December blues

It happened a long time ago. I was still too young to understand but I wasn't spared. It was quick and in a whiff of the wind something within me changed. I can feel its effect until today. I felt so sad. It was strong and it was the first time I felt that way. Sadness suddenly overwhelmed my young mind and heart. The thing is, I was too young to understand. There was no one beside me who helped me understand what I was going through.


I still feel it even today. Like the other day while walking alone in the street. The wind blew and it made me stared at a tree for a few seconds.Viola.. there it was. That feeling! I stopped and inhaled. I felt the little boy in me who experienced sadness for the first time. Even if I got sad, I just smiled and remember the good old days.

I was close to my cousins back then. My world revolved around them even if they were older than me. Kuya Paul, Kuya Noel and Ate Imelda. Yeah, they werent perfect but for a young boy I had no judgement. All I know was that I had fun with them around. Not only them of course. I also had other cousins and so our house was full of laughters, cries, mess and everything. I never felt different.

Then one day they left. I was caught unprepared. I didnt know what happened. But just one day they were packing and then they left for the airport. So they joined their parents in US. BAM!!! I just found myself all alone. I didn't know what I was feeling. I was in our once very noisy room but the whole house was too quiet that day and I can hear my heart beating so slow.

I still had Mamang then and at least as a lola's boy, I was still comforted of her presence and of her voice. But then one day, I dont know what month it was,she too migrated to US. I was left alone. Yes, I was with my family. Back then, I wasn't that too close with them and I still had so many issues. It was devastating.

In 1992, Mariel came into our lives. She was an angel sent from heaven. I was struggling with my studies and with my family when she came. Then there she was. She made me smile once again. It was the first time that a family member made me smile. Somehow her presence touched my heart and brought healing. With so many issues, I always run away and be with my friends to find comfort. Mariel changed it. I felt wanting to be by herside. Always. I got busy. I should've followed the desire of my heart to be with her as much as I could. I was already living away from my family then and I only see her once in a while. I was still spending too much time with my friends. Yes, that strong feeling helped me create time for her. I would picked her up on Saturdays and we be together in Makati just to have fun. We watched movies, read in powerbooks, eat, shop and at the end of the day I felt happy seeing her happy and contented as she would sleep on my shoulder going home. The following day, I would leave and she would say goodbye and she would ask me when will I go home again. It breaks my heart. As I walked away, I knew that she has taken over a portion of my being. She did.

That's why when they left for US in 2003, I was devastated. This couldn't be happening all over again. All these people have left me. I went with them in the airport and that was the last time I saw my sister Mariel. I waved goodbye and I knew then that it will not be easy to see her again. I also knew that I will miss her so much and I will never allow anyone to occupy her position in my life.

Six years have passed. Six long years. I have my own family now. I still respect that feeling my December blues because it reminds me of them. I understand also that many things have changed. Still. I love them. One day, I will see all of them. I hope God will help me visit them next year.

Yes, this year there will be another kind of sadness that will be introduced. This time, it will be us who are going to leave. Family and good friends will be left behind. But this time, I will not be alone. I will be with the two most important people in my life. My wife and my son.

I will see you next year America.