My Lambs, My Shepherds

I became a shepherd to lambs who would someday be my shepherds.
Amazing and really I was blessed to have them last weekend during the LSS in OMI. These aspirings priests were really full of energy and were almost boisterous. Sometimes, I felt that their behavior was already unbecoming but I was always reminded of their age. Honestly, these yound people were just being themselves and acting like young adults only.

I was fortunate to have met three young gentlemen Sol (Solomon),Don-Don(Gerson) and Len(Cyrill) and they have touched my life as well. They thanked me for being their Shepherd which I have no control of in the first place and I thanked them too. My last prayer for the group was that God would grant us the energy and strength to be men of God. Yup, Men of God. God must have been pleased.

Man of God. So easy to say but so hard to do.

I thanked the Lord that my three lambs opened to me without reservation. There were times when I had the urged to probe unneccessarily and I had to restrain and instead I listened though it wasn't always easy to do so because of some distractions or if the sharing was too long. Oh well, God rewarded me why He didn't allow me to say anything during those moments because at the end these young men were able to realize by themselves the issues they needed to confront and that experience would have been empowering to them. It made them more confident realizing that they could handle their own problems when at first all three of them would only sigh in resignation and say " Bahala na si Lord".

I was happy to know that without telling them they made their own action plans and all I said was that they always include God in their plans and always ask for God's blessings.

As for me, I left tired but satisfied. It was my first shepherding after all. I was able also to share my childhood experiences and how God handled it while I was young. The four of us were able to relate to one another because of our own struggles while growing up. Not a perfect family but God was there. Just like the story of Joseph. Maltreated and almost killed by his own blood but at the end he became a ruler without any grudge against his siblings.

Soon these young men are ready to take their vows as priests. They will be then Shepherds to others including me.

A tribute

I saw you again
A face that's not quite unique
Shared by hundreds around
But rarely noticed by people

Every night you knock on my car windows
I can feel the coldness of the night
And here you are With clothes barely providing you with warmth
With no sandals to protect your little feet
It is even raining

Sometimes I can see you
Seated on the gutter with your tiny hands covering a tired face
While I am about to go home and I am 32
You are out there braving a rainy night
You are just 5 or 6

You are not yet fully aware why you should be like that
When the other children are resting at this hour
You only follow the adults around you
No choice. No choice. No choice.

I want to do more
I can't give anymore
Restore your right as a child
But I remain helpless because of poverty that afflict us all

I can say a little prayer
That God will grant me a more generous heart
A small act of goodness
A tiny hope for my tiny friend

Lord, let it grow as you would want it to
You opened my eyes to this small world
I ask that you may open my heart as well
In all things may it just be love...........

Restoring life

There was no thunder
No drum rolls or trumpets
Cymbals resting on the ground
No whispering or eyes moving

Yes! I am here at last!
Billions of years it took to mold me
Nine months to perfect it
then it was time to come out

I am happy that I am here in this world
It would have been happier if only.....
Don't bother....32 years later

No more looking back and searching for more answers
It is time to make the first step courageously
What's few more years? or Should I waste a billion year?

There in the midst of chaos and confusion
I respect this life
I respect its Maker
Not to waste a single day anymore

In anger...let it be forgiveness
In bitterness...let it be forgiveness
In resentment...let it be forgiveness
In all....let it be love

I let the God who created me conquer me!
Rule over me Lord
As you please............

Greatful, I am living

I borrow a little more time. It is always like that. Needing more time. Not wanting to go and just move on. Selective maybe. I want to go somewhere now. A new place. New faces. New environment. New scent. All will be new except of course my wife. I want to go there with her. We have to wait. I know and believe that everything is in order and we only have to wait. Borrowing time and waiting. Same result and yet different worlds.

You walked in to my life
Silently, without a word
Quietly, without a sound
You are there and yet I am not aware

One day, I met emptiness
One day, I met loneliness
One day, I met anger
One day, I met nothingness
All at the same day

I can only cry but there's noone to wipe my tears
I can only shout but there's noone to listen to my woes
I can only struggle but there's noone to embrace me
I can only kneel and then there was You

You've been there after all
You've seen my life eversince I was conceived
You took care of me
You loved me

In this world, where everyone turns into a tiny speck
You always call me by my name, You know me
Lord, You've never been embarassed to have me as your child

Thank you.

The Last Straw

continutation...............
Every once in a while when everything is disarray, I manage to creep out and enter a silent place where no one can see me and I ignore seeing others. I let the big storm pass by and choose to sit in one corner. It makes me calm. I let a big sigh and that's it. I don't have to face anything until I am ready or until it is really needed.

If it is heavy and makes me feel so small and about to explode. I retreat. I go where all must go during trouble times. I enter God's house through the Blessed Sacrament. No one there can distract me nor demand anything from me. I am just me and with my Father. One on One. In there, I receive peace and understanding.

What I've written in my previous post wasn't about me but someone I know. I haven't seen any change in him since I first met him. Always a victim. People around him can do wonders even to him but it seems this guy is not capable of doing what everybody can do. That is his own belief and mentality. He just let his friends help him.

Sometimes of course, I can relate to his situation. We all need our friends but these good people should also see how we are handling our difficulties.

Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and just like before he's gone again...there is silence. One day he will show up.... I hope it isn't because he needs something. Good luck to you, Man!

Desperate thought

Do you think it is easy? I don't. To ask when you totally have nothing. To approach when there's no one to turn to. I have to set aside my own ego and pride. I compromised my dignity but what can I do. I can only look at directly at your eyes and never have to bow down. That's all I have now. I have nothing to boast. I have nothing to show. I have nothing but what have be fallen me. The tide hasn't turned yet. No need to panick because it would only waste my energy. I have to move fast to salvage what I can save. Help me and I will do anything you want me too. Just help me and I don't care what it takes to repay the goodness you will do for me. I cry out at night when there is no one around because I don't want anyone to see how weak I am. They need me to be stronag. They need me to stand and to weather the storm all by myself while protecting them. I wonder how long I can hold on.

Someone is holding hands, the others my head, while there are some who are clinging on my feet. What will I do? I am in agony not because of my personal difficulties but because so many depend on me. Should I ignore their cries for help? Must I be deaf and blind by what has surrounded me?

to be continued

Not enough time - it's Monday again

The Drama has reached it clamax or has it? There is silence and clamness right now but I am sure there will be a second wave. There hasn't any resolution yet so it stil ain't over. Because of my busy weekend I was not able to think more of this. It was a healthy distraction. As usual all I can say is that I am tired once again!!! I want to go on leave again but all my weekends are full this September.

I was comfortable being in front of people last weekend. Though, I only handled minor activities I still learned so much and the experience made me more comfortable handling small sessions. Maybe later on, I will be more confident when I will be given major programs.

I left my car keys inside my car's trunk! Imgaine, I blew opened my schedule when I realized there was nothing I can do but to wait for my wife to bring over the spare key. I raised my white flag knowing there was no use rushing and panicking. I was already entertaining the thought of just breaking the car's window. Good thing it rained. I mean, the rain made me realized that my plan was plain stupid. Anyway, we got home at 10pm already. There was little we can do but just to do house chores especially our clean clothes. After that, my wife and rested.

Should I attend the prayer meeting tonight? I am open in not attending. But now final decision yet.

Oh well, it is Monday. I just pray that God will guide me throughout the week Actually, that I maybe sensitive to Him.

Calm Water

It has been days and I just can't put my act together. The world is just too confusing for me to function properly. Remember the self limiting behavior I have. I need order. I am waiting for something to happen and sad to say it is beyond my control. That's exactly answer. I just have to let it go and let this situation carry itself to its own direction. For sure, I will just follow. That's life sometimes. Be patient especially in things that I can't influence. Sometimes a leader, sometimes a follower.

It will be over very soon. I think it will be resolved within days. Waiting isn't something that one can master. The siutation is like the policitical drama that our beloved country has right now. Very annoying. Imagine if you are directly part of it.

As if I can influence the decision, I think if I can it would only be as good as let's say 5% influence :). It is something that should be decided by those who are above the shoulders of most of the people. As for me, I only stand side by side with the rest. I am still a soldier. Wait until I become a general. As I've said personalities do not count here, it is still for the best interest of the organization.

It will be over one day and I pray to God to help once again in this adjustment. May I remain humble and always in need of Him. Everything around us change but not with our God. He remains the same. His love always overflowing. His mercy is all around.

Working hours is about to end. Until now, I have no focus. Good ness.

Changing Me

Here's some of my unhealthy beliefs/practices.

1. If you are new, you are allowed to commit mistakes. So, grab it because afterwards, rookie mistakes won't be acceptable anymore.

2. Everything must be in order before I start anything. If my place(disposition) is in chaos then it is really hard for to me to start.

3. I am not good in so many things. I can't feel it. Though, I can see it changing.

4. I don't mingle with people whom I perceived to be intimidating. To protect myself. This leads to misunderstanding and becoming aloof.

5. Procrastination.

Well, I'm sure I have other "show stopper" in my system and maybe some of them I am not yet aware of but the ones I mentioned can be a good start for me.

Turn of Events

Great talk by Arun last night! Get out of your "Self Limiting Beliefs"... I heard this a long time ago and honestly it is the truth. We can only overcome our own fears if we can identify these beliefs and actually facing them. No one in this world can face it but just ourselves.

I've learned something last night. I think it is more important to identify first the self limiting beliefs, there should be acceptance and willingness to change, then that would only be the time to act on it.

This lead to ask myself, "Marvin, what are your self limiting beliefs?" "Why do you have them?" "Who/What caused them?". Hmmmmm. I think I have some. The traumatic exprience I had when I was in college is on top of my list. It really shook my confidence and turned a once sunny world into a cloudy one. I realized though that it was bound to happen and still thank God it happened already. I know the reasons and God helped me to move ahead (it took years, man!). But I still have nightmares, it still haunts me until now. Really. Sometimes, I still find myself blaming the person/s who created a big monster that sometimes controls me. I hate it. Though, gradually, the monster is starting to shrink.

It is really hard to be a parent because it is not just a matter of feeding a child, provide protection, education etc., not only that as they grow old parents too should still learn to adjust their perception of their children but most important of all those issues parents had when they were still young..... they have to be aware of it and be healed of it. Difficult indeed. When you thought all is okay but now that you have a child, your own childhood haunts you back.

I can't finish this. tomorrow then

In Minutes

That's what I alloted for my blog...just 10 minutes!

1. I was in Bohol from Aug 25 to 27. It was really a great experience compared to my trip in Boracay and Palawan. The city was interesting since finally I was able to see the world know Chocolate Hills and the little Tarsier. But I guess that was about it. It would have been different maybe if I was with my wife and with close friends.

2. Tarsier could only mate once a year that would last for only two seconds. (that explains their sad desposition..: ) ). I hate animal in captivity which most probably is the Tarsier's number one reason why they look lethargic. But I also realized that they need protection and help them to multiply faster.

3. I saw very old churches there but the buildings weren't really restored properly. It is like a great thing but hidden but its ugly facade. I hope the government of Bohol could do more because I think it attracts foreign or even local tourists.

4. Chocolate Hills....

5. Hinagdanan Cave. Hmmmm, a very old place and just a small one but still amazing with its stalactites(?), swallow's nests and the fish you could find in the pond of water. Amazing!

6. Bohol Beach - Great for relaxing but the beach isn't really that attractive. There were hundreds of sea urchin out there. If you are not wearing a beach sandals and goggles then you will be in big trouble. I think you can count a few Filipinos enjoying the beach. The guests were mostly Europeans and Koreans.

7. Badminton Marathon. Two hours after I arrived from Bohol, we played badminton until my legs can no longer support my weight! four hours!!! whoa. Then the following day, we played again for another four hours!!! Wow. So here I am tired and moving on!

8. Time's up! 13 minutes...

Weekend Thriller

I had a full schedule last weekend. Literally started Friday night. We left our place at 9pm and went to Marikina for our laundry. My sister was with a friend and we had to bring her home too. No problem since she was also residing in Marikina. As usual, traffic in Marikina was heavy though it was already late. Just imagine the angst of us all who just want to go home and rest (but not for me and my wife. we had to go back to our home in Makati afterwards). After the monster traffic, we were met by flooded streets and we had to go in circle looking for alternative routes! I hate Marikina because of these two things. Traffic and floods. When we reached our house in Marikina, we just dropped our laundry and rested for about ten minutes then we hit the road to go home.

The following day, we woke up very early since Josephine volunteered to baby sit. 630am!! we were already in PQue. Then Jaz asked me to bring drive her to school. The traffic was bad again and there was a long stretch when couldn't distinguish reality and pure imagination! I was half awake. I was on my way home when I made a stupid decision of ignoring the red light and just around the corner were 5 policemen. They confiscated my license (i just got my new license just a couple of weeks ago). I then had my car washed then went home to rest a little. After that, I played badminton for two hours then joined my team mates and for the basketball tournament. We lost bigtime (26 points). Right after that, I went to Marikina to get our clothes. Again, traffic. I was so tired but still I had to fold our laundy and bring it to Makati.

When I reached our condo, I just wanted to rest for awhile but I never woke up anymore. I was really really tired. Sunday morning, we played badminton and then we went to SM for grocery. We went home to Makati and rested for just 10min then went to Mass.

We cleaned our condo and fix our grocery goods and laundry. That was my most tiring weekend!!!

In my Thirties

I am just plain tired to work today. I played basketball last night and I liked how I managed to score points. Though, if that physical game wasn't enough, I slept at 230am. Stupid. I am not that young anymore and I should learn how to manage my energy better. Not that I am THAT old but I guess this is the stage whereI should learn how to be more gentle to my body. After years of neglect because of so many activities and little rest, I must really discipline myself to take things in moderation and get enough sleep everyday. I still want to jump and run when my children ( I don't have any yet..: ) ) would like to play with me.

Good thing I don't smoke. I now appreciate that I was able to stop when it was about to be an addiction. I only drink occasionally. I really need to get enough sleep. I am still anemic and I think it will be a problem later on. I was able to control my bad eating habit (so far). I say goodbye to my favorite food... lechon, pork sinigang, pork binagoongan, crab fats, etc etc.. otherwise my cholesterol will go beyond the limits again. I think it is under control now but I have no choice but to be aware of the food I eat. So long............ and hello, healthy living..: )

I am so sleepy.

I have no schedule for tonight but to spend it with my wife and watch Lost, INXS and Killing time? I just hope we would be tuck to bed at midnight or else I would have the same predicatment tomorrow. Hmmmm.. what's for dinner? I'm not sure yet.

I have to work now.

Praise God!

I thank God for the miracle last night. Me standing in front of many people? That was not me..: ) . Praise God. I was blessed and claiming that others were blessed too. I felt the difference as a prayer leader and as a participant. Honestly, I could've expressed myself better if I was part of the crowd. Leading stopped me (being a rookie) from total abandonment, I felt that I was controlling my emotions to make sure that I was still aware of what's happening with others as they worship. But generally, it was really great and amazing. I had my first experience several months ago but last night was like my first. Thank God as well that Josephine was there beside me. She's my perfect example of someone who can lead prayer worship excellently. God's grace. I remember months ago I asked God for empowerment. Thank God because He did and He is not done yet. Need anything? Asked God I'm sure if it is for your own good He will right away answer your prayer.

We had dinner with the people in our ministry. Sentimental fool or not, I found it touching to see so many people eating together, just like one big family. We know each other and all were smiling. Shy or outspoken all at the same table. Sharing stories, jokes, funny moments, experiences... etc.

I just came from several rounds of meeting and I feel tired. Though, I have no problem with the meetings I attended. I want it and excited about it. That's one sector where God made me feel empowered. Through my job.

Praise God. My Alpha and Omega. I love you, Jesus.

Prayer Meeting - Flow

SINGLES PRAYER MEETING
August 8, 2005

Matthew 14:22-33 (Sunday)
Jesus Walks on the Water
22Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24but the boat was already a considerable distance[a] from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
25During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
27But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
28"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
29"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
32And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."



I. Teach two songs
a. Yahweh
b. God of all Creation

II. Introduction

27But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." Matthew 14:27
Last week, I felt really pressured and the reasons angered me so much. At first, I kept myself busy and I had no problem doing so since I had many things on my hand. I thought, it would be good for a day's work but I finished everything at lunch time. I had no other choice but to confront what was bothering me. It wasn't easy because our concerns/issues weren't about me and Josephine but with our loved ones (their problems, their expectations and everything else, someone said, welcome to married life). I panicked. I was confused and there was no peace at all. I knew I had to face it but how should I react? What should I say or should I say anything at all? Whom should I consult with? How are we going to handle this? Should I just remain silent and hope it would just go away?

With this chaos in my mind, I entered the Blessed Sacrament. Sure enough, I rant and rant and told God everything. Then God cut me off. He asked me to calm down. That was the only time I acknowledged God's presence. God silenced my heart and mind. Then I shared to Him my heart's ache in a more gentle way. My closing prayer was, "God, I just can't see the end of this problem though I know it is something temporary. I don’t want to decide or to say anything that would compromise our relationship with our loved ones. But Lord, all I have now is fear, confusion and resentment. Show me Father, a glimpse of your plan for us. Show me even just a small fraction of this plan to help me move on."

During the prayer meeting, He welcomed me right away with pure love and concern. Remember, the first song? River of life. Not just a glimpse but He showed me something bigger. He told me, at the end Marvin, You will see only Greatness and how much I love you. Do not be afraid anymore because I am with you now and in your future.

God blessed me so much that night and I went home with peace reigning in my heart.


II. Opening Prayer

For tonight, I pray and claim that God will bless all of us and our families once again. That His blessing will overflow. Let’s all acknowledge God’s presence. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit…

(Matthew 6:25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?)

Lord Jesus, Lover of my soul, Prince of Peace, Maker of the Universe, King of kings
Ruler of all, my ALPHA and OMEGA. We are here tonight carrying with us so many things. We are tired and worried. Weary and restless. Bothered by what others tell us, rejected by people, feeling indifferent, worried about tomorrow’s uncertainty, sad, depressed angry… Some of us on the other hand maybe here to thank you for the blessings received. Others might be overwhelmed with recent accomplishment, with good health…. With so many things.

(Intro of song)
Lord, we have various reasons for coming here tonight and we give them all to you and we pray that tonight. Father, we pray that we may feel your loving presence. May it surround us, fill us, embrace us, and lift us. Empty our hearts, Father so we can be open to receive you. Remove from us feelings of unworthiness, guilt, pride…everything Father that will distract us, that will stop us, that will hinder us from praising you, from loving you.

We are here Father, with repentant hears to simply worship you….


Heart Of Worship

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what you have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
It's all about you, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about you, Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath

II. Josephine’s prayer (high worship)

Yahweh
Andy Park

Lyrics:
Yahweh, Yahweh
Ancient One yet You’re here today
Ageless One, Changeless One
Showing love to all generations

(Bridge)

Show us Your glory, oh Lord
Let your goodness pass before us
Right before our eyes

(Chorus) And we will worship, and we will bow down
And we will call You Lord
And we will kneel before the Maker of the universe
And we will call You Lord

Yahweh, Yahweh
Faithful One, You have shown us the way
Through the years, through all our lives
You have shown You are faithful to the end

(Bridge) Show us Your glory, oh Lord
Let your goodness pass before us
Right before our eyes

(Chorus) And we will worship, and we will bow down
And we will call You Lord
And we will kneel before the Maker of the universe
And we will call You Lord
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Additional spontaneous lyrics:
We worship Yahweh, Yahweh
We worship Yahweh, We worship Yahweh
You were faithful to Abraham, faithful to Moses
You were faithful to David, and You are faithful to us today
So we worship Yahweh
We will worship Yahweh
Through all the ages, Yahweh
We worship Yahweh

III. Quiet Time

Thank you, Jesus.

God of All Creation
Album: Hillsongs United

Verse 1
I'm totally abandoned to You
I'm lost inside the rivers of Your love
I'm swept into the power of Your presence
Drawn toward the whisper of Your voice

Verse 2
I come to You in quiet adoration
And fall before Your feet You are my King
I'm living for the beauty of Your Presence
To behold the glory of Your face

CHORUS
Holy, Worthy, is the Lord
Heaven declares Your Righteousness
Oh God of All Creation
I worship You

Verse 2
CHORUS

Oh when You said 'seek Your face'
My heart said 'Your face I will seek' (2x)

CHORUS



IV. Supplication

The Lord promised in Matthew 7:7 that we need only to

(Matthew 7: 7"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.)

Lord, we are here to lay down to you the desires of heart. You know very well what’s good for us, what we are going through, our weaknesses, our strength our needs, Father. But above all, Father it your love that we truly need.

You Said
VERSE 1:

You said, "Ask and you will receive whatever you need."
You said, "Pray and I'll hear from heaven,
And I'll heal your land."

VERSE 2:
You said Your glory will fill the earth
Like water the sea.
You said, "Lift up your eyes;
The harvest is here, the kingdom is near.

CHORUS:
You said, "Ask and I'll give the nations to you."
O Lord, that's the cry of my heart.
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your light as it rises on us.

O Lord, I ask for the nations.
(repeat as desired)

ENDING:
O Lord, I ask for the nations.

My little world

I just came from a tiring basketball practice last night. The other night, it was badminton and then tomorrow it will be our first basketball game. We might have a badminton game over the weekend. I'm 32 yrs old. I am not sure why I suddenly became this active. I feel exhausted today and honestly I really do just want to stay at home and sleep for the entire day.

Last Monday, I was part of a miracle. I was carrying within me a heavy burden and maybe I got tired from paying my traffic ticket, renewing my driving license (I'm amazed that LTO was able to give me my new one right away) and lastly lining upfor my car registration. I finished it before lunch and for me it was already a miracle considering that I finished everything in just four hours. I ate lunch and then at 2:00pm I went straight to pay for our electricity bill.

Before returning home, I decided to visit the Blessed Sacrament at the Sacred Heart. As soon as I entered the room, I immediately released all the things that I could think of why I was feeling so low and what were the reasons. I was exploding but realised I needed to calm down. Silence covered me with peace as I prayed. The latter partiss Jesus' response after a day of healing and preaching. He would go up a mountain and pray alone silently.

When I recovered my wits, I shared to God our present conditions and how we were struggling especially in our finances. Not us. But the people around us are really in need of our help and I was really pressured but at the same time I was also keeping my thought and tongue in check. I do not want to say or do anything that would compromise our relationship with our family. That's where God's grace came in like a storm.

At the end of my prayer, I asked God to just allow me a glimpse of His plan for us because so far I can only see fear reigning in me at the end of the rope there was none but only darkness. I was afraid. Just a glimpse that was all I asked for.

It is all about relationship with family. Our condition is temporary. It will pass but our family will remain. I will this inside my heart.

At night, My wife and I attended the prayer meeting. I was right away struck by the what was happening. First was the song about the "river of life". God was inviting me for I was tired and weary. Then it happened. God, right away answered my prayer. He said, "Marvin, you will see My Greatness at the end. You will see my undying love for you and your family. I will be with you right now and until the end of time." Is there anything more assuring than that?

I felt His presence as I heard this. Coincidentaly, the song at that time was "The Power of Your Presence." It was appropriate and really assuring.

Thank God for letting me choose my Family. Thank you for the Wisdom for understanding what is happening to us right now and though I may not fully grasp everything, Your presence in my life right now is enough. I will faithfully hold on to Your promise of a better tomorrow. It will be because You are there Lord. You are the Alpha and Omega. I felt your love. Thank you.

My life as it is.

I. As a Christian Catholic
II. As a Husband
Financial Manager
Provider
III. As a Son
IV. As a Community Member
V. As an Employee
VI. As a friend
VII. As a Badminton Player
VIII. As a Filipino

Imagine. I could define my life in these roles. My life limited but made simple by these important roles. Definetely, there are other small roles I could include but I think the important ones right now that I am aware of are the ones I mentioned (except maybe the badminton player in me..hehehehe). It helps to know that my attention and effort everyday should be focused in any one of these. If I do something else then I could easily say if I spent my day doing things truthfully. Too bad. I admit that I still have to improve. Obviously, I am not that focused and disciplined. If there is no one to pinpoint your weaknesses and strength then have your own way of knowing it. I think it is better to do it this way. One, there is no way but to be honest. I mean, lying to yourself is such a a dumb idea. Two, it would raise your self confidence by one degree or two. Three, you'll be in control of your destiny and will not require others to tell you what to do.

I'm hyped right now. Though, I can not yet consider it as a flame that could lift me up. But at least there is a glimmer of hope. There is a light burning in me. It is upto me whether I dowse it water or control its flame and allow it someday to burst into flame.

To be the best person that I can be. Down with MEDIOCRITY!!! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Cowardice....... Excellence and improvement.

Random Thoughts

It's nearing the end of March 2005. Three months of 2005 have already passed. Looks like 2005 has so many things in store for everybody. So many things are happening. I can say that these first three months have taught me a lot about life and how fast sometimes life can be. At first, I felt being on top of the world after getting married last December 2004 and a welcome news that my wife got pregnant and that finally I was out of former boss' shadows. Then, one fateful night my life crushed so fast that I wasn't able to hang on to anything. It was like falling from a skyscrapper and landing solidly. We lost our first child due to miscarriage. It hurts.

God rescued me, us from this situation. The difficulty we experienced was replaced with love. We saw the outpouring support and concern of our families and friends. I experienced feeling so helpless and yet under the loving arms of God. I knew then that everything will be alright. That we have a little angel in Heaven watching over us.

I realized yesterday that good isn't enough. I mean, we should always strive for excellence. It should be the best that we can be. Like, in the eyes of the world it may not the what they are expecting but you, in your heart and soul you knew that you've tried your darn best then that would be the "best".

Why am I saying this? I feel like living in mediocrity. I am just fine in everything and yet I feel unchallenged. I don't want to drift too far to the point that I will be complacent. I still want to achieve things. Develop new skills. Move up the ladder. etc etc etc... I know I could do it but there is this big gap separating me from these goals to where I am now. I must go up or else If I stay long enough in this state I would not notice being stuck or something.

It would make the skills I already have rusty. Hmmmmm.. I think I must make sure that still use these life skills.

Everytime my mother calls, she always shares their difficulties in US. Not that I am have no concern just that the pressure is sometimes distracting me. Do we really want to be there? Yes, but sometimes the beauty of things are being hidden by fears, pressures, worries.... I just realized she hasn't shared something positive. Especially, on what we are going to there. I don't feel so desperate to the point that I will set aside our goals and plans and yet there is feeling of being trapped. Go there and then what??? Ok. they will get what they want then what? I don't think I dream of diving into suffering when it is not even neccesary. Why have decided to be there?? *uurgh* I don't like this thought. I got to be free...

Returning and catching up

YES! I AM BACK. So many things happened while I was away to me and to the whole world, literally. whew... i haven't had time to breathe normally or maybe this is reality which will stick to me in years to come. Tsunami..... i will no longer discuss it but at the same time I won't close my eyes or turn away from this grim reality.

I am telling you. so many have changed. Look, I am wearing a wedding ring. From now on I will wear this ring until.....forever! Nine months from now another change will come. I will be a father! Great, isn't it? what a blessing. what a wonderful way of starting a year (except of course the Tsunami incident). On Monday, something might surprise me regarding my career. Who knows...

It is nice to be back but I won't let my happiness make be blind from the sorrows of other people. I won't and I choose to. I will not be able to really feel what they are feeling right now. But even a pinch of sadness I am willing to feel for them only to help unload some of the heavy burden they have now. Especially the children. I am one with my brothers and sisters in these places.

NOVEMBER 4, 2004. So many things have happened the past couple of weeks and I rarely had time to update my blog. For one, it is another four year term for Mr. Bush. Expect the war on terror campaign to nudge another level. A more aggresive campaign and I don't think the Americans will ever leave IRAQ as long as Mr. Bush is the Head of the most powerful state in the world. Especially now that he feels/thinks that he has the support of his fellowmen. Four years of war. I hope it won't escalate. Spare us Mr. Bush.

WHERE WILL I BE FOUR YEARS FROM NOW? hmmmmm... i don't want to think about it yet. I have so many concerns and pressing matters that to add another, unnecessary thought and push my brain to the limit is like suicide. I'm like a rally car right now. Going through rough terrain. Off road, muddy tracks, brakes and brakes but forging on to my goal. I hope I will reach the end still in one piece. I am sure I will.