One Fine Tuesday in October

October 24, 2006

Josephine made sure that I spend this day with her as she declared it with authority that I am not available to play badminton. She said that I was hers. No one opposed of course. As for me, I found it sweet and I was happy to spend it with her.

at 9:30am. Check Up

We went to Primecare in SM Bicutan so she could have her Fasting, Blood Sugar (FBS) check up. The clinic almost didn't accept her anymore the other attending nurse accommodated her. Good! After two (2) minutes it was over! The result was given the next day.

at 10.00am. Breakfast and Tour

The mall except the clinic was still close. So, we waited for the stores to open and decided to have our breakfast at Pancake House. I had classic pancakes and brewed coffee and Josephine ordered for blueberry pancakes and a cup of decaf (her last one until she gives birth). After that, we just strolled around SM department store and our feet lead us to the baby section. :) The first time we canvassed for our baby's goods like strollers, cribs, car seats etc., hmmmmmm.. it got me excited. I loved the feeling. We bought children's books. The first baby book of our baby which could end maybe in the trash can. :) I swear, I will not buy shortened stories anymore. We will buy a new set even if it will turn more expensive.

at 11:00am. Shower Time

We had a scheduled lunch with our friends, Tina and Arland. Tina is leaving and we just decided to have a simple get together before she leaves and spend 2 1/2 months in UK. Anyway, we went home first from SM Bicutan because we have not taken a shower yet. hahahahahahaha.

at 1:00pm. Lunch

D'marks Pizza.That's where we had our lunch with Tina, Arland and Tes. Nothing especial with the pizza. Good thing my appetite was there yet so I didn't mind what we ordered.

at 2:00pm. Malling

We bought cinema tickets, The Departed. We had to wait for 3 more hours to watch the movie. Enough time to mall around. First stop. Music One. Bought our first Christmas CD. Second stop. Nike Store for women. Left the store empty handed. Third Stop. Powerbooks. We looked into baby names and its meaning and then just read until we had to go to the cinema.

at 5:00pm The Departed

Good movie. Entertaining, violent but light, all stars cast, a lot of actions and suspense.

at 8.00pm. The Departure. hahahahaha

We listened to our Christmas CD in the car and went home safely. We had our dinner as soon as we arrived and then slept.

Whew! Maybe the greatest day this week. That would be our pre-get away activity. Two days more and then off we go for our much deserved rest and time together. alone.

Just something I realized along the way

1. Approach everything with love and understanding
sometimes Jospehine and I would argue over something. petty or sometimes big ones. it donesn't matter. we've somehow managed to go beyond the arguement. there are times that one's ego will sneak out and show its face. that's where self understanding should be used. if the arguement countinues out of ego then it will not end. i stepped on the break. getting angry at each other is not worth it. sometimes though, we continue to argue but let it be. as much as possible it shouldn't be taken personally. "if no one gives in then maybe no one should". i mean, we are still two different people and we allow each other to think differently. we shouldn't change each other. Yes, we would share the same values, beliefs, perspectives etc but not all the time. "we are still two unique individuals who entered into a commitment into a lifelong getting to know other and no matter what we discover about each other, our commitment stays".

2. Affirm your love to one another
it is important to know it and believe it by heart even if it isn't verbally communicated or expressed. but it still feels good to hear "i love you" from one another. isn't it? Especially in moments of great struggle or plainly being low on juice emotionally when you just sigh the whole day, not in the mood to talk, so many things to think and do and then your spouse will just tap your shoulder, or receive a warm embrace and whisper in your ears, "i love you". wow! how it helps to put things in proper perspective knowing that in this sometimes cruel world someone beside you love you truly.

3. Learn to celebrate each other's victories. small or big.
what are victories? anything that your spouse has given his/her time and effort with. it could be something that could be finished in a minute or big ones that require plenty of time. it could also be for you or for somebody else (work, friends, her/himself, community etc). Support, remind and then celebrate later on. the important thing is that you show you are happy with your spouse's accomplishment.

4. Surround yourself with good people.
it depends of course how you define your "good people". my good people might not be the good people the others have. it depends a lot on how the two of you define it. the point is, there should be enough people around you to support and your relationship and the same time be of service to them as well. have friends and nourish this relationship. if there are times when the two of you feel like the world is against you then here are people who will be willing to share the weight of the world.

5. Get away and have spend time alone, together.
even if you have a house of your own. it is a good idea to get of the routine and go somewhere else and plan out some surprises a long the way. inhale new air, bathe in a different water, walk along in the sand together hand in hand, wake up to see the sunrise and spend quiet time together as you watch the sun set. i think it is really important to create this "common experience"that both of you made together. it something to look back for. create, "create create good memories and fill up your life album".

Last pages of a chapter

The Nearness of You

It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me,
oh no It's just the nearness of you
It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation,

oh no It's just the nearness of you
When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true
I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night the nearness of you


Going through this wonderful experience with Josephine is really something to remember for years and years to come. I look at her with amazement. Seeing her being transformed by our baby in her womb makes me feel proud of what we've accomplished so far. She is going to be a mother and I know that she will be very good at it. I can see her eyes glowing whenever she looks at the mirror and sees her womb expanding. I can see how she is starting to develop that unique closeness with our baby that a woman and her child could only comprehend. I feel so happy witnessing this. Less than four months to go and soon We will be able to cradle our baby in our arms.

A simple family with hopes and ambition. We will be turning two (2) this December. I love her when we met and still that love is growing everyday. Yeah, maybe we are still too young in our marriage life to say with finality that this love will lead us beyond the end of time. I don't want to sound too corny but I believe in my heart that we will be together until we go old and until we see each other again in heaven. There is still a big room to discover about each other. While we've known each other for years and we've basically understood our dynamics, I'm sure the changes in our lives give us more mysteries to solve, understand and accept. Who will Josephine be when she becomes a mother? I have no idea? How will she handle a husband and a child? No idea. The answer will come very soon. I have no fears because Josephine is a good person with a good heart. All I know is that God is starting to enlarge my heart for Him to be able to give more love to share to my wife and child.

Passing of days does not mean an end but actually it signifies a start of another day. Today and few months from now, we are about to close another chapter of our married life and what a way to start a new one. We welcome our baby in our lives with open arms and we ask God, our Father to guideto be Christian parents that we ought to be.

A Different Comfort

At 4am I opened my eyes and read a message in my phone. Then it struck me that our financial situation is nearing an alarming stage. Who wouldn't worry? Knowing that several months from now, Josephine will give birth and then when our baby arrives I'm sure we would need to have enough cash for our child's daily needs.

I started to shiver and palpite. Right there and then, I checked my thought. I am starting to have an anxiety attack. At 4am!!! No, way. How to battle anxiety? By being and feeling grateful. Easy to say, hard to do but it worked. I started praising God though at first I have to accept the situation.

Ok. We have bills to pay that are not related (?) to us. No matter how I react or how I feel about,it won't matter. Even if I shout to the world, start to hate all the creatures of the world or throw away things at the end, we still have to face what's confronting us. Manage it or else it will control us. Hey, never in my life that God abandoned me nor did he ever show any restraint in providing what I need at any given moment. From the moment when I called His name until now and regardless if I'm faithful or not He remains to be a Father to me.
Anyway, here are the things I praised God for before I was able to go back to sleep again.

Praise God.
1. We are all healthy and there is no deep rooted anger among us.

2. Our angel waiting to come out. Five more months, kiddo! We will see each other then.

3. We both have stable jobs and the bonus season is coming.

4. We have so many friends in and out the community who love us truly. We know that we can approach these people easily without needing to put any defensive shield or anything.

5. My In-Laws are indirectly teaching me how to be a parent. They have shortcomings but who in this world is perfect anyway. I have learned to make chit chat while eating which I wasn't able to truly experience while growing up.

6. Jesus healed my woundedness. No more bitterness against my parents or anyone. I mentioned to Josephine before that God already filled my heart with love and my parents have done their part to raise me as best as they could. I released them from any anger that might have been with me for so many years. I heard His voice telling me exactly that and afterwards I felt free.

7. We have a car and even if we are struggling financially, we are still able to maintain it. It takes to places and provide some comfort. I love driving as long as I am with my wife.

8. We still manage to go to places by ourselves or be able to be eat where our taste buds are leading us. If we have extra, we bring along our family and it feels so good to go out as one big family.

9. God is still giving us opportunities to serve Him through helping other people even though at times we thought there is nothing more to give,God through His grace shows us small and big miracles and to be a witness is really a blessing.

10. Above all, Josephine and I love each other. Whenever I look at her while she is sleeping, I remember where we've been through, how our friendship blossom over the years, I smile at all the memories we've created. We are still learning from and about each other and I'm sure it will never end. I love her and it is truly a blessing to know that she loves me as well.

There are a thousand more blessing but I only needed these ten praises to calm me and overwhelm my anxiety. Love after all cures all things. I slept and after half an hour I woke up with a smile in my heart.

My Dreams

Look out beyond the limits of your mind
It is not just as far as your eyes can see
Wider much wider than that

Behind the mountains or your defined horizons
Be open to the world of possibility
There are opportunities out there
Not yet in a grasping distance. But it is there

Believe and persist
Dont let small triumphs or big set backs stop you
You may pause for awhile
But hang on to your dreams

Focus and discipline yourself
A time for everything. Be aware where you spend your time
Learn to move on when it is time to move
Don't satisfy your appetite and give up what you ought to have

It may come now or even at a later age
It doesn't matter just pursue it with the same intensity
Day in day out
There is no one on earth who can dictate this to you
But yourself alone

Surround yourself with people that exudes positivism and yet remains humble
Winners and yet know how to accept defeats
Confident but do not step on other people
Those who know how to share their riches, talents, kindness to others

One day. Be like them
Who knows there might be others who will follow you also along the way

All is well - Really

A simple introduction
Josephine and I are just doing fine. Spending more time with ourselves as a couple waiting for our first child. We are spending more time too with our family than with our friends. We do not mind really. A few months more then again a new door will open and we will not enter just as a couple anymore that we've been for more than a year but on our hands will be our dear child. A little Marvin or a little Josephine.

A dream about tomorrow
We are still leaving with my in-laws. That too is just fine but there are days when I wonder what would it be like just be with my wife and our baby? I know there are pros and cons and it depends on so many things. And yet,if you ask me and for years that I have known myself, I know we can make it on our own. The question is really not if we are ready, but are they ready? Ooooooops... I must never forget. God brought us there and we will let Him decide when we should leave. Amen.

Some of Josephine's cravings
1. Peach shake at 2am
2. Holland Hopia strickly straight from Binondo
3. Sampalok from Bangkok
4. Campbell's soup in can
5. Puto from Greenhills
6. Imported pretzels
7. Beef stew cooked by her Mom
8. Tuyo/Daing/Taba ng talangka (the doctor's says.... no more of these)
9. Fruits (Dizon's pineapples, Fuji Apple, Grapes, Santol, Longan,Ponkan, Atis, Mangoes, etc.,)
10. What else? Let's see! :)

A wonderful job
Sarcasstic or being truthful? There are moments when people from all corners of the world need something from me and this really stress me out. Some are difficult discussion and sometimes just ordinary inquiries but I really hate getting stupid questions that will surely merit my sarcastic reply. Hahahahahahaa.... Again, I will wait for the Lord if it is time to move out of here. I am still enjoying my job. Actually, I love my job but maybe I need some change here. Perspective or physical change?

My crazy email
It is crazy. Pure unadulterated chaos. I can't seem to catch up with my emails. It is my corporate emails that's driving me crazy. It is like maybe divisioria during peak hours. I will put some order in it but I need a day to fix and organize my emails. I have now three email accouts. One of course is my corporate mail. In here, all emails from our roaming partners and vendors come. I have linked as well my yahoogroups here and some other personal emails (I will remove them one by one). I will make this email for my work alone. I will then use my pop emails for other matters. For job application/opportunity related emails, I will use my hotmail account since I was able to get my own name as my email address. The rest will go to my yahoo emails. This has more storage capacity than the hotmail. That's it. I will no longer add a new email unless one day my emails would scream for me to create a new one. :)

I'm Thirty-Three years old

I just celebrated my birthday last Saturday. I was sick. But I was happy for my birthday, so many people greeteed me even those whom I haven't seen in ages. They remembered. It was just a simple celebration. The simplest I had in years but it was very special for me. I spent it with the most important person the world. My beautiful, lovely and pregnant wife.

We first attended the first birthday party of our friend's daughter. We were not there during the birth nor during the baptism so we knew we had to attend. Anyway, one thing for sure. We are all on our way to "getting old" already. Wow!! This is our crowd already. Married friends with kid/s. A different world has come and we even have to let go for a while of some memories because we are busy making new ones. : ). The place was too cold though and I think it aggrevated my fever.

We stayed for awhile with my sister in law and then we went to Sanctuario to attend what became: my birrthday mass, anticipated Sunday mass and Josephine's birthday mass. My wife prepared something for me. Just the thought, the she prepared something for my birthday made me love her more. I really felt special. I wasn't really in the mood to be with other people so I was very happy to have dinner with her and even though we just had enough money for the evening, praise God we still have money. : ).

So, Josephine bought tickets and we watched a play about relationship. It was funny and I think has good message. I laughed not so much because of the play but the thought that my wife was laughing whenever the characters sing their lines. I sometimes do that. hahahahahaha. Unfortunately, I can't stand it anymore and I requested that we go home.

We did. It was my father in law's birthday too and my thoughtfull Josephine bought a cake. There we were, celebrating a simple birthday. I am happy. Yesterday was Josephine's birthday. I wasn't able to join her to celebrate it with our relatives (actually, it was for all the July's celebrants). I stayed and home and rested. But it wasn't enough because I am still sick.


Thirty three years old. Some say that Jesus started His ministry when He turned 33. Late bloomer but He did it excellently. Right? The bible is the most printed book and I guess Jesus' life is the most read story of all time too. Jesus was ready at 33 and how He did it changed our lives forever.

Hmmmmm.... What about me? Well, I received one of the greatest gifts in my life at 33. I will be a daddy just maybe 6 or 5 months from now. May I be able to the daddy and husband that I am ought to be. : ) Sometimes I am worried but it's always Jesus who assures me that it will be ok. He will still be there for us.

......................got to go. : )

Remebering Joshua

Dear Child,

I've been thinking about you lately and everytime I do so, I feel like bursting to tears. Not because you are not here. I've already accepted that a year ago but because of the reason why you came. You came silently into our lives and when you left we were filled with love.

I was so happy when I found out that you were here but I wasn't prepared mentally, emotionally and spiritually on the days that followed. Everything happened so fast. We never knew what was happening nor how to handle such situation. A roller coaster ride was how I described it. We felt extreme joy then all of the sudden our feelings plummented to desperation to sorrow and to grief. But it didn't end here. Love came.

In spite of this, we remain faithful to God to the very end. I chose to be comforted by Him than to be angry at Him or be depressed by myself. No one can comfort us at that time but through God's loving arms, we rested our tired and weeping heart.

I never asked God why He has to take you right away. Two months. I even saw you already. But that was it, we were given a chance to see just a glimpse of an angel in our midst. You looked so peaceful and innocent. But when Father called you, we knew you have to go home.

Thank you. The fruit of your coming is love. Nothing else. We were surrounded by our family and friends all through out. They let us know that they were just there. Love cast all fears away. Love gave us wisdom not to fully understand but to accept.

You cleansed the womb of you mom. In the process, made her well. You prepared her and now we are ready to bring into this world the gift that Jesus has given us.

Thank you my dear child and forever you will be in my heart. I will always remember you my dear angel.

Love,

Daddy and Mommy

The First Gift

First week of July

I am not that too surprised (but I am elated!!)that God gave His gift this early because maybe it is not the last one : ). I'm sure. I'm sure. If it is, I praise and thank God for His faithfulness to us.

It was several weeks back when God revealed to us that He is going to give/do something to us. Amidst the daily struggles and ups and downs, I smiled inside knowing and believing that at the end God will reign victorious. I never doubted. I even realized why I had to go through the struggles that even now are still present. One. He is teaching me to focus on Him more. Two. I shouldn't think twice of helping others even if it means giving up so much because He can outdo our generosity. But true generosity must come from a sincere heart. I'm still learning the ropes. Three. He is healing me from my past. See my previous post? My past like my present and future is all about Jesus. Four. Many more!

So where are we in gift giving? First gift of Jesus. My wife is pregnant!! We just found out yesterday after the pregnancy test. She woke me up and told me the good news! Right there and then, I immediately felt God's presence. I remembered Him. Praise God indeed.

July is both our birthday month. God has just started giving us gifts and we felt loved from the people around us. Both from families and friends.

God isn't finished yet. Maybe He will give us His permission to migrate to US and give me a stable job. Oh well, I like surprises so I will let the Giver decide what's best for us.

God is good.

The Child in Me

I looked back and there was nothing. Just the wind sweeping dusty ground. Dead leaves flying. Other than that, it was silent and eerie. Nothing. Dark clouds loom in the horizon, a heavy downpour is about to wash away all that remain here. What's going on? It couldn't be like this! Deprived of nourishment for years. Taken for granted that there was a precious life waiting to scream out of this place. In spite of this, faith and hope persevered and made it live.................

If I look back at my life, to the earliest memory I can recall. I can see a happy child with his grandmother and cousins. Pampered. Playful. Contented. Then I remember my parents coming to the picture and everything went blank.

I do not have any (not even one until now) good memories being with either of them when I was still a child. Especially one on one moments.

Last Sunday, I saw a boy being carried by his father. He must be around five or six years old. Sometimes his mother would fix his hair and kiss him on his cheeks and the boy would just rest his head on his father's shoulder.

What must his feeling be? What was he thinking right there and then? Does he know the significance of his parents gesture? I'm sure that he doesn't think so much about it. Though emotionally he is getting his moemnt of nourishment. I smiled knowing that this young boy will grow up to be a good person. That's what I prayed for in the moment.

Me, I have no idea. Believe me or not, the real embrace that I received when I felt whole and not awkward was when my wife gave me a brotherly embrace when were still in college. I wasn't envious of that boy. I was just forced back to my childhood years and I felt.....

Sad.

Simple as that. I had no anger towards my parents because I have forgiven them a few years ago. I wasn't asking any "Whys" anymore because I know it wouldn't change a thing. I'm just sad that I don't have any memory of them in my past except the harsh words I got from them especially from my mom. The feeling of being unwanted. Hearing unconstructive criticism that I refused to accept. I said that to myself when I was in highschool. My peers respected me and I hear good compliments from these people. So again, I refused to believe what my mom has said of who she think I was. This started my rebellious years which lasted for more than a decade.

I didn't believe them and the more I got hurt the more I didn't accept their words. I did my best to protect myself from harm. I wasn't that successful of course since my hatred lasted so many years and it really separated me from my family.

One day (through my wife) God instructed me to go back to my family. What?? Prior to that I prayed for their conversion, and this was how God answered me? It was so hard to swallow my pride. Why me? I followed and really I thank God for His grace that made me followed Him.

Anyway, I was still feeling sad because I can no longer go back and create new memories of my past so I was stuck with "nothing" and painful memories which I have surrendered already.

Imagine, I felt like that and it was an opportunity for God to tell me how much He loves me. It was during the prayer meeting when He assured me of His love. The message for me was " So whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come" 2 Corinthians 5:17.

The prayer even prayed for God to heal our painful past and that all these things be replaced by His image. Whoa!!!. Remember what I said in my previous about Jesus being my light in a dark cave? That I remember Jesus in my past. I may not have memories of my parents in my past but I do have so many memories of Jesus in my past. When I first attended a school wide day of prayer when I elementary, when my grandmother taught us how to recite a rosary, when I was assigned to lead the rosary (Highschool) and my classmates laughed because I didn't know how but my teacher intervened and was proud of me for being brave.

Jesus was with me when I felt really hurt that I could not even understand why so I left the house one afternoon when I had no one to talk to and felt so lonely. I got my bike and went to a secluded place where it was just me and the trees and clouds surrounded me. Jesus was there alright, comforting me.

When I went to a hill all by myself. Didn't bring any friends or anyone. The hill was all mine. I remember being happy. I wasn't exactly alone. Jesus was there.

All through out my college days. I struggled in schools because of my whirlwind emotion. Looking for something to make it calm. Jesus calmed me. I was really about to lose myself because of all the forces in all direction that seemed to be against me. God protected me.

Until now, I see Jesus working in me. He isn't finished yet. I am amazed on how faithful He is to me. He is the most faithful I have encountered in my life given that He doesn't back out even if I become stray away. He wants to do something and He will do it. He is my Father who takes care of me.

Right now, He has promised me something. It's a surprise so I am not sure what it is but He says that it will be revealed by July or August. Very soon. God really is cool. :)

Once I receive this special gift, I will share it hear.

God bless to us all!

Jesus,my light

Last summer, we were in Palawan and had an awesome experience when we went to St Paul Mountain. Here lies the longest underground river of 'tem ol! At first, it meant nothing to me because I don't like to be inside a cave. I felt trapped and helpless and then my mind started creating its own worst scenarios. Presence of crocodiles, snakes, our little boat might sink and the current will pull us beneath the river (around 70meters deep), or an earthquake and we would be buried..aaaargh..

Well, I just found myself wearing a helmet and a lifevest. There were about 8 of us in a small boat.I hid my fears with my jokes which also made the others comfortable as we entered the cave. The opening of a cave is nothing to marvel at nor the stalactites/stalagmites that greeted. I've been to a cave before. But as we grow deeper my impression of this great cave changed. I was covered with awe. Look at this place! Bigger and wider that the Manila Cathedral. We've been sailing for almost an hour and yet we can't see the end of this river. Then we had to turn back. We were not allowed anymore to go beyond a certain pointunless we a have permit to do so.

Anyway, what can I say.

There was a time when we turned off the light for a while. Just to see how it was like. It was total darkness. No matter how hard my eyes tried to adjust to the darkness, I didn't see anything. It was pure black. Then the light was on again.

Hmmm... imagine, all the images I kept in me about this cave were from the light we were holding. I mean from the entrance until the end, if not for the light I would not be able to comment on anything. It would just be blank and maybe my imagination will create one for me.
-----------------------
God had been my light for many years. I think I surrendered myself when I was in second year college. If I look back (even beyond this), I can now see God's hand at work. I give God all the credits that I got. I can not say now that I was able to overcome the difficult challenges I experienced so far if not for Him. I met Josephine and married her because of Jesus. My realationship with my family changed for the better because of Him, I graduated from college because Him again, I am in BLD, here in SMART because of Jesus. And so many many many more. Jesus healed my memories and He is not done yet.

He was and is my light until now. I am sometimes (though I find myself worrying too much already) bothered by our future. Jesus never fails to assure me. I can't see what's ahead of us. All I know is that will lead us to a the future where we ought to be. A place of love and peace. He is there, I just have to follow the light He brings to me. One day, I will be there.

Just some things

Fill in the blanks. Choose the correct letter that correspond to what you are feeling today.

1. I am _____ today. Though, the day started just fine, it has dawn on me the magnitude of what I am suppose to do. Here at work and personal matters. I look forward to overcome all obstacles whether physical, mental or spiritual in nature.


2. In a few months, time I will change the landscape. I will rock my self out of complaceny which I do not wish to blame against me or anyone in particular. It is just happening and I must do something to stir the calm water which if look closely is somewhat murky. It can not easily be seen because it is dark here and sometimes when the sun is up, the unlikely color appears. Not yet though, but it is time to flush it out. I would (a). actively pursue an international job. (b). I will suck in all I have now and find a way to be more organized. (c). Request to be unloaded. Too much thing to do is really paralazying me. (d) All of the above. I don't have the answer but God does. I'm bent with my knees and pray to God for the much needed direction.

3. In my mind, I can do it but I can't see any result. I am starting to be heavy. I will try to ________ more and more. I don't want to grow old and grow big literally. I see myself healthy as I add days and years. __________ is the number key to achieve this. I know because I usually give in whenever an __________ presented itself. I gulped an entire forest to satisfy my appetite. It has ended a month ago and I am more ______________ about it.

4. I acknowledge that where I am right now is the fruit of God's patience all throughout and right at this very moment He remains faithful to me. Making sure, that I am ok. There are times, actually many times I allow myself to drift and float aimlessly and there is Jesus. Casting a rope, where I can hold and pulling me closer to Him. How could I repay such persistence? Evedyday I spend more than 10 hours working but _______________. Go go go go!! No time to be in a _____________________ mood. Just put on your shoes and run.


5. (a) Don't I have a role model, a mentor to guide me? (b) Who is this person in my life?
Is it ____________ or _________ or __________? (c) Do I need one? Yes, I do. I long to have a mentor. While I am adult and has knowledge how to decide on life matters, I see the need for someone who can pinpoint to me what I am doing right and what I could improve on. In sear\of a mentor. Any candidates? First and foremost he should be a Man of God. Living a balanced life.

6. Financial savings, wedding photo album, loans and credit cards, financial assistance to family and friends, plans for the future, commmunity life, personal programs.....etc., arrrrrgh!!!! Given all these, I feel _____________________. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! What if God is allowing these things to happen all at the same time because He ______________? Maybe? Look at fruits at the end and then adjust accordingly. I am aware and everyday and night I see myself being cut thinly of the responsibilities controling my life right now. Ah? that's the point. Should I control or leave it alone and let it control me? The answer is pretty ____________.

When Death Surrounds Me

Another old fella died. Just last week a friend's dad passed away unexpectedly. I think almost every month I hear of someone (who is directly or indirectly) connected to us dies. Paranoia would sometimes sips in to me. Deaths every where. I get nervous whenever I think of my family and friends. But should I be so affected by people leaving this world? This is all but normal. Everyday people die. But for every death comes birth. Just look at the figures of the world's population.

I'm just a little bit uncomfortable of the fact that I know these people who died recently. So be it. I guess I'm old and every year new friends come into my life and the possibility that someone I know dies will proportionally increase as well. That's it. That's the explanation a logical one, that I can offer.

When a person dies, I think the most we can do is to pray for his/her soul that God will welcome Him in the gates of Heaven. We should comfort more the ones who were left behind and allow them to grief. Because it is really a great loss. Imagine, after so many years of being with the person then one day he/she is gone forever. Whoa.. I myself wouldn't now how to handle my emotion. I know that I dont handle goodbyes easily. It stings me to say good bye to someone what more it if it is forever.

I thank God that I have a God. He replaces the empty places in my heart. I know this, when my youngest sister migrated to US. I was overwhelmed by emotions and made me cry for several nights. I offered to God what I was feeling and just allowed Him to fill my heart. The longingness/loneliness I have, I let Him fill it. Thank God thank God really. I wouldn't know what I would have done if He wasn't present in my life.

I know that when we reach the end of the rope then it is time to depart this world. It is not us who decide nor someone else. It just happen. Mystery of the world that those who are left behind will not be able to comprehend and piece together this puzzle. By the time maybe that we've formed the puzzle coincides with the time when we need to go.

There is God. He is here and beyond this world.

My life (inaasam asam)

My Schedule (not yet happening but this is what I long for..:) ).

5:30am : Wake up/ Morning Prayer

5:45am : Exercise

6:15 am : Take a bath

6:45 am : Breakfast

7:15 am : Of to work

7:45 am : Prepare to work/personal matters

8:30 am : Start of work
Review of things to do for the day (for the week if Monday)
Review revenue (if Monday)
Start with priority countries

10:30am: Coffee break/Personal matters

10:45 am: Continuation of priority countries

12:00 noon: Lunch time

1:15 pm : Priority country/Other projects

2:30 pm : Other projects
Coffee
4:00 pm : Reply to emails

5:30 pm : Detail things to do for tomorrow

6:00 pm : Extra work/personal matters

7:00pm : Leave work
Monday : Prayer mtg
Tuesday: Badminton
Wednesday: Go home
Thursday/Friday Free time

This is me. : )

My life with Jesus
My Family
My Work
My friends
My Community
Others

These are the positive words that I hope would define me or what I am surrounded with. Not all maybe but some of these I hope.

Organize.Orderly.Clean.Happy.Healthy.Priority.Discipline.Prayerful.Honest.Relax.Achiever.
Passionate.Open environment.Simple.Comfort.On time.Service.Updated.Responsible.Caring.
Sweet.Smiling.Serious.Successful.Responsible.White.Blue.Green.Roots.Clear.Understanding.
Friend.Amen.Empower.Eager.Laughter.Peace.Love.Time.Plans.Present.Persistent.Positive.
Optimistic.Leader.Influence.Mentor.Faithful.Generous.Wisdom.Casual.Formal.Funny.

A Beautiful World

I want you to feel free to express yourself
Who you are and who you want to be
My love will not limit you in any ways or manner
Throughout our married lives that's how I wish it to be
I am just here to be your constant companion
One day, I hope that you can say to yourself
Whenever you look back that you've done
The things you've always wanted












I want you to be always happy.
That's my promise...to keep you happy
If you are sad, I will give you my funniest face
If you are worried, I will wrap you in my arms
If you smile, my heart smiles back at you
If you are laughing, I know that I am fullfilling my mission
















I am committed to love you
In this lifetime or in another life
It is still you whom I will marry
Time will not matter to a love that will forever
Be in love with you
My heart will not change my dear beloved
It belongs to you
You and no other


















I wish to give you a life of comfort
Even if we have children I hope you wouldn't feel burden
I will strive to provide for your needs, for our family
To toil and not to seek for rest....
I pray to God that He will give me enough strength
and be of service to my family



















Wherever I am in this part of the world
I wish that you are with me
I love being with you.
I love being with you.
I love being with you.

I like holding hands with you while we explore a new world
I dont mind being lost in a crowded city as long as we are together
I love talking to you while we walk along strange streets
Unmindful of people whom we wouldn't see again
They dont even understand us

I like sharing stories with you even if we've seen the same thing
Let's discover the world together!!!

















My beautiful, smart, sexy, kind hearted, wacky, funny, generous, prayerful,
sleepy, makulit, sweet, understanding, considerate, alaskador, good leader,
thoughtful etc etc etc wife Josephine...........

I love you with all my heart!
Keep it inside your heart too as I know
that you also love me as much as I love you

PLBPPPPPPPPPT!!!!! op, op, op, op, op, op.....

My God

Worshipping God is the greatest experience in my life. When I shout and sing praises oblivious of the people I am with or where I am. For me, it is just God. Although, I am touched so much by the power of having to worship together with the community. It does break me into tears.

I often ask God to just let the moment be forever. I dont want it to end. (By the way, I feel like this whenever I attend a prayer meeting where we worship God.) I cry in tears knowing that God is just so close to me. He is with me.

That certain high can not be compared whenever I am having fun with my friends, if I accomplished something at work, spending time with my family, having money or material things. I know now how it feels to be with God. But I am aware that it just but a glimpse of how it is to be with God. Someday, by faith I claim that I will be with God.

How I wish that I could bring that feeling where ever I am. That leads me back to my mission in life which I have tried to define many long years ago when I was still in college. To acknowledge God's presence whereever I am, whatever circumstances I am in that I may live to honor God.

Difficult indeed.

There are so many instances in my life that I tend to handle it all. Pushing myself to find ways and means to the problems I need to face. By doing so, I feel the burden, the heaviness on my shoulder and as if Iam all by myself.

Then something magical happens. God will lead me back to Him. As soon as I realize that God is bigger than the all these burdens, my worries fade into the background. Yeah, I still have to face the challenges but I know that someone is looking after me. My life isn't defined by my activities, what people tell me, what I achieve or fail to do. My life is more than that.

God has time for me afterall. I do appreciate it, Father.

God's assurance is soothing like the morning breeze. Calming like the sound of the sea rushing to the shore. I keep it into my heart that I have a Father in heaven. It's not after I live this place but it can happen while I am still here.

My Freedom

I am free.
The other day God told me so.
What does it mean?
I know I am.
Yes, Marvin you do.

You are free.
The other day God told me so.
What does it mean?
Why did you say that to me again?
So that you may believe.

Am I Free?
The other day Gold told me so.
What does it mean?
I am confuse.
Then open your eyes so you may see

I am not Free.
That other day God told me so.
What does it mean?
I am living a life struggling to be free
Now you understand

Be free
The other day God told me so
I now know what it means
I have allowed the light to pass through me
Never surrender your freedom again

What I do not know

I do not know each specific step that I should follow in the projects that I'm handling

I do not know how to handle our finances

I do not know when to start facing our plan to go to US

I do not know what to do with our responsibilites as head of our ministry

I do not know if I will be promoted this year

I do not know if how long we will be with our parents

I do not know if we go to US, are we be with my parents forever

I do not know if I really want US vs New Zealand

I do not know if I stil want to stay here in SMART after being here for five (5) years

I do not know how to lose weight

I do not know my plans for my meetings in Bangkok

I do not know when we will have children

I do not know how to organize my different projects

I do not know how to manage my staff effectively

I do not know what our President and those rallyists are thinking

I do not know if I still following my mission in life

I do not know if I want to buy shoes

I do not know if I want to reply ro the newspapers' editorial section

I do not know if the Lakers will make it to the play off

I do not know if Kris and James will really end up together

I do not know if I still want to watch American Idol

I do not know if I still want to share my burdens to others

I do not know whether to continue playing badminton

I do not know what else I should be doing

I do not know how to handle my tons of work

I do not know if my staff can still follow where we want to go this year

I do not know how to end this..........................

Jesus, You are Holy

I'm flooded with work. I am choking and the hardest part of it is that what I am doing is outside my universe. Somehow, I moved out from my orbit and here I am in a different galaxy. I carry upon my shoulder to do so many different things and yes I am affected. I am tensed and stressed lately. Sometimes, I say to myself to just go back and be normal again. Traverse territories that are familiar to me. There I can even drive comfortably even with out looking.

I know I can just go back if I want to but the "me" in me doesn't want to give in to this temptation. So here I am. What should I do? Where will I get instruction when it seems that guidance is no longer part of the package for going to this direction? Where will I find an angel who will be willing to guide me willingly? While I am thinking about this, work is flowing like a wild river. Control it or it will never stop even to the point of destroying the path.

Sometimes being without trouble is trouble already. It creates a space for complacency and slows us down. Then when troubles come I rattle and run in circles like a wild man. My heart palpitates because of the pressure. My mind start to think but not clearly and the result is not what is supposed to be. Physically, I get sick. Then "Boom!!" it becomes heavy and as I try to lift everything by myself, I just sink deeper. Until there is nothing I can do. But wait....

Jesus is just here. How stupid I am to forget! For so many years I've been with Him I always find comfort and answers from Him. He is the Lord of Heaven and Earth! Of all creation. He is my True Leader. God of wonder beyond Galaxy. Whew! Whenever I think of Him, I feel at peace knowing that God is ruler of all and that He is victorious! He is bigger than the universe which He Himself created! In spite of His greatness, He loves me and will not allow anything to happen to me. With Him, I am free and I can move.

I am a Leper too!

After our overnight expedition, my wife and I went directly to Sun Valley and attended the Sunday mass. I was really tired but tried my best to listen to the Priest. Then I heard the Gospel and the only words that I could remember were "Leper" and "touched by Jesus".

That was like my energy drink for it kept me awake and listen more intently to the Homily.

Yes, I am also a leper just like the man in the Gospel. I could imagine how the people then would do their best to conceal their sickness. Why not? When the community finds out then out you go! Damned for ever. Rejected no matter who you are. Then Jesus did something out of the ordinary. If I were there, I am sure I will also have the same reaction. I wouldn't find it amusing or be angry even. Because I also wouldnt understand.

But in the mass, I realized that I am no different with the Leper. I, too am living in secrecy. Leprosy one day will physically show itself but mine is spiritual leprosy and no one will ever see it. I lived a life pretending that since no one can see my sickness and it doesn't affect anyone then it was ok. Who am I kidding? Jesus just touched me yesterday. I was surprised that I was being Healed when I thought that nothing was wrong to me. When I searched my heart deeper, I said to myself and admitted that I too am a leper that need healing.

Jesus touched me. How I love being with Jesus. When nothing seem to be more important than to be in His presence. That's how the Leper must have felt when he was cured. He didn't care because he knew he was well again.

I realized what God has instructed me so many years agao. That in everything I do, I must find God there. Jesus loves meand His love is constant. Never changing. While I don't encounter any troubles right now, Jesus reminds me that there are something in me that still need to be healed. I shouldn't stop and ignore it.


I love Jesus and it comforts me to know that He loves more than I coulld ever imagine.