took place
They silently hold all the memories that maybe one day we will try to recapture

It is all different now.
No more children running.
No more shouting, laughing or even crying.
Just the barking dogs.
Just a couple of trees that remained standing


Sometimes we have been too far and then remember things
The way it had been but there is no turning back
Life is just about remembering and moving forward
It isn't as easy as I realize now


Can I embrace a moment for awhile and cherish it until I am ready to let go?
I guess not. Everything will just eventually move.
There is no standstill. No second chance.
A day is created for a day and tomorrow is already different.


I am witnessing my child growing and only two years have passed since his birth
I am sure in due time I will go back to his first two years and lovingly remember
what is happening now.
Maybe a tear will eventually fall
There is no turning back so today is what I have.
Today is the treasure that I will open in the future.


Today is what I cherish, being with my family
I can not go back nor look back for too long
This is what I have.

Polo- visit my FB for more.. :)

With Kuya Ethan
Diving in stones

Thinking what's next

I think this is cool

I really think so..