The Child in Me

I looked back and there was nothing. Just the wind sweeping dusty ground. Dead leaves flying. Other than that, it was silent and eerie. Nothing. Dark clouds loom in the horizon, a heavy downpour is about to wash away all that remain here. What's going on? It couldn't be like this! Deprived of nourishment for years. Taken for granted that there was a precious life waiting to scream out of this place. In spite of this, faith and hope persevered and made it live.................

If I look back at my life, to the earliest memory I can recall. I can see a happy child with his grandmother and cousins. Pampered. Playful. Contented. Then I remember my parents coming to the picture and everything went blank.

I do not have any (not even one until now) good memories being with either of them when I was still a child. Especially one on one moments.

Last Sunday, I saw a boy being carried by his father. He must be around five or six years old. Sometimes his mother would fix his hair and kiss him on his cheeks and the boy would just rest his head on his father's shoulder.

What must his feeling be? What was he thinking right there and then? Does he know the significance of his parents gesture? I'm sure that he doesn't think so much about it. Though emotionally he is getting his moemnt of nourishment. I smiled knowing that this young boy will grow up to be a good person. That's what I prayed for in the moment.

Me, I have no idea. Believe me or not, the real embrace that I received when I felt whole and not awkward was when my wife gave me a brotherly embrace when were still in college. I wasn't envious of that boy. I was just forced back to my childhood years and I felt.....

Sad.

Simple as that. I had no anger towards my parents because I have forgiven them a few years ago. I wasn't asking any "Whys" anymore because I know it wouldn't change a thing. I'm just sad that I don't have any memory of them in my past except the harsh words I got from them especially from my mom. The feeling of being unwanted. Hearing unconstructive criticism that I refused to accept. I said that to myself when I was in highschool. My peers respected me and I hear good compliments from these people. So again, I refused to believe what my mom has said of who she think I was. This started my rebellious years which lasted for more than a decade.

I didn't believe them and the more I got hurt the more I didn't accept their words. I did my best to protect myself from harm. I wasn't that successful of course since my hatred lasted so many years and it really separated me from my family.

One day (through my wife) God instructed me to go back to my family. What?? Prior to that I prayed for their conversion, and this was how God answered me? It was so hard to swallow my pride. Why me? I followed and really I thank God for His grace that made me followed Him.

Anyway, I was still feeling sad because I can no longer go back and create new memories of my past so I was stuck with "nothing" and painful memories which I have surrendered already.

Imagine, I felt like that and it was an opportunity for God to tell me how much He loves me. It was during the prayer meeting when He assured me of His love. The message for me was " So whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come" 2 Corinthians 5:17.

The prayer even prayed for God to heal our painful past and that all these things be replaced by His image. Whoa!!!. Remember what I said in my previous about Jesus being my light in a dark cave? That I remember Jesus in my past. I may not have memories of my parents in my past but I do have so many memories of Jesus in my past. When I first attended a school wide day of prayer when I elementary, when my grandmother taught us how to recite a rosary, when I was assigned to lead the rosary (Highschool) and my classmates laughed because I didn't know how but my teacher intervened and was proud of me for being brave.

Jesus was with me when I felt really hurt that I could not even understand why so I left the house one afternoon when I had no one to talk to and felt so lonely. I got my bike and went to a secluded place where it was just me and the trees and clouds surrounded me. Jesus was there alright, comforting me.

When I went to a hill all by myself. Didn't bring any friends or anyone. The hill was all mine. I remember being happy. I wasn't exactly alone. Jesus was there.

All through out my college days. I struggled in schools because of my whirlwind emotion. Looking for something to make it calm. Jesus calmed me. I was really about to lose myself because of all the forces in all direction that seemed to be against me. God protected me.

Until now, I see Jesus working in me. He isn't finished yet. I am amazed on how faithful He is to me. He is the most faithful I have encountered in my life given that He doesn't back out even if I become stray away. He wants to do something and He will do it. He is my Father who takes care of me.

Right now, He has promised me something. It's a surprise so I am not sure what it is but He says that it will be revealed by July or August. Very soon. God really is cool. :)

Once I receive this special gift, I will share it hear.

God bless to us all!