Love visited me last night

Polo's cry woke me up. It wasn't that loud but he was already asking that his diapers be changed and he wanted to drink milk. I changed his diaper and carried him for awhile then gave him to Josephine so he can have his milk.

That was 1:30am. I tried going back to sleep but my mind started thinking about my life. While I thought it would lead me to wonderland after a few minutes, I was but went to my past only to find myself under the blanket of memories. I started five years ago, where I was what was happening around me. I thought having a car was the highlight of that year. An accomplishment considering that I never thought that I would be able to do so. BUT no, I didn't consider my car as the greatest event that year. It was saying goodbye to my mother and sister as they left for US. Wow, that was five years ago and Mariel is now all grown up. Then I went back 10 years ago hmmmmmm... there were a lot of things happened but I want to go back 15 years ago.

1992. The year of great humiliation as I was forced to look down at myself. Shoulders were down, head too heavy and embarass to lift. My world was crushed as I experienced the big trial in my academic life as a student. It was so great that for months I cried by myself endlessly. Self esteem, self worth, pride, hope...eveyrthing left me that year.

That was a year though of surrender not to the world but to God. I have given up hope but then faith found me as I allowed God to live in me.

August 25, 1992. Mariel was born. She was a blessing to us all but it is more special for me. I don't know. She was God's gift to me, an assurance that everything will be ok. Suddenly, I wasn't the daily subject of our existence. Mariel became the center of everything as she reunited everyone and healed a lot of aches and hurts. It was like she opened a new door to all of us.
People started smiling when it was gloomy and a lot of anger lingering around us prior to her birth. She changed everything. There, she was our angel. My angel.

I still think of you, Mariel. I have not forgoten you eversince the day you left. How can I? I can't and I will not. You will always have a special place in my heart. Even I am surprised sometimes that I still feel this way towards you. How I wished that you didn't leave. That would be self fish for I know even then that it would be harder for parents to leave all of their children. We can take care of ourselves but they must have you. I support Daddy's decision to leave and bear no negative feeling or what so ever. I only know that I miss you. Do you know that when I bade goodbye to you in the airport, I cried by self in the bus? I did. Even if there were people around me. I didn't care. The tears flowed and I can't stop it. You were gone.

I will not grow tired thinking of our dates. Just you and I. We didnt have a car then but it wasn't a problem. Your eyes becoming big out of excitement on Saturday morning as we were about to leave. For you, it was a very big day and I felt so happy seeing you like that. We walked and talked and planned of the day's activities. I found it funny that you were choosing to board a non-aircon bus than the convenient and comfortable FX. Mommy's influence. Inside the taxi, you automatically would fall asleep. As soon as you opened your eyes in cubao, your sleepy head would change as if we were going to something magical. The MRT was a treat for you. You loved riding it and then Makati. Hop hop hop.. run run run.. The two of us. (Today, we can go straight from the MRT to Glorieta without ever using the unfriendly stairs of MRT).

Timezone was a hit for you. Sometime the adult in me would interfere on what you were suppose to play and the games which I thought were too complicated for you. What the heck, it was your day and you can play anything and everything you wanted. I've lost you in Timezone as you sprint from one game to another. Wow, you were so happy Mariel to look at. I was happy too. If the credit runs out, you wouldn't insist on having more. You were contented. I was amazed that I didn't need to pull you out. You knew when to stop. ( I guess you still have that attitude/discipline until now.) Then we would have our lunch at any place you wanted. You ate like a lion. hahahahahahaha....

Of we go to Powerbooks which was a few blocks away from Glorieta (today, it is inside Glorieta already). You didn't know about that at first so you were awestruck to see hundreds of children books. Taking care of you was easy because you would just sit there and read books. Sometimes, we would buy something if budget permits but again you never insisted on buying something. I would just be happy watching you sitting there and reading and getting yourself confused on what to read next.

Time for a Merienda. Mc Donalds or Jollibee. Hahahaahahaha... as if you didnt get hearty lunch. You would devour what ever was ordered. Imagine, I didn't pay attention to the people around us. For me, it was your day and my eyes and mind were just focused on you and no one else.

Then we go home, as much as you would like to tell stories your tired body betrayed you. But I was sure that you shared everything to Mommy and Daddy. The following day, I would say goodbye and you would ask me when I will be back home (I was already living in an apartment). *Sigh* Even at this time, you were already breaking my heart. It was hard to say goodbye to you.

Mariel, we do not know when we will see each other again. I'm sure that day will come. Someday. I just want you to know that I love you and time will not outgrow it but rather it will be nourished. A friend of mine, Yvonne (you also know her) once promised me that neither time nor distance can separate friends. It is true, she is there and I still consider her as one of my truest friends. You will always remain a dear sister to me. I can not wait but to hug you once again. I am sure it is now all awkward for you but for me it is not. Even, if I have my own family now, your place inside my heart isnt replaced. You are still here within me my dear sister. I know that as day passes by so does our time together. I still long to see you everyday. I thanked God that there is YM as at least we could catch up.

I will be your brother no matter what and remember that in your heart as well. Maybe five years have already created a huge hole but love will always bind us together. No one has ever filled the emptiness since the day you left except God. I don't mind feeling this way. All I know and I understood that I have learned to love you and so I let it be. Take care of yourself and I do wish you well that you may grow and reach your dreams.

Yeah, I am still emotional until now. When I opened my eyes I saw Polo and Josephine. I embraced them for I know that love has just visited me last night.