Love visited me last night

Polo's cry woke me up. It wasn't that loud but he was already asking that his diapers be changed and he wanted to drink milk. I changed his diaper and carried him for awhile then gave him to Josephine so he can have his milk.

That was 1:30am. I tried going back to sleep but my mind started thinking about my life. While I thought it would lead me to wonderland after a few minutes, I was but went to my past only to find myself under the blanket of memories. I started five years ago, where I was what was happening around me. I thought having a car was the highlight of that year. An accomplishment considering that I never thought that I would be able to do so. BUT no, I didn't consider my car as the greatest event that year. It was saying goodbye to my mother and sister as they left for US. Wow, that was five years ago and Mariel is now all grown up. Then I went back 10 years ago hmmmmmm... there were a lot of things happened but I want to go back 15 years ago.

1992. The year of great humiliation as I was forced to look down at myself. Shoulders were down, head too heavy and embarass to lift. My world was crushed as I experienced the big trial in my academic life as a student. It was so great that for months I cried by myself endlessly. Self esteem, self worth, pride, hope...eveyrthing left me that year.

That was a year though of surrender not to the world but to God. I have given up hope but then faith found me as I allowed God to live in me.

August 25, 1992. Mariel was born. She was a blessing to us all but it is more special for me. I don't know. She was God's gift to me, an assurance that everything will be ok. Suddenly, I wasn't the daily subject of our existence. Mariel became the center of everything as she reunited everyone and healed a lot of aches and hurts. It was like she opened a new door to all of us.
People started smiling when it was gloomy and a lot of anger lingering around us prior to her birth. She changed everything. There, she was our angel. My angel.

I still think of you, Mariel. I have not forgoten you eversince the day you left. How can I? I can't and I will not. You will always have a special place in my heart. Even I am surprised sometimes that I still feel this way towards you. How I wished that you didn't leave. That would be self fish for I know even then that it would be harder for parents to leave all of their children. We can take care of ourselves but they must have you. I support Daddy's decision to leave and bear no negative feeling or what so ever. I only know that I miss you. Do you know that when I bade goodbye to you in the airport, I cried by self in the bus? I did. Even if there were people around me. I didn't care. The tears flowed and I can't stop it. You were gone.

I will not grow tired thinking of our dates. Just you and I. We didnt have a car then but it wasn't a problem. Your eyes becoming big out of excitement on Saturday morning as we were about to leave. For you, it was a very big day and I felt so happy seeing you like that. We walked and talked and planned of the day's activities. I found it funny that you were choosing to board a non-aircon bus than the convenient and comfortable FX. Mommy's influence. Inside the taxi, you automatically would fall asleep. As soon as you opened your eyes in cubao, your sleepy head would change as if we were going to something magical. The MRT was a treat for you. You loved riding it and then Makati. Hop hop hop.. run run run.. The two of us. (Today, we can go straight from the MRT to Glorieta without ever using the unfriendly stairs of MRT).

Timezone was a hit for you. Sometime the adult in me would interfere on what you were suppose to play and the games which I thought were too complicated for you. What the heck, it was your day and you can play anything and everything you wanted. I've lost you in Timezone as you sprint from one game to another. Wow, you were so happy Mariel to look at. I was happy too. If the credit runs out, you wouldn't insist on having more. You were contented. I was amazed that I didn't need to pull you out. You knew when to stop. ( I guess you still have that attitude/discipline until now.) Then we would have our lunch at any place you wanted. You ate like a lion. hahahahahahaha....

Of we go to Powerbooks which was a few blocks away from Glorieta (today, it is inside Glorieta already). You didn't know about that at first so you were awestruck to see hundreds of children books. Taking care of you was easy because you would just sit there and read books. Sometimes, we would buy something if budget permits but again you never insisted on buying something. I would just be happy watching you sitting there and reading and getting yourself confused on what to read next.

Time for a Merienda. Mc Donalds or Jollibee. Hahahaahahaha... as if you didnt get hearty lunch. You would devour what ever was ordered. Imagine, I didn't pay attention to the people around us. For me, it was your day and my eyes and mind were just focused on you and no one else.

Then we go home, as much as you would like to tell stories your tired body betrayed you. But I was sure that you shared everything to Mommy and Daddy. The following day, I would say goodbye and you would ask me when I will be back home (I was already living in an apartment). *Sigh* Even at this time, you were already breaking my heart. It was hard to say goodbye to you.

Mariel, we do not know when we will see each other again. I'm sure that day will come. Someday. I just want you to know that I love you and time will not outgrow it but rather it will be nourished. A friend of mine, Yvonne (you also know her) once promised me that neither time nor distance can separate friends. It is true, she is there and I still consider her as one of my truest friends. You will always remain a dear sister to me. I can not wait but to hug you once again. I am sure it is now all awkward for you but for me it is not. Even, if I have my own family now, your place inside my heart isnt replaced. You are still here within me my dear sister. I know that as day passes by so does our time together. I still long to see you everyday. I thanked God that there is YM as at least we could catch up.

I will be your brother no matter what and remember that in your heart as well. Maybe five years have already created a huge hole but love will always bind us together. No one has ever filled the emptiness since the day you left except God. I don't mind feeling this way. All I know and I understood that I have learned to love you and so I let it be. Take care of yourself and I do wish you well that you may grow and reach your dreams.

Yeah, I am still emotional until now. When I opened my eyes I saw Polo and Josephine. I embraced them for I know that love has just visited me last night.

To God Alone

"Wait for the Lord with courage, be stouthearted and wait for the Lord" Psalm

I will keep still and let everything take the back seat. It is the start of the Holy Week. Lord, I am not sure if I was truly able to prepare for this year's Lenten Season. I have been busy with so many things which you are important but there were also activities that should have been alloted for you. I remember you, Lord because You have called me. In commerating your suffering when you were here on earth, Lord I will spend a quiet time each day thinking nothing but you. Why you came here. Why you loved us so that you were more than willing to die for our sins. What is it, Lord? May I be one with You this week and I ask for Your grace to allow me to go to confessions. I offer you family, my work, friends, problems, plans, everything Lord that pre-occupy my time and my mind. I surrender them to you Father. I want to be close to you Father especially this week. On Easter Sunday, I will appreciate more what You have done for us, for me. A simple stubborn child of yours. May I feel Your love grow more and more. To love you and to know that You love me more than I do. More than this world can offer. More than the love I receive from my family and friends. So much Father, abundant love you have given me. I have experienced You working within me eversince. O Lord, my God and Father. I love you. Thank you so much for this life that You have given me though there was a time in my past that I seemed not to appreciate life. I was so full of anger and bitterness but You never gave up Father. Your faithfullness and mercy kept me safe. You healed my wounded heart with your love. I know and understand that I am where I am because of You alone. Many times I almost gave up but You always reached out and accepted me. NOt for what I have done but because simply I am Your child. I will praise and glorify You all the days of my life. Amen.


(no blogs for me for a week. I will be silent)

A Father now and a child still

Not too long ago, I remember
I was a child too
While I have my share of joys of being one
There were also moments of insecurities
Feeling of being unwanted and unguided

I was shaped with different experiences of happiness and sadness
Today, I treasure them all regardless how it was then
I have felt different emotions, in different degrees and intensity
I had a hardtime managing them and sometimes I was swept
Into a rampaging waves of emotions
Too difficult to bear and understand

My past had shaped me into who I am now
But I am not tied to any of my past for I have learned to be free
I earned my wings when it was clipped for so many years of humility
Yeah, those were the years I almost gave up
God strengthen me. "the Lord is with me, like a Might Champion!

Life has just begun
I am no longer a child in the eyes of many
But in God's I am still
I do not mind the thought of the world
It isn't my concern anymore

I have child and it is now my time to be a Father
It has started the moment when I exchanged vows with my wife
Then became reality when Polo came to life
I will let it be. I will be a Father and a child

I will no longer forget the lessons of my years here oon earth
The truth is, the longer I age the more I see Jesus' face
The more there is about Him that I have to know
The more I will let him rule over me
He is my Father and I am his child

Too tired to think

I am seeing stars and moon during the day. I average maybe 3 to 4 hours of sleep a day for the past 5 weeks. I lost I think five pounds (it took me months before to shed 5 pounds which I gained back after a month of merry making and now it's gone. yipee!!! five more to go! ). Physically, I am tired but I don't mind. There is joy in spending time with my growing boy.
As I metioned in my previous posts, I love looking at him and when he snuggles on my chest and sleep, wow! totally amazing. I wouldn't trade it to anything. No way!

Zombie, zombie, zombie...........

How I wish I am home now. Carrying Polo, singing, telling him story, conversing, and I do make "alaska" to him already. He seems to have music preference already. He calms down in some songs while some have no effect to him. But when he is hungry, no songs can stop him form crying. hahahahahaha.... That's my boy! He knows what he wants and focused on getting it.
Last night, I let him sleep on my chest while I watched Prison break 2. Awesome. You know feeling him breathing and squirming and feeling his heart beats are the joys of a new father. I'm sure a lot can relate to that.

I went to the grocery last night (again) and I really can't stop myself from buying diapers, baby wipes..etc., We now have packs and packs of diapers. I am trying to look for the best brand of diaper for Polo that is less costly. So far, we've been altering Pro Kids and EQ. Just around Php6.00 per piece. We haven't encountered any problem with them yet. Though, later on I will try the more expensive ones to see if there will be any difference. We wanted Pamper's Swaddlers which my mom gave to us. It was good for new born. Unfortunately, it isn't available here in the Philippines.

Gone are your small pair of socks

Our little Polo is growing up and getting heavier each day. Last night, we noticed that the socks he was wearing was too tight on his legs. Garter marks around his tiny ankles. His hands and feet are bigger and I guess he got that from the Agustin. Except me, almost everyone in the family has big hands and wide feet. :)

Polo opens his eyes longer than before looking around as if he is in deep thought. All along, he is just concentrating on how to poop. hahahahahaaha...My eyes would sometimes fixed on him and I can't still believe that here, I have a baby!!! Having Polo now in our lives, does help me to be more focused and somehow he was able to stir something within me to aim for more things. After all, I really hope I can provide him a good education maybe a La Sallian (like us.;) ) or maybe an Atenean education. Got to work hard for it and plan how many children we will have.

I love my wife more than I used to. I can't even imagine that it was actually possible to reach a new level in loving her. This love is something new. Wow. Sometimes I would look at them while they are sleeping and I can't help but be overwhelmed by emotion. Here is Josephine who was just an ordinary friend of mine 13 years ago. That friendship was nourished with time as it evolved into loving each other and exchanging "I do's" and now we have a handsome, adorable and charming child. I can see myself in little Polo physically but so far he got his mother's mannerism!

Sorry for the pictures. They were taken from our reliable 24/7 ready nokia phones. :)

It is confirmed! Polo will be baptized on Easter Sunday. Exactly forty days after he was born. Remember, it was Ash Wednesday?!! :) *sigh* how time flies! Josephine shares to me that sometimes she just want to freeze a moment so she can fully enjoy being with Polo. Even though, Polo is not giving her enough sleep, Josephine would prefer that he remains a little one. Me, on the other hand can't wait to hear his first laughter.... it will come very soon. :)

Thank you Lord for a wonderful gift!

1st Month of Polo

Here's where we had our first date as a family! Though, just breast milk for little Polo. He didn't mind. Also, was not yet aware that Toy Kingdom was just a floor away from him. : )

Hahahahaha..he looks like a doll. Now you see why he is adorable and charming. He got it from his mom whom we accompanied in the underwear section. hahahahahahahahaha.. not that cool.

Here's what you ordered Little Mister. He gulped it in less than 15 seconds but he was satisfied. Few times when I can feed him. Mommy is cheating. hehehehehehehehehe.

Polo before his spongebath at night. Startled? or focusing on something not quite friendly to our sense of smell. Poop machine!!! hahahahaha.. Though, Polo now is smiling more and Josephine was able to picture that moment but it is too small and I still have to download it to my computer?


--------------------------------------------

Today is Polo's first month! :) He isn't that fragile anymore and he eats a lot now. His cries' tunes have changed but they still the same thing. 1. hungry 2. dirty diapers and 3. need of comfort. He moves a lot and enjoy opening his eyes more than it was weeks ago.

How can you spoil an infant???? and who does not want to embrace a little child while he is still a child??? I will carry him and and place him on my chest and hug him and sing to him.. etc etc., the heck with the old sayings but now books, no doctors have agreed to this old saying. Anyway, when a boy learns how to walk, I am definitely sure that he would prefer to run around than being carried for a long time. They are like a "turompo" or a playing top. Spinning just about anywhere. I'm sure I was like that.

Last Sunday, we went to mass as a family. Then, Josephine needed to get something important in SMART and then we went to SM Makati to buy some stuff for Josephine and Polo. The stares varied from total amazement why on earth we brought this little child in a crowded place and some found little Polo very cute. Hmmmmm... well, we do not have a choice, we can not leave Polo alone in the house.

Polo was well behaved. I think he only cried twice. One, hungry and two, needed to change his diaper. He didn't cry while changing his diaper and didn't cry at all when he was awake. I'm sure he was surprised why there were a lot of noise around him. When we went home, Polo slept longer than usual before asking for milk. :) Good for Josephine!

Johnsons and Johnsons' baby wipes with no diaper rash is a fluke. We've been using Pigeon's and Pro Baby's and there was no rash then we tried J&J, grrrrrrrr... we weren't even able to use more than half of the wipes when Polo got rashes. Horrible! They shouldn't declare that because it isn't true. Yeah, it depends on individual baby's skin reaction. The more they shouldn't say that then.

Happy 1st month birthday to you, little Mr. Agustin! I love you.

Our little boy is three weeks old!

My favorite activity: Sleeping
"Hello, fans! Whew, it's hard to be an instant celeb!"

" Not too close, Dad. My girls might see us!"

"I love you, Mommy!"

Diapers, wipes, baby clothes, alcohol, wet cotton balls, bottles, etc etc etc., :) Happy to have them in our room. Our world is now revolving around our little Polo. Having him our lives right now is something beyond explaining.... :) It is like being in love for the first time. Overwhelming! There is so much love and it does fills up all the emptiness.

Polo is now 3 weeks old. Purely living on breastmilk. Praise God. We are aware that it is best for babies and at the same time helping us reduce cost somehow. Isn't he a blessing? He is so cute that it isn't hard for one not to blink whenever you look at him. He cries and still it is music on our ears. I mean his cry isn't irritating at all nor alarming. Polo is just communicating that he is hungry or requesting us to change his diapers.

I just my first camera (ever). A good one and my darling Josephine gave me a go signal. Hurray! I'm busy studying the different features and hopefully master them one day. Polo will be baptized on April 8 (hopefully) and so my camera will have its first major client. Now, who will volunteer to take pictures. I surely want to be part of the pictures and not the one taking pictures. Either Phipo or Arland will do it.

Amazing Love

"In Your hands is my destiny"-Psalm

How comforting it is to know that even if I am in a chaotic environment I still find my self surrounded with peace and love because of my family and good friends. Outside my protective shell, I see lies of all sorts, deception, greed and everything one can ever imagine. Of course, it is all mixed up with goodness. However, sometimes it is hard to distinguish what's truly black and what's white. You know what I mean. I am pressured, helpless in a sense and guilt would creep very slowly until I am consumed. Result??? Restlesness, fear, anxiety, anger etc., But something would rule over all of these unwanted negativite feelings. Grace from God. His love conquers all.

See. Usually, it would just take a minute or two whenever I feel the pressure of this world for me to realize how much I am loved. God takes away my blindness and allows me to see His plans for me. He isn't finished with me yet. Because His true mission is for us to see each other face to face in heaven. That's where my destiny is. True. So much is happening around and some of them are beyond my limited control and yet I feel God's assurance that everything will fall into its proper place in His time. As I wait, I will wait joyfully and grasp to my expectant faith to keep things in proper perspective.

Praise God. My wife and child are both healthy. I have a very cute boy Polo. Yes, the hospital's and doctor's bill were quite expensive but we have that amount of money for the welfare of Josephine and Polo. Nothing is lost. We are blessed financially I know because in spite of all the expenses we have, God have not fall short. We have food, clothe and shelter. He provides. I am sure as Polo get's older God's blessings will also pour like rain. This year is Jesus' year!

2007 is about blessings upon blessings. Trials will come for us to welcome more blessings. I love you Lord. Your promises are here and some are within my grasp. I will faithfully wait and continue to honor You with these blessings. I will not feel empty nor deprived because more than anything else Your love for us is already enough.


Every morning you stare blankly into nothingness
Maybe you have created a world within your mind
Where your heart has followed
Why live in pain and fear?

Do you really have to look far and find nothing there?
Do you really have to feel isolated and unwanted?
Why do you continue to soak yourself with tears of despair?
Why must you be in this kind world?

whisper. I love you.
Dont have to look but just listen to my words.
I love you. I whisper in your ears once again.
I love you.

I am your Father. I am here for you and I see you
Even the world you have carefully hidden from others I am there
Here, feel my arms covering you. I will keep you warm and secured

I feel your anguish my child
You are never alone. Never will be.
Come and join me to a place that I carefully built for you
In here, you will never be sad nor troubled

Follow me and let My love for you be your strength
My gifts are all over just pick them and they are yours
Do not be afraid for I am here
Always.

Here we go. The boat has sailed

My blog will be filled with my son's pictures for sure. No more room for posting my daily reflections. I will try to fix this up later. I'm sure I only need to add some blog application to make it more organized.

Anyway, here we are a week has passed by and that's how young Polo is and how long we've joined the parenthood club. Oh true, true all true. Those stories of not having enough sleep, diapers, diapers and diapers, breastfeeding bonding between Josephine and Polo (it is not that easy), changing of clothes, carrying him in our arms, bathing time etc etc., 24 hrs of watching over him. The best thing about it is that we don' t mind. I am not yet exhausted because I feel refresh everytime I see him and everytime I look at my wife carrying our baby. Too much love to be tired. I also understand that it is more physically demanding to Josephine since she is the only one who can feed Polo (almost every hour after the clock struck 12 midnight). I'm sure my smiles, reassurance and helping out are greatly needed. Ok. I do am willing to deny myself and I do not mind!

Thank you Lord for Polo and of course for Josephine!

Juan Paolo Andre

Here are some of Juan Paolo Andre M. Agustin's (or Polo for short) first pictures

4D Ultra sound at 7 months

He looks like an angel to me! :)

Awwww..look at him feeling safe in his mother's arm! :)

.......more picture soon

A Short one

"If you can! Everything is possible to one who has faith!" MK9: 14-29


We are done with all the shopping for our son's arrival. Everything is in order and we are just patiently waiting for Juan Paolo Andre to spring out to this world. The grandparents from both sides are full of excitement. Boxes will arrive from US and it mostly has his things in it. Our room now is already filled with Polo's stuff. Thanks to my in-laws, Polo has his own place in the room already. A wooden-white crib! : ). Jopay and I assembled it last Saturday night. Our friends from Smart on the other hand gave Polo his own car (stroller). Great! He has his own cabinet since his clothes are already pushing my clothes out of our cabinet. Ok, Polo. You may come now! :)

I breathe in the goodness of this world
As I breathe out the things of past
Renew my heart today, Lord
Strenghten my spirit

Amen

Poem or letter

You are always in my mind
Not a single day that I have not thought of you
Every where I look I place a mental image of you
To see you, would bring much joy to all of us

I read to you three different magical stories last night
I knew you were listening as I felt your kick in your Mommy's womb
After our story telling, I spent an hour or so
Imagining the things we are going to do

I filled in the gaps but I know later on
You will be part of the decision making
I guess I will enjoy everything while you are still a child
A time will come when I have to let go of you

That will be, hmmmm maybe the middle chapter already
I will not jump into that yet
Today and while you are still a child
We will do things together

In the later part of your childhood I hope to guide you
I hope impart to you wisdom and help you
I wish you to be independent and later on interdependent
Then you are ready to go into this world

There are just two important lessons in life
that I wish you will take with you as grow up

One. To love and honor God with all of you heart, soul and mind
Allow Him to be your true Father
I wish that you will establish a personal relationship with him
and feel His comforting life to surround you.

Two. My child, love your mother. Never miss a day without letting her know
How much you love her and how much you appreciate her. Let her know how beautiful she is
Not only from the outside but in the inside as well. Take care of her until she grows old and weary. I'm telling you. She is not difficult to love. It is so easy. Just look at her and you will see what I mean.

Life they say is too short. I guess it is
So, when you come on board.
We will have fun and enjoy this life
We will make beautiful memories together.

I love you.

I am Sick

I am sick since yesterday and I shouldn't be sick. I have to be strong and healthy especially in the days to come. I have a flu. It is really hard when the weather is so hot then suddenly be in a room that is so cold. I just felt getting sick the other night. It isn't a full blown sickeness since I'm hoping that I will be cured by the meds that I am having now. Though, I think rest is still the best remedy of all. I have to rest. It is useless to work feeling this way. No energy.

Chili, our fish I think is dead. I saw her aquarium empty this morning, without water. :( The thing is, no one has yet informed us whatever happens to our little fish. She lived a long life. Several people told me before that fish like that will only last for just a few months. She lived for more than a year. Well, I knew that she has changed from a bright colored fish (that's why she is Chili) to a white one. She has done her purpose in our lives. Her presence helped us relax after a tiring day. The children loved looking at her and later on she became part of the sala. A bigger, wider world for her! Wher ever you are Chili, thank you so much for your stay! :) We are happy to have had you in our life. Too bad, our son Polo wasn't able to see you anymore. Maybe another fish will come!

Josephine and I went to the cemetery last Saturday to visit my grandfather, Papang. It took myabe ten minutest before I was able to find his tombstone. He died when I was still young but I can remember being in his boat! Yup, he is a Captain! I introduced our little one to this great man. Polo is named after two great men. One a Captain (my lolo) and the other one a Principled Lawyer (Josephine's lolo). If one day Polo asks us why he was named Paolo and Andre then we can proudly explain to him where his names (he will have three names) came from. I do hope that he will be able to live a life like his great grandfathers! I was just surprised to find out though that my father (Igmidio) was named after his grandfather (Emihio). My dad became Igmidio because of his gradeschool teacher but it his birth certificate it was Emihio. Imagine, I continued something that I wasn't aware of.

just some notes:

1. TK, thanks for your comments. How lovely are the ladies in your life! I have shared your blog to my wife and we both agreed that they are indeed little cute Princesses! May God continue to shower you with His blessings!

2. Tin - his name will be, Juan Paolo Andre M. Agustin and the number 7? :) it happened last Friday. It is promising so please pray for us and someday I can freely share it with you. Basta, I was very happy after it happened and now I have to wait.

3. Pia - ey, Amori is now a starbucks baby? :) how cute!

4. Others: my other readers from the different parts of this world. Please feel free to drop a comment or two. :)

thank you all!

Ephphata! (Be Opened)

That was part of the gospel reading (Mk 7:31-37) that struck me. Jesus cured a deaf man by saying ephphata! The gospels lately were all about healing. It is a good time to pray for others who are sick. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. For sure, His mercy will be given to those who seek and believed. Have faith my friends! Seek the healer just like the mother of a dead girl, or the woman who was bleeding for years. Jesus performed miracles to all of them. Even to the Gentiles.

I chased the wind to all corners of the world
I followed the waves until it disappear in the shore
I counted the stars only to find more
Nothing worth pursuing

Unless
You stand on your own
Define your heart's desire
Align yourself to God's plan for you
Follow Him follow Him

Our hearts belong to God
It knows His voice
A voice full of hope and compassion
Set your heart free

Then bow to your knees at the end of the day
In humility, give back to God the glory
Accept in open arms His guidance
and rest in His arms

Two weeks and six days

If you've been following my stork updates, you will notice that the little Pilot is nearing its destination, "Welcome to your life". I can't wait to hold you in my arms. To spend sleepless nights with you. I really, really, really won't mind. For me as early as now, I see it as my an opportunity to be close to my son. A time to get to know him and to imprint in my mind his little face and create every situation into beautiful memories. I'm lucky I have this blog because later on, he will be able to read our story. I can imagine myself feeding him while I watch over him or simply watching tv or playing PS2. Whatever. It will be a grand time for both of us. I promise you that Little Mr. Agustin!

I'm exited with so many things unfolding before my eyes. And, it is just February! Truly, God is in our midst. He is here. February has so many events to attend to. I think I mentioned it before but I want to repeat it. 1. Jaz's bday. 2. Lunch with family (Agustin and Mara) 3. End of Pre natal class. 4. Baves' wedding 5. Ethan's first birthday 6. Of course, a chance that Mr. Polo will be delivered this month. 7. An --------- from a dream ---! :) Go figure it out.

Then March will come. Hmmmm.. I will just wait for March to come before I say anything about it. We are so busy this Feb that I should just keep my focus here in the present moment.

I have a question. Is coffee really good for your body? Or, is it bad? I am a coffee drinker. Three full mugs a day. I think it is good but I realized that I might be getting addicted to caffeine. I dont want that! I decided not to drink anymore coffee before sleeping (it has no effect on my sleeping). I will lessen my coffee intake. Promise. Like when I gave up drinking softdrinks. At first it was really difficult because I long for it. Now, I am not sure what part of my brain just decided to boycott softdrink drinking. I don't look for it anymore.

Simple Day

I silence my heart today
Let myself be quiet even for just a while
It is in this moment when I hear You clearly

Not only in the night when I usually call You
Not when the lights are out
But right now, I want You to be with me

Work with me. Coach me. Lead me.
I bring You here and allow You to be near me
Let Your wisdom overcome my arrogance
Humble me and teach me patience

I am comforted with Your presence
It makes me more confident, knowing I will never go wrong
I only have to follow You
My Lord, My God

The little boy is near

"Few more weeks to go, Mom". Finally, our little child will be out of your tummy. I'm sure carrying him for more than nine months brought so much change in you. Physical and emotional. What a sacrifice you have done to bear our child. You never have been or will ever be categorized as a difficult pregnant woman. Nope. I never experienced any extra ordinary requests that required extra ordinary effort from me nor from anyone.

The long wait is about to end and your sacrifice will be forever appreciated and remembered especially by me. I will live as a father teaching our son (or children) to love you and respect you forever. You will always have a special place in our hearts.

When the day of the delivery comes, I will just be on your side. To give you the support more than I have ever given you. It will be all about you and our son. I will take care of you guys as I ought to do. I am not afraid to enter this fatherhood because I know I am guided by our Father above. I am ready.

The countdown has begun and as the days pass by I am but all excited. I am thrilled to imagine how our little room will be in chaos, full of baby clothes, bottles, crib etc etc., I am happy to live in such chaos. I'm sure it will not bring the grouchiness in me but instead just pure joy. Something I have never experienced before. I am also excited to hear our son's first cry and laughter, giggles. Yeah, I can't wait to see him.

I love you my dear Josephine and thank you so much for bearing our child.

Relaxation technique by Josephine

January is over. Good bye! I kept myself busy but maybe not enough. Or maybe it was. There were times that I have so many concerns inside my head. If you split my brain into two, there you will see all the things that beg for my attention. There was a time when I asked Josephine what she was thinking because she was just staring blankly. I was intringue to know of course. It could be a problem or something. She said, "Nothing". Can that be possible??? (Nope, we weren't fighting or had an argument before the blank stares). I asked more and probe what exactly was she thinking. Still she said nothing. She wasn't thinking of anything at all. I can't believe it. If I stop talking and be quiet, most probably I would spend it thinking of something. What I have done so far in that day, my plans, concerns, funny things, what kept me busy, basketball games, politics, problems of the world... etc etc., in other words I have so many uncessary "thought issues" that are sometimes unnecessary. Yeah, it is good to know but sometimes I must learn not to entertain such thoughts. Live for the moment.

Anyway, going back to my wife. Ok, what was Josephine thinking at that moment? She shared to me her thought at last. She said that she is glad that she is home on a soft bed resting and it feels good to by just lying and relaxing. Not having to think of anything important but to rest. Whoa. whoa. whoa whoa.... I never did that ever! Whenever I am about to sleep I think of...you know the story.. so that's the reason why my wife can sleep peacefully in a jeepy. Imagine I learned something simple and yet so important. I felt sad that all throughout my life, that's not how I sleep. I should learn to relax then.

I'm happy that my YM is back. I can chat with my sister, Mariel once again. Almost five long years since I've last seen her. She is now 14 yrs old. Good thing is allowed to use the internet and I have access in the office too. Hmmmm... I feel that she is doing fine. She has straight A's. I haven't heard any complaints from our parents. Unlike me when I was still young.. hahhahahahaahahhahaha.. I was there headache. But I want to believe that I turned out ok eventually. :)

Time to end it. Thank you, Lord for January and I love everything that I learned during that month and I welcome February. There is so much to look for this month. Feb. 2 will be our 8 yr anniversary as bf/gf. The day when we both gave our commitment to one another. Feb. 7 is Princess' birthday and how time flies. She's an adult now. Feb. 14 is Valentines day. And Who knows, maybe this month Polo will arrive. :)

Why, why and why

"Let us rid ourselves of ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus"- Heb 12:1-4

Sometimes I feel like exploding. Like.... right now. You know, just to let go of this anger or emotion that that want to rule over me. I am patient and remains subdued. How long should I wait??? Or keep to myself?? Me, a diplomatic and respectful citizen of this world. Mahirap, because sometimes I just brush it aside and forget all about it. The thing is when it happens, I know that this feeling is getting bigger. A monster within me.

What's wrong? I resent somethings but I am not willing to share it publicly so here it goes my expression in another language.

1. dkaadfadf;akd adfajdkfjadk ajd anweo waaljd atkadlf ad akdfoaid famdkwpsdkf asd akdjfa dj adfalkdfalkdujfia 'woetn gikd agdlsp al ang dksp reila spajdlfai s alksena t'aeout ansdofga'jiaen f aosdkngas pbaulaskd fayd'wp na ahdlnni and faidla dfgausela alauerpw la saiw wlaaldfaol fa d adflkjasioe ka adfoajdfkauwpwuteit349ns ap9eu ekha 9 sla fgaso siaaljg a;;a ang;a ad habapasdp[af adfladfb aodikjasd fpas whia sndopa amoia a;ljdfa andiwp0tnh alajdn gkaia bng ang gjdiag naig al gaudw934'ja af's ednad ahtapasdkjfat hauy7=wej ahdjdf (hmmm i feel better). assepwetb ai asi tee japsdo tpo lajsuit laudlfhasien the ahalg a gae;ojwp ti asaowetrhing ahtsldkfja smoe a;sdjfadf hakjoiw wiha ap[ . hawperja athas tald fa;dlmfa df;aldf o fuias;ldfa.

2. adfjalsdfdpo that i sla sdf aorapoe asdjfas dfa hdaldkfaid ia lasndfpao andalda][-dhf akdhuw aspowjp9oe akdnf aidhfaldkj akladfa[pdabyflkjoiad aidjad aeakjfla dhtalk dakh;is ahofia alka;iuae lkdfid fnca ata ake;aoskasdg alasdhas asidkf asdif asdf' tghasdf ahasdk. kajdfjaidfaeasd dfadkfjadpoiadkfakjui9a da'lkjdfkadfj daljafdifwead akldfjaidfajhdfa' aidjfa'oh8we834j' 83 a'jfadiuf aejakdfahd8fa wejdfaejaoi a9dfua'djfa9is adjfa9sd fa'jadfiadf adfy283r'kdjf a8edjfkajd aiakjdf aiouakdjfaiod falkej90dfakjadaj faojdkjfaidfa 'jadfj'ajs9we'pajf'apodja9 a'djad'paojsf aodjfa9sd 'asdjfadf a'djfa8idf a'we3j aufa'dfjadfua 'aodjfagepojh sdhfa;eih adfiahdf8e n iahdf;oahdf aeifd faid fad8ifw khfaja aghase akdhf8a akjf9aew a'9239r nhasdif8hase9 f'hadf a'eihasd fatakajdf

3. adfiouad9 a9a ao9s ataiga aitgai89 athaspoj83 adhfa8d aew oidfoiahd82 y23'u rqeiruqw[r89q e9u fdaifa90udfad w9urqe..dfaodjfa0[894 fadfa84 'dkfua89d a'2938r ofjas8udeoae af'aodf84 dfkja aeskndiad 49 i'ajafjkfgkjdfgu9s galdjiaudf a'dpouf9ae dka 'fiuad faiaeudasdkdht0[0ad ajtek askladpoa as'poui209 adfad aidfa plnadfkadf akdfiauw asdlfasdifa sdfnaeiwi asidnaseiw90wrnea sdifja'sdioujfa jwiah ap;ljk9a takle ja'kdljfo9as anduat wenskdit lkwit a'aiwuer auietras dif akan d. neepokpdjfa' dfiahsu8e8w5y23 soti4he aodhfasidf adkdka apdjakdfj a8erwp'eja dfjhaiojad fa'dfjadiojfa ajfad aknhdfalj faoiy kadf;ha8w3 asidfuaksma 2p83 aopdfjadfa dfiadfha7dqa aduj fa8 asdkfaio dfasldfkjau74ajh7a kjdah7df a8uw asadfaad adfkjadui adfadfuakadadfha

4. ikdfjaodijfaidf adfadfkajdf ad'fjadufas'djf asdifasioje 'apdjfau8d fakdjfausdfa foihadofj adoifa'jdfakjdfiajd f'adjfaifka soad;lmfaiduf adljfhiasd'fkja tlqrp89w yeoja ;fohiapd fjaodfhpa 78ytrpaj epfya9u dfnbauy dfg8owyh4rjagtfadfhlaidsfjlahdfiadfhauidfhoandfia dalkdjf;aioujdf adpfjaoidjf asd0fyw4884hiai fadfya /'psdfjha8y fhadfh7as dfaiys fa/dfjh aba jf'pau84rka dfajsdify basfjaofyh ahfyatsdufh a;dfiyhay 8fadfhi adfuh adfy ;aphfadfhagfja[ru38y7r'pak;oay fa9yf apdfu a;dfj ;a8yr3 aegha89e rasdfy adfabysepw289yqw0ena bspfuqwe ra0dfu apfyw98r; a'spfy9 afhao df;ap/jf ;af'[akdf;oashpgks9guyw0[9erk afhafu a'pufy a'pf uayf ua'fafuas' fa;ou'wirpndkljn0oau fapfj adfnja8fya'fjioaufyasda afp'auf apfoja8swojapi uf'a a;poijf;paufp'aj faspfj af;hadfja8sdf apdfu a'fjoua bdf'apjdf89aye3 'apufha8eifj a;dfy afu as fap fasf jasdf8as'fja;od fap;a fa;osfh;oasdfasfpokljadfoaeujrf sd.

whew!! that feels great!! nope, dont try to dicepher because i just randomly stroke the keys so there is no way anyone can really intrepret this. it will not make any sense. I know it's substance but if wil let me translate it, it would be impossible. Later on, I might not even remember what this is all about. :)

Basta, I feel better and I said my piece with respect. :)

Weekend Tidbits

Josephine's surprise baby shower (Saturday)
Pia/Tin, you should've been there! : ). She cried! hehehehe

I guess that must be my first successful "surprise" for Josephine. It was darn hard to keep it to myself and I got nervous each passing day before the shower event. Because, I have the tendecy to give clues to Josephine and I can't because she will be able to connect all my weird behavior. She didn't!! hahahahaa and she thought it was Tyronne's bday celebration! Then lo and behold, our friends were there to surprise her. : )

The guests were: Chi and Dandy, Mian, Corr, Dodie, Abbie, Eloy, Jojo B., Puchete, Rad, Baby Isabela (here two Yaya's) and of course the Mara and Tan's. Thanks to the organizers! Joane and Princess! :) Good good.

Now, my little boy needs his own cabinet! He has a lot of stuff already and it is occupying a lot of space in our cabinet. I'm sure my clothes will be the first to go. hehehehe. Josephine has already started making patches for our baby's clothes. Of course, she will not be able to needle all of his name in one small patch or even his little clothe! :) He has afterall a long name.

Pre natal class (Sunday)

Three more weeks to go and we will graduate! hehehehe. I was teasing Josephine, what if you give birth before we can even finish this class? Are we going to fail? No WAY!!! :) I will attend the class still and I am sure that they will find it strange that my pregnant wife isn't with me. hahahaha.. But I want to finish it. ( I wish I have the same attitude when I was still studying! )

Imagine, Josephine will be in her 36th week tomorrow! Whoa............Whoa...........whoa........ It means, she can give birth anytime now! How we wish we can predict when! But that would certainly ruin all the action and drama and comedy of the whole thing! :) I like the class because aside from learning and understanding a lot about pregnancy, I can feel this certain confidence that we will just do fine. It is like we are prepared mentally and emotionally but of course I understand that I can not really compare it to the real thing.

Yesterday, I saw a father and a son. What caught my attention was how youg the boy is. Maybe he is around 9-10 years old while his father is already in his 40s. Me? When my first born is 10 years old then I will also be in my 40s. hahahahaha.. same thing. "Go son, get the ball while I wait for you here (resting)!"Oh, darn he isn't tired yet!" " Let's play ball, first to five (5) only!". "Why don't we just play chess" Oh, Wow! Chess will be our sport then! hahahahahaha....

On a deeper level, I realized that if the average life span of Filipinos (male) is let's say around 65 years old then I have reached half of my life already! Whew! What a race this life is! First of all, I am happy how I turned out to be (so far..: ) ). Maybe not in the standard of the human eyes but just my own eyes. It isn't perfect but I know beyond all of this, God loves me! That's it! For the first half of my life, I know and I have felt God's presence in my life. It dawned on me, that really there is no sense to fool around in one's life. Life is just too short. There shouldn't also be no rooms for anger and unforgiveness because it could really waste a lot of good opportunities.

Anyway, I guess it is time to get busy with my second half of my dear life.

To know Christ more and more for the next 3o+ years of my life
To be a faithful and loving husband to Josephine
To be a good example to my children by being a Christian father to them
To do my best to serve my commnunity/country in what ever way I can (no pressure..: ) )

"Those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance" from Heb 9:15,24-28

Rule in the Midst of Your Enemies

"Rule in the midst of your enemy" -Psalm

Strong, bold and direct divine instruction! But it had me thinking for a few thought seconds. God, I do not really have identified enemies. Do I have any? Hmmm... let me look around here. Who are my enemies and I will rule over them. hahahahaha. Okay, I didn't need to wander around looking for enemies or creating one. I realized that "enemies" can be viewed as the things that hinder me to praise Jesus. Things that I do habitually which separate me from God.

It struck me that this is harder. My own is enemy is myself. : (. Ok, I am not yet physically hurting myself just yet. No need for any straight jacket. After awhile, I did see my "internal enemies". God sees them too and they are my weaknesses and yet Jesus said "RULE IN THE MIDST OF YOUR ENEMY". He didn't say that "rule your enemy".

I admit Lord my weaknesses. Those that I am aware of and those maybe I haven't realized just yet. But Jesus, Your trust in me push me to focus on what lies ahead. The banner says, "Jesus' Year!". I will not look forward to serve my King. Jump over those bad habits, climb over those sins, swim across the turbulent emotions. No, not these can stop me from knowing this year. I dedicate this year to you Lord, every month, every week, every day! I persist and thrust myself to Your loving arms everyday! I am not afraid because I know I will not fail. I see you now and I know I will still see you at the end. I believe in my heart that you will open my eyes. You will give me a wider horizon, a clearer view of who You are.

Lord, let me praise you everyday. In everything I do let it always be for Your greater glory and nothing else.

Amen.

Waiting for Polo

Oh, we saw our little kiddo. Shy or annoyed at first (he was covering his face with his two arms) and the Doctor even discouraged us to have the 4D. But NO!!! We waited several months and we had several discussions until we decided to have this 4D.

The doctor showed to us what Polo was doing and we were a bit sad because we can not see his face then the doctore told us that Josephine can try walking for five minutes and see if he will move his arms. I was the timer and it was more than five minute of walking (hehehehehe).. The technician checked our little boy. Half successful! One arm was still covering his face. The technician then shook Josephine's tummy and asked her to cough. After several attempts, there he was. sleeping. like a........ baby. :) They said he looked like me. Oh no, not another Marvin in this world!! hehehehe. He was mostly pouting and frowning but we managed to see a simple smile from my son. Yipee...:) Priceless!!! (good thing I have my Visa citibank card.. hahahahaha). I will not post his alien-look picture just yet. We will wait when he is out of the tunnel. :)

Another whew, we are attending pre-natal classes and there are four more early Sundays to go. Informative yup and it is also nice to hear other's experiences while the women are pregnant and also to see my fellow males supporting their wives. Though, it made me think about others especially those who do not have access to these programs. Four more weeks to go and we will have a certificate and by that time I hope I will be more ready to be part of the whole labor and delivery activities. Not just someone who is waiting.

My lola is here and so does my cousin who has been living in US for quite a while. It was the first time that she met Josephine. My first time to see little Adam. On Friday, my brother in law will arrive as well and it will be the first time that Mamang and Dandy will see each other. Feel good about everything. My cousin, Ate May was able to read our contribution in Didache. Cool. :)

My Citibank

Yes, I got my citibank card after weeks and weeks of waiting. The funny thing is, I got it the day I published my previous post. Too late but still appreciated. I asked some simple questions to the messanger who delivered my card.

1. Was it hard to look for me that you have to dial my local several times? Answer: No, Sir.
2. Did I make you wait? Answer: No, Sir.
3. How many times did you try to deliver this card to me? Answer: Just today, Sir.
4. Weren't you the one who attempted to deliver it to me before? Answer: No, Sir.
5. Do you belong to the same courrier/company? Answer: No, Sir.

I rest my case your honor. I told you I like citibank and there is a certain feeling of being a citibank cardholder. I do even appreciate the reminders from their collection dept when I am about to be deliquent (because I do not receive my bills on time. OK, now I am more conscious of my billing cycle unlike before when I just wait and pay.but Man, it costs me so much).

However, when it is time to replace my card..whoa whoa whoa... I hope I wont lose my card, break it, or receive another upgrade... my card will expire on 2009... whew!!!! It was really a night mare..night mare..night mare.... I was able to use my card the following day until yesterday and I even used it to pay for our elec bills.... I forgive my citibank.. but I will not forget this experience..

CITIBANK CARD: MY FIRST HEADACHE in 2007

During the latter part of November 2006, I received a phone call from a very excited and pleasant Citibanker. He was happy to inform me that I was qualified to be upgraded from a silver card holder to a Gold card holder! I (and my little, simple joys ) was delighted of this news even if I do not really know or care to know the differences between the two. Well, for me I already have a credit card and that's about it. Even with so many horror stories about having one. Of course, during the early part of my life I also struggled maintaining one. What's with high credit limit but just earning minimum.

Anyway, going back to my new upgraded citibank gold card. I agreed to be upgraded but as early as that first call I carefully explained my sad experience with new cards particularly in receiving them so I gave the person instructions and expressed my concern that I do not want to wait too long to receive my new card. The citibanker guaranteed me, promised me, assured heaven and earth that card will be at most be delivered in two weeks. Ok. fine with me. At least that will be just in time for Christas shopping. The only time in the year when one is authorized to shop and shop (with my wife) and I plan to charge them all to my credit card to earn points since I just received citibank's holiday rewards brochure. I was motivated.

Then after two weeks, I called to follow up on my card. Here started my nightmare. I heard a familiar EXCUSE... my card was with their courier and it might take another week or two for them to deliver it. TWO WEEKS AGAIN! I calmly (again) expressed my concern about not being able to use for Christmas and also I asked if I can still use my old card. I can't because they already disconnected it because of the new gold card. From being delighted to sadness...

It was already late and impossible to use my card and I lost the opportunity to gain points. I either paind cash or used my AIG card (which I plan to discontinue). Ok ok ok I was resigned to my fate and understood the problem. THEIR COURRIER.

My gollywow. Citibank is allowing its courrier to damage its reputation. Up until now, they say that my card is with their courrier. I already spoke to a customer care and filed an online complaint. All I ever have is "Sir, we are sorry that you are frustrated and disappointed. Rest assured that it is being properly handled by the group in charge" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I ALREADY RECEIVED THIS REMARK A MILLION TIMES WITH CITIBANK! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING WITH YOUR COURRIER VENDOR???? ARE ALLOWING THEM TO SCREW UP YOUR SERVICE?!!! DONT YOU HAVE ANY SLA (service level agreement) WITH THIS COMPANY???? COMMON, ANY SIMPLETON WOULD KNOW THAT THEY ARE JUST FOOLING A FORTUNE 500 COMPANY!!!

To make matter worst, yesterday I received a letter from citibank yesterday (January 9, 2007)DATED NOVEMBER 30, 2006, congratulating me for the upgrade!!! Are you insulting me? How far will you let this happen??? I am an ordinary client of yours yes! I can't promise that I will rack up my bills and keep your company in good shape! But still I strive to pay my bills and I do.

As a mentioned in my email to citibank, I can not longer distinguish if I am just being loyal to citibank OR I AM BEING STUPID FOR THIS LOYALTY CRAP. I sent an angry (though no profanity in it) letter to them already last Friday, Jan 5 and I receive a reply last Monday. BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING!!!!!

What else??? I haven't forgotten that I ALREADY HAD THIS UNFAIR TREATMENT FROM CITIBANK LAST YEAR (EARLY PART OF THE YEAR). YEAH, SAME YEAR. AGAIN, IT WAS BECAUSE OF THEIR SPOLIED COURRIER. Nope. Their favorite courrier wasn't able to deliver the card to me. I had to pick it up in their Makati office but I have to show them proof that I was going out of the country???? what??? Ok, because I was about to leave them, I didn't argue and just patiently went to their Makati office and showed them my passport and ticket.

I offered them a solution because they said their courier people can not just leave it to our receptionist or to anyone. They can't (daw) find me as they tried calling my local number. Hey, we have two receiving area here but I only have one phone, I never received any calls from our guard, I tried my best not to leave my area for the last four weeks as I have not scheduled any meetings yet JUST FOR ME TO MAKE SURE THAT I WONT MISS THE CALL.

I told them they can give their courrier my MOBILE NUMBER AND THEY CAN CALL OR CAN EVEN JUST SEND SMS TO ME to make sure that I will be able to GET MY CARD. BUT NO NO NO NO NO NO.... THEY ARE NOT (daw) ALLOWED TO DO SO... WHAT??? WHY??? FOR PHP1??? AND I AM ALREADY GIVING MY CONCENT TO DIVULGE MY MOBILE NUMBER?? SO, WHAT ELSE WILL YOU DO??? NOTHING?? NO CREATIVE SOLUTION GIVEN!!!

i have to stop here. i dont want CITIBANK to ruin my day further. I am still mad.

Just for today

"He commands even the unclean spirits and they OBEY Him" - from MK1:21-28

Nothing is impossible with God. I am amazed at how He works. Right now, even if we can not attend the weekly prayer meeting I thank God for letting me know that He is still with me. By His grace, I am able to read His words. By His grace alone. I need Him to keep me sane and for me to know that He loves me so much.
------------------------

Owning a dog (or pets) is a big responsibility. It is not just cute to have one and when its cuteness dies it does not mean that we should stop giving proper attention to our beloved pet. A dog for me should be treated as part of the family and not just an outsider or a mere animal. It is like below maybe the children, would be the dogs.

I don't know. Maybe I grew up surrounded by dogs and I have many good memories of our dogs upto the last dog that we had. I can remember when "Bondying" didn't come home one day, we were all upset and sad. There was this feeling of loss and we did grieve for him. Then one day, he returned. Dirty,filthy, smelly etc., but his return brought unexplainable joy to our hearts.

When he permanently left us (huhuhuhuhuhuhu), I really got emotional. I missed him until now. He was a funny,thoughtful, protective,loving, sweet, gentle, always smiling dog. I remember when my sister was still young (maybe 4 years old), she would laugh whenever she looks at Bondying.... at first we never paid attention to her laughter but then it became consistent. I mean she laughed at Bondying whenever she saw him. We asked her Mariel why she was laughing and she said it wasbecause Bondying was laughing also at her. hahahahahahahahahahahaha.. Imagine a dog with his tongue sticking out. Mariel all along thought that our dear dog was laughing. hahahahahahaha... Well, he did look like laughing all right.

Whoa... stop this. Now, I don't just miss our dog but I miss my little sister (who is a teenager already) as well................ :( I also miss the mother and sister of Bondying. I have to stop this thread......
-----------------------------------------

My little boy is kicking and kicking. Everytime he does that it assures me that he is just doing fine though I also do not find pleasure that my dear wife is the one in the receiving end. The kicks are getting stronger each day that passes by and it is hurting Josephine. It will be over anytime now. Just a little more days, a few more sleep and Polo will be with us. Yahooooooo... Actually, we will see him this Friday. Josephine and I decided to have a 4D of our little boy. Can't wait to see him.:)

Bible reading

"If someone who has worldly means sees a brother in need and refuses him compassion how can the love of God remain in Him?" from 1st rdg 1Jn3:11-21

Yehey, I've started reading the bible again. Discipline of the Word. It makes sense. How will I be able to hear God's instruction if I don't find time to read the bible. Well, everything now is in the internet. No more excuses unlike before. I hope God would instill in me the need to hear Him out every morning before I do anything. That I may listen and follow Him like how the first disciples did when they found Jesus. Dropped everything and simply followed Jesus.

I know that it isn't simply reading the bible just like a newspaper or any reading materials. I must have in my heart the desire to know His word for me. Must be committed to know Him through this. Otherwisem, I know that whatever I read will just pass through and forgotten..

I wish whatever I read will make me relfect the wholeday not to the point that I will just stare blankly but everything will come out on how I deal with other people, how I work, how I react etc.,

Thank you Lord and I ask for you patience and mercy so I will be able to do this everyday.

Amen

Sleep deprived (practicing..: ) )

I had trouble sleeping last night. My back ache a little bit but it was enough to keep me awake. Actually, after reading stories to Polo, I was able to doze off but then I woke up after maybe 30 minutes after that, I can't sleep anymore. I got conscious with my back and all the things I was hearing got me irritated.

I tried several techniques to sleep and at the end it was a good book that lead me to wonderland. During my restlessness, I thought of my own father. How we are now. Who we were then. His influences to me. The things he did for our family during abundance and lean season. How he take cares of us, especially my mother. Nope, I don't think I am that close to Dad. But in fairness, I never felt that he favor anyone among his children. Even Mariel. His treatment to us all was the same. Maybe I will try to write about Dad another time. I just want to share my realization last night.

First, I forgive you, Dad. I dont hold you responsible for any failures or distress that came to my life along the way. Whether you were directly or indirectly involved. I set you free. I don't blame you. Looking at us four, we turned up just fine. We weren't scarred or have wounds that can't be healed. I know that you did your best for us and I do appreciate everything especially now. There were misunderstandings before but I guess it was really part of any relationships. Yeah, I admit that your words pierced my heart before and it did affect my whole well being. Even that, I have already forgiven you for those were the moments that humbled me to the ground. My wings were clipped and I needed to stay put. Not to be defeated but to re-focus my life. Do I regret it now? No. I learned so much. Believe it or not but it lead me to God and God took over my life since then. I've come to acknowledge His presence and the fruit of it all was love. See. If at the end of everything just made one to be close to God then it isn't bad after all. God healed everything and He made me realized so many valuable things. When Dad and I had the "major talk" of our lives, I gave up everything and just followed his counsel. I returned to my family since and life eventually opened a new beginning.

Second, I will tell story about you to my own son. I guess, I never heard my dad sharing to us his life with our grandfather. For me, I will make sure that my children will get to know his grandparents and admire them. I will teach my children to give proper respect to their grandparents.

Finally, I ended everything with a prayer for our parents.

When Jesus was on earth, His words were all about His Father. May I be able to emulate Jesus throughout my life.

My first in 2007

"Leave all the baggages behind, change your clothes into new ones. Wear your new booths. Then with high spirits move on. This will be a great year! A year of fulfillment and abundance."

I used to fear the unknown. There was a time when I could feel panic running through my veins and slowly the worst of things that could happen to me starts to creep in my mind. Fear sets in and I get lost in a world of confusion.

This changed a long long long time ago. It was not because of any mortal soul here on earth why I can now embrace uncertainties. No. No. Not my own effort. Maybe the situation was a hotline to God. Basta. One thing lead to another. Miracles overlapped whatever I had then. Yeah, it was a difficult and painful transition. I made it. God made it happen.

I noticed the big difference when Josephibe and I got married. People then asked me if I getting married scares me. Giving up so many things and threading into the unknown with another being forever. Nope. It didn't. I was excited to walk Josephine down the aisle. If giving up means getting this much then it isn't difficult surrendering after all. This year, another something new is about to happen. I will enter the world of Fatherhood. I'm excited and I accept it with my whole heart.

My plan this year? Jesus, what's your plan for me? :) I offer to God this year and so my plans are with my Boss. I just ask God the grace for me to able to recognize Him and be obedient. Of course, I have longings and wishes and I already shared it with Him and eventually surrendered them all to Him. I am just after being close to God this year. I want to know Him more, to feel Him more, to walk with Him and listen to Him each day.

Juan Paolo Andrei M. Agustin

Sleek. A name of a gentle and yet strong person. That's my impression. Someone who will be great and will be given big responsibilities. All because he can handle it at ease. I see someone who will think of God first before anything else. He will let God reign in his pure heart and mind and will let others see God in Him. Whatever he decides to pursue, he will achieve it excellently.

Behind his achievement, he will offer his sweetest smile to anyone and everyone. Discriminating no one. His influence will be greater than what i have achieved or anyone that I know of. Yet, at the end of the day, he will not be ashamed to bow and humble himself towards God.

Polo. I know you will achieve a lot. I believe in you. I do promise you that I will not let my life, my frustration, my dreams, my disappointment be your life. It will be your life. I will just guide you and push you not to accept a mediocre life. But who knows you may realize this by yourself.

Basta. I will be a father to you. No matter what.

Book worms

I bought several books the other night. Good ones. Two books for Jaz as our Christmas gifts. I bought one for Mommy Josephine. Another one for my self and then there a "booklet" that Josephine has requested.

I bought a book, Spiritual Direction by Fr. Hneri Nouwen (though his students were the one who have made into a book) and currently reading John Olsteen's Devotional Book, Your life now. The two are compliment each other to support what I wish to be next year. 2007 is Jesus' year for me. I hope to discipline myself in acknowledging God's guidance in my life. I mean everything I do, I hope would be in accordance to God's will and desire for me and my family. My North star. Easy? I'm sure it will not be. But I'm excited. I hope that my personal relationship with God will notch up from where I am now.

Yup. That's right. All my plans, I pray will be aligned to what God wants me to do especially now that I am going to be a father. Who else could mentor me to be one but Him alone. I do want to offer Him 2007.

When I woke up

My dear child,

I felt you moving inside your mommy's womb. I see. That's why she can't help but feel the sharp pains caused by your sudden movement. Your a big boy now! It was just a few sleeps ago when we first felt you. At that time it was "cute". Now, it is no joke to your mommy anymore. Your bond with your mother has started the moment you were conceived and it is developing into a very special one. Sometimes, I see her touching her tummy even though she is asleep. I know it is her way to calm you or affirming you that everything is just ok. Also, maybe she want's you to sleep because you move a lot. I also see her talking to you.

That, my son is your mother's love for you. She will always have that special connection with you that not even I will be able to understand. Her life, she is giving to you freely already while I only can but witness this love between and a mother and her son develop. Sometimes in the silence of night I fear the whole thing. I feel helpless in what you and your mom are going through. God taught me to be patient and this time He has given me a big test and that I have to wait for a whole nine months. I admit that I become restless whenever worries hit me. It is hard. I can only offer my hands and emotional support to your mom but other than that it would be between the two of you. What makes me go back to my senses? Mama Mary and Jesus.
I think of them and comfort comes. My helplessness lead me directly to Jesus' love. It is like a hotline to Him. He never fails to answer it. Fears, worries and helplessness are replaced by peace, assurance, hope and ultimately love. A love that God can only give.

Thank you my dear child. If only I can express into words what I am feeling right now. I am a man who became a husband and now a father. Do I know how to be one? No. not yet. Time will teach. While we your mom and I sometimes discuss what you will be when you grow up (I'm a parent na nga.. :) ), a lawyer, an engineer, a doctor, a la sallian, a basketball player..etc etc., we know that it couldn't be ours to plan. We will guide and support you as much as we could even if entails big sacrifices we will not mind. I only want you to grow up to be a Man of God someday. My role to you as I have imagined last night is to be a bridge between you and God. That one day you will be able to meet Him and develop a personal and special relationship with. When that comes, we will be assured that we've done our part and that we will know hat you will be alrught. May my words and actions let you see Him in me. He is afterall your real Father.

I love you my dear child. A love that I haven't felt before. It is something different. I will allow myself to jump into this river of love.... I know this is how much God loves me. That's through you. Thank you.

little bit of sharing

Christmas is a season not only of giving gift but of eating as well! We eat and eat and eat. I remember that I gained more than five pounds last Christmas and I wasn't able to lose it anymore. Here I go again. There is literally food everywhere. Not yet over. Eating has just begun.

Praise God. We only need to control our Christmas expenses and then we are assured of being able to afford our baby's entry to the world. Thank You, Lord for all the blessings! Thank God for giving us this work. We are ready.

My thought today

We are not done yet with gift wrapping and gift giving or even buying gifts. Christmas rush, cramming! That's what we are now. Cristmas crammers! I can say that we are just half finished and because we do not have money yet for the nth part of our shopping, we are more focused on wrapping and giving gifts.

By the way, I finally have my first Starbucks' 2007 planner. Now, what am I going to use it for. For meetings, microsoft calendar is already available. For journals, I have this blog. For birthday and special occassions reminders, I have my phone to remind me and it comes with a sound.

I guess, I will go back in time when I still love using a planner. It was a must for me to have one otherwise I can't start a year. It helped so much when I was in college as I study and became very active in extracurricular activities. But now???

I will use it. :)

I am happy that I was able to settle my financial obligations. I mean, I am managing our finances better than how I did it before. I know that this skill will come in handy starting next year especially now that we are having a baby. There are still things we hope to improve next year.

Whew, what a tiring year this has been. Isn't it? I dont know about you? But for me it was. Or maybe it comes with age. Hey, I am not that old yet but I can feel fatigue creeping everyday. It is like in the afternoon all my energy has been sucked. Lesson. I have to be carefull on how I spend my energy. Useful or useless activities? At the same time, I know that I have to aim to stay fit next year. When before I can sleep late (even very late) for several days but now?? I can't. One sleepless night is equivalent to several days of restlessness. How sad?

This is one of the important lessons that I should be more conscious about next year.

I still have the interview. I thought it was dead. It is still alive and promising.

Christmas is coming in 7 days

Another year is about to end. I do am looking forward to a "NEW" year. Very new indeed for me and my wife because it will be the year when we become parents. Though, before I dismiss the remaining days of December, I'd rather make each day a good one. Hey, next week is Christmas and that is something that I shouldn't miss at all. So, 2007 please wait for awhile. I will not plan for 2007 yet. Maybe I will on December 30.

What are my Chirstmas' wishes?

1. I really pray that Josephine and our child will be healthy and safe until he comes out.
2. Digital Camera. The serious type. :)
3. 200 Gigabytes portable hard disk.
4. My pair of Christmas' levi's pants
5. New clothes (but not that many)
6. Filing cabinet (home) for all our important personal documents.
7. My Starbuck's 2007 planner (which I might claim this week).
8. Our wedding album
9. Starbuck's thermos

I guess that's about it. The first is not just a wish but more of a prayer. More than anything else I really really pray for my family to be ok. The others well, not all that important just some materialistic list which may or may not come but will not affect me so much. Some though are important like our wedding album.

Greenhills away
Last Saturday, I didn't fight it anymore but I just went along with my wife and my mother in law and braved the traffic going to Greenhills plus the additional headache of looking for a parking space. We did fine. We were able to buy a lot of stuff. We only stopped when I only had Php500 left in my wallet. Shopping isn't over yet. We will once again go to Greenhills this Saturday.

Parties everywhere

It started last week with our Dept's party. There will be a few more this week but once again we decided not to go to our company's christmas party. I think this would be the 3rd time that we won't be going. All in all we just managed to attend to two annual parties of our company.

We had a simple get together/dinner with friends last Sunday. We went to our newly wed friend's unit in Manansala. Everyone brought food. Unfortunately, Josephine and I arrived late as we had to wrap gifts in the morning, cooked food and attended the Sunday's mass. When we arrived at their place, we had a quick dinner because everybody went to the nearby starbuck's to watch George Gabriel perform.

This saturday we will have another get together with friends and this time it will be held at the De Guzman's residence.

Busy week and a busy Christmas schedule.

Your love for me

My greatest fear is to lose You
Not because You willl leave me but
Because I might fail to recognize You
That I would learn to ignore You

Sometimes I feel how will it end
That one day, I just fail to think of You
Days into weeks and then I just let myself
Be lost in this crowded world

But Your undying love, Jesus promises forever
No distance is far enough
No time is long enough
No winter is cold enough

Oh Jesus, Your love remains unchanging
Reaching out to my heart whenever I fail to see Your Face
Holding me in Your arms, embracing me

Lord, let me praise You everyday
Let me see your Glory above all else
I want to serve You and remain true to You
I want to be with You, Lord.
Everday...........

Allowed to be me

What would it be like to praise You all day
To let my heart be close to you
To raise my hands to glorify You
Sing to You songs of praise
Oh, I will let myself be lost in Your presence

In all that I do, I will keep You my constant companion

I surrender all and give it to You everything with open arms

There is nothing in this world that is more important to me

But just to be with You

Tomorrow will be full of hope

There will always be light as I wake up everymorning

I know I believe everything will be alright

You are with me and I will not be afraid

You are a friend to me Jesus

You offered your friendship first

You accepted me even if I have not replied right away

Lord, how good You are

So, I wish to praise you all day

Share it to those who is longing for You

Or even in my quiet time, I will long for You

I love You Jesus

I Praise God

I surrender to God, my Father
All uncertainties, my plans, my life
I am glad I have found you

You are the light in a starless night
A cool wind on a summer day
I am happy that you are around

I am a child and forever I will seek you
Your wisdom and guidance let me see
I trust my life to you

Father, let me fly to the world
Let me see your glory far and beyond
I only wish to glorify and praise you all my days

Where ever I am I will honor you
For you deserve to be lifted high
Nonone else Father but You

Just a short note

Two weeks from now Josephine and I will be our celebrating our two years of marriage! Clap, clap, clap, clap.. thank you thank you. Cheers to all who are part of our lives. Our families and friends and most especially to God!

One thing about our marriage. It is fun and full of learning. First year was getting to know each other and having to sleep and wake beside a wonderful person. No problemo. It is the best thing in this world. I end my day with my wife and opening my eyes to a new day seeing her first before anyone else. Perfect. Second year allowed us to learn more about our families. Josephine helped me a lot to be in constant communication with my family including my tita's and tito's. I saw my own family in a different light while I was able to discover more about my in-laws. Then our third obviously will be about starting our own family. Because by next year, we will have a little Marvin or a little Josephine (next week we will know : ) ). I am looking forward for another year of being with my own family. Praise God.

To go or not to go

To accept or not to accept

To risk or not to risk

Questions that I should answer in the days to come. Am I afraid. A bit. With these big questions and life altering decisions, I know to whom to turn to. Not now, not ever will I do it by myself. Lord, I surrender these our fate to you alone. I lift this up to you with openess and acceptance. Your will be done. Thank you.

One Fine Tuesday in October

October 24, 2006

Josephine made sure that I spend this day with her as she declared it with authority that I am not available to play badminton. She said that I was hers. No one opposed of course. As for me, I found it sweet and I was happy to spend it with her.

at 9:30am. Check Up

We went to Primecare in SM Bicutan so she could have her Fasting, Blood Sugar (FBS) check up. The clinic almost didn't accept her anymore the other attending nurse accommodated her. Good! After two (2) minutes it was over! The result was given the next day.

at 10.00am. Breakfast and Tour

The mall except the clinic was still close. So, we waited for the stores to open and decided to have our breakfast at Pancake House. I had classic pancakes and brewed coffee and Josephine ordered for blueberry pancakes and a cup of decaf (her last one until she gives birth). After that, we just strolled around SM department store and our feet lead us to the baby section. :) The first time we canvassed for our baby's goods like strollers, cribs, car seats etc., hmmmmmm.. it got me excited. I loved the feeling. We bought children's books. The first baby book of our baby which could end maybe in the trash can. :) I swear, I will not buy shortened stories anymore. We will buy a new set even if it will turn more expensive.

at 11:00am. Shower Time

We had a scheduled lunch with our friends, Tina and Arland. Tina is leaving and we just decided to have a simple get together before she leaves and spend 2 1/2 months in UK. Anyway, we went home first from SM Bicutan because we have not taken a shower yet. hahahahahahaha.

at 1:00pm. Lunch

D'marks Pizza.That's where we had our lunch with Tina, Arland and Tes. Nothing especial with the pizza. Good thing my appetite was there yet so I didn't mind what we ordered.

at 2:00pm. Malling

We bought cinema tickets, The Departed. We had to wait for 3 more hours to watch the movie. Enough time to mall around. First stop. Music One. Bought our first Christmas CD. Second stop. Nike Store for women. Left the store empty handed. Third Stop. Powerbooks. We looked into baby names and its meaning and then just read until we had to go to the cinema.

at 5:00pm The Departed

Good movie. Entertaining, violent but light, all stars cast, a lot of actions and suspense.

at 8.00pm. The Departure. hahahahaha

We listened to our Christmas CD in the car and went home safely. We had our dinner as soon as we arrived and then slept.

Whew! Maybe the greatest day this week. That would be our pre-get away activity. Two days more and then off we go for our much deserved rest and time together. alone.

Just something I realized along the way

1. Approach everything with love and understanding
sometimes Jospehine and I would argue over something. petty or sometimes big ones. it donesn't matter. we've somehow managed to go beyond the arguement. there are times that one's ego will sneak out and show its face. that's where self understanding should be used. if the arguement countinues out of ego then it will not end. i stepped on the break. getting angry at each other is not worth it. sometimes though, we continue to argue but let it be. as much as possible it shouldn't be taken personally. "if no one gives in then maybe no one should". i mean, we are still two different people and we allow each other to think differently. we shouldn't change each other. Yes, we would share the same values, beliefs, perspectives etc but not all the time. "we are still two unique individuals who entered into a commitment into a lifelong getting to know other and no matter what we discover about each other, our commitment stays".

2. Affirm your love to one another
it is important to know it and believe it by heart even if it isn't verbally communicated or expressed. but it still feels good to hear "i love you" from one another. isn't it? Especially in moments of great struggle or plainly being low on juice emotionally when you just sigh the whole day, not in the mood to talk, so many things to think and do and then your spouse will just tap your shoulder, or receive a warm embrace and whisper in your ears, "i love you". wow! how it helps to put things in proper perspective knowing that in this sometimes cruel world someone beside you love you truly.

3. Learn to celebrate each other's victories. small or big.
what are victories? anything that your spouse has given his/her time and effort with. it could be something that could be finished in a minute or big ones that require plenty of time. it could also be for you or for somebody else (work, friends, her/himself, community etc). Support, remind and then celebrate later on. the important thing is that you show you are happy with your spouse's accomplishment.

4. Surround yourself with good people.
it depends of course how you define your "good people". my good people might not be the good people the others have. it depends a lot on how the two of you define it. the point is, there should be enough people around you to support and your relationship and the same time be of service to them as well. have friends and nourish this relationship. if there are times when the two of you feel like the world is against you then here are people who will be willing to share the weight of the world.

5. Get away and have spend time alone, together.
even if you have a house of your own. it is a good idea to get of the routine and go somewhere else and plan out some surprises a long the way. inhale new air, bathe in a different water, walk along in the sand together hand in hand, wake up to see the sunrise and spend quiet time together as you watch the sun set. i think it is really important to create this "common experience"that both of you made together. it something to look back for. create, "create create good memories and fill up your life album".

Last pages of a chapter

The Nearness of You

It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me,
oh no It's just the nearness of you
It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation,

oh no It's just the nearness of you
When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true
I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night the nearness of you


Going through this wonderful experience with Josephine is really something to remember for years and years to come. I look at her with amazement. Seeing her being transformed by our baby in her womb makes me feel proud of what we've accomplished so far. She is going to be a mother and I know that she will be very good at it. I can see her eyes glowing whenever she looks at the mirror and sees her womb expanding. I can see how she is starting to develop that unique closeness with our baby that a woman and her child could only comprehend. I feel so happy witnessing this. Less than four months to go and soon We will be able to cradle our baby in our arms.

A simple family with hopes and ambition. We will be turning two (2) this December. I love her when we met and still that love is growing everyday. Yeah, maybe we are still too young in our marriage life to say with finality that this love will lead us beyond the end of time. I don't want to sound too corny but I believe in my heart that we will be together until we go old and until we see each other again in heaven. There is still a big room to discover about each other. While we've known each other for years and we've basically understood our dynamics, I'm sure the changes in our lives give us more mysteries to solve, understand and accept. Who will Josephine be when she becomes a mother? I have no idea? How will she handle a husband and a child? No idea. The answer will come very soon. I have no fears because Josephine is a good person with a good heart. All I know is that God is starting to enlarge my heart for Him to be able to give more love to share to my wife and child.

Passing of days does not mean an end but actually it signifies a start of another day. Today and few months from now, we are about to close another chapter of our married life and what a way to start a new one. We welcome our baby in our lives with open arms and we ask God, our Father to guideto be Christian parents that we ought to be.

A Different Comfort

At 4am I opened my eyes and read a message in my phone. Then it struck me that our financial situation is nearing an alarming stage. Who wouldn't worry? Knowing that several months from now, Josephine will give birth and then when our baby arrives I'm sure we would need to have enough cash for our child's daily needs.

I started to shiver and palpite. Right there and then, I checked my thought. I am starting to have an anxiety attack. At 4am!!! No, way. How to battle anxiety? By being and feeling grateful. Easy to say, hard to do but it worked. I started praising God though at first I have to accept the situation.

Ok. We have bills to pay that are not related (?) to us. No matter how I react or how I feel about,it won't matter. Even if I shout to the world, start to hate all the creatures of the world or throw away things at the end, we still have to face what's confronting us. Manage it or else it will control us. Hey, never in my life that God abandoned me nor did he ever show any restraint in providing what I need at any given moment. From the moment when I called His name until now and regardless if I'm faithful or not He remains to be a Father to me.
Anyway, here are the things I praised God for before I was able to go back to sleep again.

Praise God.
1. We are all healthy and there is no deep rooted anger among us.

2. Our angel waiting to come out. Five more months, kiddo! We will see each other then.

3. We both have stable jobs and the bonus season is coming.

4. We have so many friends in and out the community who love us truly. We know that we can approach these people easily without needing to put any defensive shield or anything.

5. My In-Laws are indirectly teaching me how to be a parent. They have shortcomings but who in this world is perfect anyway. I have learned to make chit chat while eating which I wasn't able to truly experience while growing up.

6. Jesus healed my woundedness. No more bitterness against my parents or anyone. I mentioned to Josephine before that God already filled my heart with love and my parents have done their part to raise me as best as they could. I released them from any anger that might have been with me for so many years. I heard His voice telling me exactly that and afterwards I felt free.

7. We have a car and even if we are struggling financially, we are still able to maintain it. It takes to places and provide some comfort. I love driving as long as I am with my wife.

8. We still manage to go to places by ourselves or be able to be eat where our taste buds are leading us. If we have extra, we bring along our family and it feels so good to go out as one big family.

9. God is still giving us opportunities to serve Him through helping other people even though at times we thought there is nothing more to give,God through His grace shows us small and big miracles and to be a witness is really a blessing.

10. Above all, Josephine and I love each other. Whenever I look at her while she is sleeping, I remember where we've been through, how our friendship blossom over the years, I smile at all the memories we've created. We are still learning from and about each other and I'm sure it will never end. I love her and it is truly a blessing to know that she loves me as well.

There are a thousand more blessing but I only needed these ten praises to calm me and overwhelm my anxiety. Love after all cures all things. I slept and after half an hour I woke up with a smile in my heart.

My Dreams

Look out beyond the limits of your mind
It is not just as far as your eyes can see
Wider much wider than that

Behind the mountains or your defined horizons
Be open to the world of possibility
There are opportunities out there
Not yet in a grasping distance. But it is there

Believe and persist
Dont let small triumphs or big set backs stop you
You may pause for awhile
But hang on to your dreams

Focus and discipline yourself
A time for everything. Be aware where you spend your time
Learn to move on when it is time to move
Don't satisfy your appetite and give up what you ought to have

It may come now or even at a later age
It doesn't matter just pursue it with the same intensity
Day in day out
There is no one on earth who can dictate this to you
But yourself alone

Surround yourself with people that exudes positivism and yet remains humble
Winners and yet know how to accept defeats
Confident but do not step on other people
Those who know how to share their riches, talents, kindness to others

One day. Be like them
Who knows there might be others who will follow you also along the way