Seven days after

We were so busy that we didn’t enjoy the passing of our birthdays. Josephine was busier than I am of course. Last Sunday, we had a quiet simple dinner with the family and maybe that was enough. There was nothing that had happened in my birthday that is worth remembering. Maybe that was it. I admit that I got so tired that I wasn’t really expecting or even planned anything. Come what may.  Saturday evening we went to The Spa. That was something different and expensive too. I needed that massage and I can say it was better than the previous ones we had.

Going back to being 31 years old. One is always good, huh. It signifies a start of something. It is refreshing. Hmmmmm… where was I ten years ago? Why, still studying and about to graduate. I met Josephine ten years ago though there was no immediate attraction. It was just casual. I guess we started slowly because after awhile we started talking to each other and became friends and then good friends and then more than friends and then a couple and months from now as husband and wife. Ok, back to where I am again. This year I will be married. See, a start again. We were transferred to a totally new group and boss. It is good that it feels like that I mean a start of something new. I know my self very well that sometimes I just want to end something and start something new again. Like if it is somewhere in November I would wish that it would be a January soon. It has always been like that. I always tend to look forward to a new start a chance to break free an old root and be reborn and fly away somewhere different. An insatiable thirst to open a new chapter. The nearer it gets that harder to avoid focusing on it. (We also have a new term for our President). The waiting sometimes is killing me. There is this feeling of restlessness because I sometimes am paralyzed by my own doing. Waiting waiting but eventually it will come. Whether you wait or not, you become impatient or not, avoid it or not it will come in its own time.

Maybe I have to do something in my job, like changing it. Hahahahaha. Just to be consistent with myself. Right now, I don’t have a specific plan for my career. That part is what I do not like. For the past three years, it seemed that I was not able to focus on my career. First, was because of my car, last year was because of my car and my sister who was hospitalized and then this year I am more focus with our wedding preparation. There is a little bit of guilt in me because of this. I know I know my job shouldn’t be compromised but must be given proper attention also. I’m not saying through I’m being complacent but still I feel I could do more. Booh booh me. There will be better days.

It will be August next week, a new month another beginning of something.. : ) Good. Good. I will maybe start on something. Yeah, I just need to anchor on something and it will let me focus and stay in one place and be able to do properly. Aaaaaaaarggghhhhh….maybe it is because I don’t have enough motivation or not enough challenge and I am not push to the limit. Wait, about August. I wish it would end soon. Hahahahaha… it will be the feast of Assumption, we will attend the caravan and we scheduled our first wedding seminar. Still not enough activity for me. Hmmmmm… before this week ends, I will jot down what I want to do this August which would include my work.

Im still the same person that I am seven days ago. Still funny. Sometimes I want to spend a day without smiling or making others laugh or letting them feel good inside. I feel vulnerable at times because I talk too much for my own good. That’s according to me. Or I am afraid that people might not take me seriously. Hey, what else would I want to attain that’s a problem. I should ask God for help. Otherwise, I might be happy outside but deep inside I would feel hollow and without meaning. I don’t want that to happen.

I’ve started taking multivitamins with Iron, STRESSTABS!!! I’m curios to find out its effect but I am also concerned that it would make me fat. Lets see what will happen after a month of observation. I do lack sleep and Im sure my iron level is insufficient. I play basketball and badminton. That would surely burn my excess fats. I’ve cut down my carbo intake. I also have reduced significantly the bottle of softdrink I take. But for coffee. I am so sorry I can’t stop it! I still love drinking coffee. However, I am now eating my breakfast regularly. Who wouldn’t???? After being hospitalized for ulcer, whoa I do not want to have that pain anymore. Too painful.

My last day as a 30 year old

 
Yes. 30 years of living. I've been here in this planet for 30 years. Is it an end or a start of something special for me? I do not know but I will place my bet on the special side.  Right now, I am so tired that I can't even focus on the fact that it is my bday tomorrow.  Hey, Im fit and it brings happiness deep inside.  Three years ago when I decided to lose some pounds I thought then that it would be impossible to be fit. I was on the borderline from being overweight to being obese. When I realized that I was out of shape, i never imagined how I allowed my self to be out of shape. Denial. Thank goodness Im now in my ideal weight but of course I still plan to lose 5 to 10 pounds more. The gym helped me control weight and at the same time helped me to increase my metabolism. Just a few more weeks or months I suppose and I will be ok already.

Hmmm so let's see where I am as a 30 year old guy.

1. I have a stable job that pays well (though I wish I could earn more..: ) ).
2. This is the job that I want
3. I have a car
4. I have  little savings but it has a potential to grow through the years
5. I have a cell phone
6. I have many shoes and clothes
7. I have credit cards
hahahahahaha.....I am being materialistic here
8. I belong to a Catholic Community
9. I have a very beautiful fiancee
10. My relationship with my family has improved a lot
11. I was able to go to Paris and Belgium for free
12. I am 150lbs
13. I can still play basketball and now badminton
14. I have friends all around the world
15. I have very good friends here in my country
16. We now belong to a different department and this set-up is better
17. I am college graduate
18. I never have committed any crime
19. I am more confident as a person
20. I know God loves me more than I love Him. Faithfully.

that's about it for the mean time.

 

 

 

Time to move on

Stop looking back.
The longer you stare at the unchangeable yesterday
The more you will stay where you are
No movement except that time will leave you behind
Years will pass by but your mind is stuck.
To a time that has long been gone.
Pitiful!

If looking back makes you sad and regretful
Stop. Say farewell. Act and forgive your yesterday.
Stop whining and blaming others.
Don't allow it to control you every single day.
Day after day it will just be heavier and heavier.
Think of how many years you've been carrying this
baggage.
Stand up!

It is not worth it. You are alive.
A full life ahead to enjoy and it is all yours.
Just decide today that's all you need to do.
Don't plan to change anything from your past.
You can't but you can dictate your future by
accepting the past.
Look ahead!

Go and try a small step.Wake up and move your feet.
Day by day you will understand why people can smile
You are free now. The chains that bind you has been
broken.
The curtains on your eyes has been removed.
Realize it.

Aha! Now, see it is not that difficult afterall.
Get used to being happy. Don't take life too
seriously.
Smile your cares away. You are the greatest of all
God's creation.
You are a son/daughter of God.
A God who is victorious and all mighty.
Believe it!

He has prepared something special for you and me.
That's where we will all go. To God's Kingdom.
That's our destiny regardless where we came from.
So, what are you waiting for?
Move....

What, Where and How am I doing?

But just floating somewhere in the past, present and future.
My feet hardly stand on a solid ground
Why? I am lost in this cycle of changes.
One day, all things are concrete then just in a blink, things have changed. One day, I finally reached the final lap. or is it?

Then again a new door has opened
There in that place just behind that door
Something new, something unknown, something different waiting for me. I don't want to come in yet ...........

I have decided to float in between the next level and an end. Looking behind makes me smile but it is fading rather quickly. Those are things of the past and all of them I treasured in my heart. Memories which will serve me right as I start to move my frozen feet.

But I am not yet ready to stand and go on.
I want to stop. If only I can stop the world from spinning too. To simply just stop and be quiet.
I know I must move on but I am tired.

Too tired and yet the world keeps on spinning.
Day and then night and then day again.
It is like I am in the center and all are moving except me.

Sometimes I would like to grasp a moment and let it freeze in time. A moment when time does not exist nor the season that sometimes bring sadness in my heart. I will hold tightly in my palm the gentle wind that blew joyful and happy memories in my face. I love it tough it also makes me feel sad too sometimes.

Stop and wait.
My feet are heavy and the load on my shoulder..... I dropped.
I don't care. Please understand.
See me exist. I will stand soon.
But not just yet.

I am not afraid.
God is with me even in this world,
a corner where I would remain seated.
Until God tells me to let my life choose its own meaning.
For now, I will let myself shed tears in God's shoulders.

Silent Awakening

Silent Awakening

I remember the sleepless nights
not knowing where to go, not caring for tomorrow
I remember crying myself to sleep
only to wake up crying once more
I remember being so afraid, so uncertain
sitting on a corner of the room with no one but fears in my heart
I remember the betrayal and the hurt
hopeless, desperate just me and my troubles
I remember how depression took control of my only "self"
anger , bitterness mixed with intensity
I remember the dark nights and gloomy mornings
painful silence covered my life
I remember staring the ceiling for hours
wishing to end it all. a sudden end. I was tired and spent. I remember........ ending it all that night
Listening to myself I was defeated, shamed and humbled.
Listening to myself I didn't want to go on.
Not the sun of a new day can brighten my life
Not even a smile of a child
My life stood still.Halted. Time seemed unimportant
Life was just plain breathing in and out.
Closing my eyes every night only to open it with sadness
The spirit was dead just the body moved on.
I never questioned or threw it to someone. It was just like that. Life. Then one day it was over.
Today, I remember this chapter of my story with great respect. I respect the person going through the moment of agony and constant sorrow. I respect what it was like being defeated and humbled.
I can see clearly now. It wasn't really a tragedy but a life in metamorphosis.
A change needed and it happened within. There, I had something new as if I earned a pair of wings. I will not forget my past for it was there that God showed me how much He loves me.
Touch of God in all things seen and unseen. He held me tight though I struggled to be set free. He didn't let go. I saw how He sent all His angels to comfort and cheer me when I can not endure the pain any longer.
Yes, I remember. The moment when I wanted to die God gave me my life.
I remember and never will I forget. God loves me.
p.s. He loves you too.