What, Where and How am I doing?

(originally written last Aug, 2002)

But just floating somewhere in the past, present and future.
My feet hardly stand on a solid ground
Why? I am lost in this cycle of change.
One day, all things are concrete then just in a blink, things have changed. One day, I finally reached the final lap. or is it?

Then again a new door has opened
There in that place just behind that door
Something new, something unknown, something different waiting for me. I don't want to come in yet ...........

I have decided to float in between the next level and an end. Looking behind makes me smile but it is fading rather quickly. Those are things of the past and all of them I treasured in my heart. Memories which will serve me right as I start to move my frozen feet.

But I am not yet ready to stand and go on.
I want to stop. If only I can stop the world from spinning too. To simply just stop and be quiet.
I know I must move on but I am tired.

Too tired and yet the world keeps on spinning.
Day and then night and then day again.
It is like I am I the center and all are moving except me.

Sometimes I would like to grasp a moment and let it freeze in time. A moment when time does not exist nor the season that sometimes bring sadness in my heart. I will hold tightly in my palm the gentle wind that blew joyful and happy memories in my face. I love it tough it also makes me feel sad too sometimes.

Stop and wait.
My feet are heavy and the load on my shoulder..... I dropped.
I don't care. Please understand.
See me exist. I will stand soon.
But not just yet.

I am not afraid.
God is with me even in this world,
a corner where I would remain seated.
Until God tells me to let my life choose its own meaning.
For now, I will let myself shed tears in God's shoulders.